2014 - A Year In Review

Can I say that I am relieved to be seeing the end of 2014?  Well I am.  I can tell you, I'd love to kiss 2014 good bye and to tell it go to suck rope, (to quote a friend). 

 

This past week when I was thinking of 2015, I was reminded of Ephesians 3:20-21a - and I am claiming it for 2015.

 

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory.

So, the year in review:

January

January was a month full of hope and of new beginning.  We had just arrived home from Scotland/England in October and had turned around and purchased tickets to go see Melissa and Jon in July 2014.  We were excited and eagerly anticipating what the year would bring.  It was also the first month of a Year Full Of Dates, we were elated to have guaranteed time together.

 

January also started with a goodbye.  Jordan Max our German Student was due to leave.  We said a tearful good bye at the airport.  He will be forever a part of our family and he has been dearly missed.

February

 



February marks Melissa's 22nd birthday--a joyful occasion, we sent a gift in the mail, anticipating our visit in July.  Then, Kent lost his position....February 7th.  It is the 2nd time since we've been here that a company downsized and pushed out an employee...or two.  So, Kent joined the ranks of the unemployed again.  I have to be honest there was a part of both of us who thought, why on earth are we here.  It has been a reoccurring theme through this year.  Why, why, why are we here.  February started a long hard haul for us.

 

 

March

 



By March, this was my attitude:

 

 

It's never been in my DNA to be the breadwinner...then it was back to this....

 

 

 

So pulling my socks up, I marched onward through March.  March marked Max's 20th birthday.  I am not sure how he got so old...when Kent and I didn't.  I was continuing to teach HistoryMakers, working full time and also parenting our other student, Ricardo from Mexico.  It made for a full life--but there was all the time the heartache for Kent that he was not finding work.

 

April

 

April brought some tough decisions, I was asked to "move up" in the organization and take on a role in the Executive Offices.  By year end, I was asked another 3 times.  Each time, I felt that it would be too much and I couldn't see a time when I would willing leave my job in Research.  I have often said that I go to work for 4 reasons, Terri, Tracy, Dawn P and I get paid.  (I'm sure there are other reasons, but that is what I say from day-to-day.  These lovely ladies keep me grounded and smiling.)  By the end of the year as well, I had been given 2 pay increases.  There is a job hiring and salary freeze on right now, has been since 2011--I shouldn't have been given the wage increase...but God is good.

 

It was incredibly tough to come home elated and say to Kent look!  Look at what I was offered or what I was given, when he was struggling with his unemployment. 

 

May

 

In May, we went to HistoryMakers in Chilliwack, we left renewed and refreshed.  Even though we had a serious lack of sleep.  We also got to go to Vancouver to see Kent's cousin Scott and his husband Pat.  Same weekend we went to see Sarah and Paul Aragones wed.  It was by far my most favourite wedding day to date.  (Beside Melissa and Jonathan's).   It was fun, relaxed, inspiring and so family oriented.  We really missed this little lady.  I got to spend the day with Niki Liable.  Another very precious woman I have dearly missed.  Then at the end of the month, our precious Jamie was married to Josh Lloyd-Smith.  We were so thrilled to go home, to watch this precious wedding and to attend a church we missed so much.  Just the way the cookie crumbles, we were at our church for the Grad Service.  Brilliant Month after all.

 

May was an incredibly long month at work.  We run a month of educational meetings.  Some of my days are 16 hours long.

 

On top of all that--I started planning a HistoryMaker (Humanitarian) trip in August to the LA Dream Center. I was beginning to see the start of 6 day/week work weeks.

 

Our house continued to be a haven for people to land in.  We've had a number of visitors over the past months -- this is one of my favourite photos--Ricardo and Lucas having a nap:

 

 



June

 

Beginning of June, I was definitely into 6 day/week work weeks with the planning of the trip and catch up from the long work month that was May.  I wouldn't find myself "caught up" at work until the beginning of July.

 

We also said another tearful goodbye to Ricardo.  It was tough to see him leave, he had been a great addition to our family.  We highly anticipate seeing him and Jordan in the future.

 

June was also FIFA World Cup time.  We love a good soccer game and so we were planning our lives around soccer games.  My work on the HM trip would've gone faster had I not been planted in front of a TV every moment I could spare.

 

June also brought us something terrifying.  I woke in June after running, checked my blog.  It was the same pain I had explained a couple years previously.  It was just previous to my next check up at the BC Cancer Agency.  By the time my appointment arrived, the pain was constant and I was having trouble concentrating on anything else. 

I asked for an ultrasound, the Oncologist granted it stating--he was only giving it to me because he wanted me to know there was nothing wrong, it would make me feel better.  Well, that's not what happened.  The ultrasound came back stating I had an 2.8 cm lymph node in my left groin.  Anything over 1 cm is a concern.  They usually hang out in the .8 cm range.

 

I was now to be sent for an emergent CT Scan.  That emergent CT took 10 days to get.  Meanwhile, we were off to Saskatoon while we waiting for a phone call for an appointment.

 

June 23 will probably go down as my favourite day this year.  It was the day we decided to hop a ferry (for the 4th time in 1 month), to go and be reintroduced to my Cousin Sheila.  It was a tough time as her Mom, my Aunt had just passed away.  We spent time with her partner Jim and with our Grandma and Aunt Karen.  I am forever grateful for my beautiful and favourite cousin.  I can't way  to have some time to spend with her.  It's on my highest priority list for the 2015.  Yes, I have a list.

 

End of June, we boarded our highly anticipated flight to Saskatchewan.  We couldn't believe that we were going to see Melissa and Jon, it had been FAR too long since we had seen them.

 

We had planned our trip back in October 2013, we actually had to compare Google calendars to make sure that Melissa and Jon weren't in classes and that we were able to actually see them.  It was also a gift for Kent's 49th birthday:

 

I'm not sure I could live life with anyone else.  He is my rock and my best beloved.

 

I can tell you that we loved seeing the life that Melissa and Jon have begun to build in Saskatoon.  We also loved Saskatoon (in Summer....)  We have such and easy time with them, no pretenses, we can absolutely be ourselves and we have so many of the same interests and loves.  The week went by way too fast.  We ended it by paddle boarding on the river.  We didn't realize it is against a City Bylaw to swim in the river....

 

 

One thing we really wanted was some good weather, and boy did we find some.  A tornado touched down in Saskatoon while we were at the beach.  Then the day we left we found this:

 

 

 

We returned home to finally get the call for the CT.  A week later, we were called into the surgeons office.  I walked from my office to the surgeon's office, thinking it would have been a good day to just book off the rest of the day.  We went through the CT together slice by precious slice. We found nothing, well almost nothing.  What we found was a colossal typo on the ultrasound report.  In the smallest writing in the corner of the ultrasound stated:  Unchanged from March 2012.  The surgeon gave a call to the radiologist who read the report, all was set straight.  I still have the pain-intermittently but we feel now it's nerve damage from the chemotherapy.

 

July also started my 7 day work weeks.  I was fund raising with the LA Dream Center crew on Saturdays and Sundays...teaching and training on Sunday mornings.  Prep for the trip on Saturday nights.  It felt like a long haul from this precious time off in Saskatoon to the next break.

 

July also was the month that Max moved out.  Onto a more independent life, he moved into an apartment with his girlfriend Bri.  I was not ready for this empty nest thing...

 

August

 

August was the final push for LA, I had some last minute things to plan, it was the end of the time that we'd be working under Rob and Chelsea Penny -- when I was offered the job at the church.  Turned them down flat.  The men in the youth need a strong male leader, not me.  I did bridge the gap between when Rob left and when James was going to eventually start.

 

LA was amazing and I would go back in a heart beat.

 

We also saw changes in our house again.  Mark moved out and took a job in Ft. St. John as a biologist. And we saw a huge influx into the house.  We had Bode, Angel and Rodrigo move in for the school year.  As there was a strike, some of the people who had signed up for students backed out, so we actually had a couple more students, Eduardo and Netto moved in until homes could be found for them.

 

Our house was crazy.  Absolutely crazy!

 

Kent was finding it tough to find work, do a course and keep out 5 boys busy enough to stay our of the fridge for more than 15 minutes. (The fridge was literally opening and closing constantly.)

 

September

 

September was my birth month, we had a party at French Beach with our boys--it was a great day.  September was also the month I checked out of Facebook, I was absolutely sick of seeing Teacher Strike Posts.  Seeing friends fighting over issues, I decided it was Pinterest time.  :)

 

Melissa, Jon and I had been planning a trip to the UK--from the time we came home in October 2013.  We decided it was time to include Kent.  The idea was that it would be for his 50th birthday.  So, we had a Skype date and I used pretty much the rest of my savings to pay for flights to the UK.  So, 2015 needs to be good to us, Kent needs a job so he can pay for his birthday gift.  As well, we will be celebrating Melissa's BSc and Jon's MBA.  It's hard to be the mother of such an incredibly smart bunch.

 

In September Kent and I celebrated 2 years cancer free.  We went to a check up at BCCA and then checked out of work for the balance of the afternoon and went to the waterfront, enjoyed each other's company and plan a future together.

 

I think Kent and I were both relieved with the extra students we had went to their new homes.  This is MY second job and although the 3 students was going to be a lot of work, 5 was just dumb.

 

September Rob (Youth Pastor at Colwood Pentecostal Church) was gone.  So, I took up the mantle and planned the fall with the youth leaders and Dave, the Assistant Pastor.  So, we took 56 teenagers to camp for the weekend.  I thought 5 students was dumb....this was exhausting.

 

I decided since we would be doing the UK next year, keeping up with these teens was difficult...I decided it was time to get moving. So, Kent and I did a 21 day challenge and have since been following it up with the 5 am running club.  I am the President and Kent is Vice President.  (That's how HE sees it....)  We have been going out for the same amount of time every time, our distance is getting longer and we are feeling stronger and stronger.

 

We saw the Scottish chose to stay in the UK and at weekend I started my Fall baking and do about 100 pounds of grapes into grape juice.  Thankful for the education on juice making by Grandma and Grandpa Fricker.

 

October

 

October brings us to our anniversary and the toll of this year to a head.  Kent and I were starting to get stressed out over money, life, job hunt. 

 

We had visitors for Thanksgiving, the new Lloyd-Smith's came for the weekend.  We were blessed beyond comprehension..energized and renewed by this visit.  Like our trip in June.  We love our kids so much!

 

October saw the death of 2 soldiers on Canadian soil, we were devastated.  We continued to work with the youth of Colwood Church, I won a bike that I named Pat.  He could be a he, she could be a she--so she shall be a Pat. Winning Pat was a huge blessing.  We also got work that Melissa and Jon would be able to come home for Christmas.  We took all our boys (5 of them) to a hockey game, My heart was full and I knew that God was being good to us, same month I got a second increase in pay for the year.  We couldn't shake the fact that God was carrying us this year.  Our finances, just weren't making earthly sense.

 

We threw a party for the youth kids called Hallowed Be in October, Kent and I dressed up as Thing One and Thing Two:

 

 

November

 

November the 5 am running club was up and running, 3-4 mornings a week, and suddenly, I was sleeping throughout the night consistently.  After ditching the last of my medications in May--I was happy that I was sleeping again.  Stress was mounting, but the running was really helping keep the stress at bay.

 

I started my Christmas baking and shopping in November.  Has to be the latest start I have ever had in the shopping department....

 

December

 

By the time December started I was at my lowest point of the year.  I was beginning to doubt.  I know in my head that God is in the life that Kent and I were living but I was also wondering where He was in all this.  One Sunday morning I knelt before God and just asked, over and over again, where are you, where are you in all this??  I still haven't got a full answer but as this year is winding to a close I can see this:  We have been here for a purpose.  We were able to bring to Colwood Church the first EVER youth missions trip, w e helped build up Rob and Chelsea and bridge the gap between Rob's ministry ending here and when James' ministry would start here. 

 

I happily handed over to James and Bethany the ministry of Colwood Youth--I am highly anticipating a far less busy schedule in 2015.

 

I am also ready to move on if that is what God wants.  We need Kent to get a job, he is too young and too poor to retire.  ;)

 

So, now that Christmas is over--we are organizing our house and putting it on the market for the spring.  The only true feeling of assurance I have had this year has been that we are either supposed to be out of our house or Victoria, but either way, I have felt very strongly that our time here is done.

 

When I started this post I thought 2014 can suck rope pal....to quote Tori Hamre, but as I looked back on it....it's been tough, there have been many challenges, it has been heartbreaking, and it's also had it's time of refreshing.

 

So to go with the scripture at the top: 

 

God what we want most is a job for Kent, something that would be his "ideal" position, bring him joy and challenge.  We pray for health for our kids, for favour in their classes.  For a blessing from God, for them to see the Greatness and the Goodness of the Lord and for them to be able to recognize that in every challenge He is there.  I hope that we have been good at modeling that in 2014. And  Lord we need a break-just time for the two of us. 

 

The Horie Family          December 31, 2014          Victoria BC

The Red Envelope

THE RED ENVELOPE

 

There is a red envelope on the counter I pick it up and I feel a rush of excitement.  It’s from my Grandma.  My real-live, not adopted Grandma.  It feels a little like it’s staring at me. 

 

For those of you who have been reading my blog—you’d know that this summer, with the passing of my Aunt, I was reunited with my gorgeous and most favourite cousin—and got time with my Grandma and other family members.

 

I have avoided the family for a multitude of reasons one of the most prevalent reasons is shame and embarrassment and the unknown of what my Mother was saying about me to them.

 

There is a lot of shame for me when I think of my relationship with my Grandma.  I am sure she would not see it this way—at all.

 

The other reason is my mother would cut off relationship with my Grandma for months on end if she knew that Grandma and I were talking—and so as to not hinder their relationship I would just stay away.

 

My cousin said to me this summer the reason it was ok to let go of her mom was, there was nothing left unsaid.

 

I can’t say that about my life, with really any relationship that I have. 

 

So, I am looking at the red envelope and I know that I need to speak before I am filled with regret.

 

Grandma,

 

Thank you for the Christmas card.  I can’t tell you how excited I was to see it arrive.  You are always so much more generous than you need to be—we will probably take the money you sent and go on a date.  Our house continues to be a haven for teenagers and a night off without them would be rejuvenating and so needed.

 

I have carried your card with me in my purse since it arrived, because I have been struggling with emotion that it brings.  In some ways, I feel robbed of a family life that I didn’t have for the past number of years.  I am also feeling so proud of you for saying that our relationship matters.  I am also thinking of seeing Sheila this summer and a statement she made:  It is ok to let mom go because we didn’t leave anything unsaid.

 

I feel like I have things that I need to say to you before it’s too late.

 

I don’t know if I will be able to put into words what a haven your home was for me.  When we moved down from Kitimat and we lived with you—it was like I had been emancipated.

 

In my child’s mind I have no idea what the time frame of us staying with you was, but I do know that I loved that you let me play tennis up against the house, you let me help you weed the garden, your home was full of laughter, there was always food to eat and that I fell in love with “the Monkees” in your basement. (I thought they were a new band)

 

I remember fondly walking around Bowen Island with Grandpa on Father’s Day weekends, having stolen moments of visiting your home for dinner, playing upset the fruit basket, or the rare occasion when Pat would allow you in our home. 

 

You and Grandpa were a bright spot in an otherwise dark life.

 

When we moved out and into our own home at Bridgeview, we went back to our normal routine of dysfunction.

 

There was a moment that has been etched on my mind that I really need to explain to you and apologize to you.

 

Again, I am not sure of the time frame, maybe up to a week or more before Al and Pat left for Hawaii, my life started to unravel.

 

My solace was school, your home and my friend Rhoda Ramsay’s home.  I don’t think I would’ve intentionally done anything to break those ties, but I did.

 

Just before my parents left for Hawaii, I came home from school and Randy caught me and made me go to the family room where he began to sexually assault me.  I had learned over the past 2 years that fighting back just mean that he would beat me—so I had learned to deal with it by going into my mind and pretending I wasn’t really there. 

 

I would envision that I was sinking into the bed or carpeting.  Funny, I used to think that my nose would stick out and I couldn’t quite get all of my body underground…because of my dang big nose!

 

While the assault was happening, the front door opened.  Someone came in and gasped.  Randy turned and told them to get out.  At the time, I had no idea who it was; I was horrified and didn’t want to look up.

 

During the following week at school, several of the boys in my English and Social Studies classes asked if they could have a turn.  I’d turn them down, finally a boy in Grade 10 said, If you’d have sex with your brother, you can have sex with me.

 

 

My life suddenly screeched to a stop.  That day was excruciating to get through.  On my way home I was tormented by the boys.  They grabbed my clothes and pulled my hair.  I made it home, behind closed doors and I fell apart.  The refuge that was school was done.  I didn't want to go back.

 

 It was a couple days later I was staying with you and Grandpa.  It was March 1982.  I enjoyed the peaceful walk home to your house…in a completely different direction than the boys expected me to go—I was feeling free.

 

A few days later the boys stepped up the taunting and found where I was walking home, so I chose to walk to my own home.  Upon getting there I was very angry and decided that it had to be Rhoda who had told people…forgetting that someone had walked in on Randy a week prior.

 

I went to Rhoda’s; I accused her and then threatened her.  She called the Police.  And by the time I got to your home, it was a short time later the Police arrived.  And with a swift, stupid move I had ruined the final 2 places I found peace.

 

Had I just trusted you and told you what was happening—my life would’ve been drastically different.

 

I confessed to the police and you that I had threatened Rhoda and the shame was overwhelming.  I couldn’t tell anyone what was happening at home.  I had almost 2 years prior.  Pat had “disciplined” Randy by slapping him with her slipper; he returned the discipline to me by hitting me repeatedly with a piece of wood he kept under my bed.  The following morning I was covered from my neck to my knees in bruises.

 

I am not telling you all this to make you feel bad, please do not think that.  I wanted you to know that the best and brightest parts of my childhood included you.  And that I have missed you for years.  I don’t know if I could ask your forgiveness to your face for bringing the police down on you, and being an embarrassment, nor do I think that I could tell you these details to your face.  I want to thank you for the hope you have given me, the love you have always shown my little family, for teaching me the value and importance of family. For loving me when I was completely unlovable.

 

March 1982 was my breaking point.  I couldn’t bear up any more and turned to alcohol, drugs and running away to get away from life.  It was a few weeks later that Al walked in on Randy assaulting me in my bedroom and kicked him out of the house.  The following morning Pat told Al to chose “her or me” and Al made his choice and sent me away to Victoria the following week, it was Wednesday, April 14, 1982.  So much had happened in a short 44 days.

 

I am thankful everyday for that decision, leaving Surrey was the best thing that ever happened to me in my short 13 years.

 

Looking back over this letter—I know that these insecurities are mine.  I know that if you’d know what the truth was—you and Grandpa would’ve stepped in to help for that matter so would’ve Auntie Marjory.   I am forever grateful for you and I am looking forward to more time with you and nurturing a relationship that is long overdue.

 

Love, Kim

 

Christmas prep....and it starts...

Found this draft from 01 December 2014

With Kent being out of work all year--the idea of Christmas has been daunting.  Knowing that all things will be pared back, in August I started looking at how on earth will I be able to afford Christmas.

It started with Christmas baking.  I started every week buying one or two things that I needed to bake the usual stuffs that I bake.

Today, the oven went on at 10 am and I just turned it off at 8.31 pm.  My feet now "up" .... the days is over...although I still have a number of things left to do ... my candies and cookies are well underway.

So today I accomplished:

• Chocolate Fudge
• White/Dark Chocolate Bark
• Shortbread
• Rosemary, Cranberry Orange Cookies
• Turtles
• Slated Caramel Chocolate Coconut Bonbons
• Lemon thumbprint cookies

Left to do:

• Cranberry, white chocolate, pistachio shortbread
• Kipfel
• Raspberry kisses
• Haystacks
• Lemon tarts

Then, onto savoury.....

A Bi-Polar Week.

I'm not poking fun of people who have this disease, it's just the journey this week has been.

Monday, I had an evaluation at work and came out with a great review, in fact, the Director wants me to be taking some leadership classes as she would like to see me in a managerial role.  I can tell you, I never saw that coming.  I have a few tweaks to do to my evaluation, but I am bang on track with it....and humbled and excited for my future career.

By Wednesday, that elation had crumbled and I was overwhelmed.  The journey of 2014 has been a tough one--and my ability to find the good in situations had run out and I was a miserable mess.

Wednesday night, Kent and I got to youth and I was cornered and questioned about my leadership at youth.  Then someone else came in to encourage me -- we prayed.  It was only after I cried a while and explained that flat out working since July fund raising for the trip to LA in August--this has been a long hard haul for me.

Thursday morning I bottomed out.  I had an emotional day--by the time I got home I was done.

I grabbed my running shoes and headed out.  Cried and run 4k, finding some perspective with my Ipod and worship music.  I was focusing on:

In my mind I can see your face

Love pours down in a shower of Grace.

Life is a gift that you chose to give.

I believe we eternally live

Faith is the evidence of things unseen

People tell me You're just a dream

But they don't know you the way that I do

You're the one I live to pursue.  - DC Talk Mind's Eye.

Song after song was an encouragement.  But the time I got home, I cried it out, laid it all before God and was ready to start focusing on the positive.  I'm sure thankful that God is ok with me yelling at him--maybe the people along my running route aren't.  

My biggest problem this week was that Kent is up for a job in Burnaby for a 6 month contract, which will mean he commutes to and from Victoria.  

I needed some time to reconcile myself with the thought of not having Kent here for the majority of 6 months.  I think I am now there.....

So, I woke Friday with a little more of a positive focus.  Made breakfast, missed my bus--oh well, still would make it to work on time.  When Kent told me he had missed a  job fair...I was back to full on irritated.  I worked it out in my head, again, back to focusing on the positive.

I still can't fully process the last week.  I am done with the struggle of Kent's unemployment, the uncertainty of our future, the idea of our family being separated further, not having the money to really do Christmas well and my least favourite season is upon me...Christmas.

I know that God has great plans for us, He's promised us that.  I just am ready for the promise to be made clear, to be bold, to have some courageousness--I'm ready to take some steps of faith,

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for 

and assurance about what we do not see. 

Hebrews 11:1

Faith for the future

Hebrews 11.  I still think that there is a part of the bible that is being written in heaven and that our faith on earth is being recorded.

When we were going through the process of moving to Victoria, I wished I had kept track of what we went through to get here.  There was miracle after miracle.

We got here and really didn't know why we were here or what we were going to do here.  We would work, we would be involved in our local church--but what would that look like?

We were in one of our first church services when we were sitting behind Rob and Chelsea the youth pastor and his wife and I kept feeling like we were there to help build up leaders.

The past numbers of weeks, seeing 40-60 kids at youth with 20+ leaders, we are basking in the preparation that God has made for Kent, Rob, Chelsea and me the past number of years. 

The past number of weeks, I have been feeling like we are not long for Victoria.  Not that I want to move, I have just felt this urgency to purge, nest and get the house ready to sell, and that God is preparing us for change.  Big change.

Last week, Kent found a number of jobs, 2 in Vancouver, 2 in Richmond and 6 in Seattle.  And, we were ok with this.

On Sunday, we did communion and we were praying together when I was overcome with the desire to encourage Kent in prayer, so long after the communion time ended, we were praying.  And I saw this again:

Kent and I joined with Rob and Chelsea to be the abutment on one side of a bridge.  We have been here to get to know the teens and we are now the pontic that is bridging the gap between Rob and who God is calling here to take over the youth ministry.  Once that person is in place, the transition made, I feel like we are free to go.

Kent and I have gotten excited over the future, we know that God is leading us and calling us.  I was thinking the other night about a condo for the 2 of us, with room for our kids to fit in when they come--but just Kent and Kim time.  I get a thrill of excitement every time I think about it.

So as we process through this--I will write.

I'm weighing in...The Brittany Maynard Post.

PJ Day 2014.  I don't think I've had one yet.  I caught a nasty cold on Friday--decided to use up some of my sick days and stay home today.  For the first time in my working career I have paid sick time.  I can hardly believe it really, and because of my earlier Cancer diagnosis, I bank them like crazy--just in case I need to take a serious amount of time off.  Onto the blog post:

This weekend, Brittany Maynard took her life.  She was a terminally ill Cancer patient who was using her right to die with dignity.  Here is her message: Brittany Maynard

This blog would not be complete without her story being told.  This is not a one sided "Pro-Life" blog, but rather I want to just weigh in -- in what I see in this story.  I will not dismiss Brittany's desire, or the fact that she felt that this was the way for her.  This was HER decision with HER loved ones. 

I just know my loved and I ones would think so much differently.

Here is what brought me into this story a couple weeks ago:  We love you Brittany Maynard

I hope you watch all of the videos, so here's my piece.

I've been working with youth since 1988, when Kent and I moved to Kelowna BC.  I've seen great heartache and pains, along with huge gains and great celebrations.

My heart has hurt for Brittany, because I believe she bought into a lie.  Something that has been percolating in the North American Culture for decades.

Life can be easy, painless, effortless.

What it has done has bred generations of people who would not know what to do if tragedy, destruction, famine or war could bring.  We, as North American's in the past number of generations have not had any real hardship.  We. Are. SOFT.

I remember just a couple months ago, the power went out here for 6 hours.  I laid back in my bed, read a book, was completely comfortable with the lack of noise in the house, lack of 'entertainment', not that I like this, but I have trained myself over the past 3 years to be comfortable with little, and content with quiet.

My students....had a terrible time with a lack of access to the internet, TV, they just didn't know what to do!

We have never had to live 6 months on cabbage soup.

We have never had a time where we have been fearful of bombings.

We rarely have to endure or suffer long with pain, because we have access to a great health care system, easy access to drugs, and in a number of hours we can be numbed.

In all this I see a softer and softer generation of people.

When I think of the days when we heard the word Cancer and we didn't know what was coming, I knew that I was laying down a path for my kids and Kent to follow, they were looking to me to see how was I going to handle all of this.

Kent said as he took my hands, we walk this out together.

I can tell you I suffered.  I hurt.  I didn't sleep.  I couldn't eat.  I had a hard time remembering to eat--and didn't poop.  I gained 14 pounds each round of chemo, that I had a tough time losing by the time the new round started.  I lost muscle mass, strength and endurance.

All along, I thought, I would fight this tooth and nail to the very, very end.  I would not take the easy way out.  To cut short this journey--because I knew that people were watching me and I knew that through the strength at God gives me on a daily basis, we could walk this out.

One day, when my days are done--I know exactly what I would want.  To be surrounded by my family, Jonathan and Max playing the guitar, Melissa and Kent singing my favourite songs--leading me to the time I will see the dawning of heaven and being ushered into the presence of the Lord.

There will be no easy way to die, but I chose to have quantity of time with my loved ones on earth--they will be able to say that I was feisty all the way to the end.

There is real beauty in being broken, there is real beauty in suffering.  There is a refining that I wouldn't give up for anything.

When Life hands you lemons...

Friday night, 6 pm, like clockwork.  I caught a cold.  Literally, 6 pm.

My body seems to know when the weekend is happening, IF I get sick, it's generally been on a Friday and I am totally better by Monday.

I am completely sure that when my alarm goes off Monday morning at 6 am, I will be completely fine.

That's how I roll.

When I was really sick and going through chemo, I had a friend online who was posting about her cold.  It went on for about 3 weeks.  I had a really, Really, REALLY hard time feeling any sympathy for her when I couldn't poop, eat, drink, sleep, had gone bald....

I decided that I would reserve my thoughts until I got my next cold....and so, it took 2 years, but I finally got it.

And I have to say that I am not going to whine-online.  I reserve the right to say, when life gives you lemons, make Neo-Citron, suck it up and keep moving.

On the Kent front, he has had some companies interested in him in the past couple weeks, which is a good sign.  Kent was contacted by a head hunter from Seattle, who has given him 6 leads on jobs.  I have never wanted to live in the US.  I seriously would live ANYWHERE, rather than live in the States, but having said that...I will go wherever God calls, leads and directs....including Seattle.

So, we have talked it out, worked out some details, dreamed a little about what life could look like in the next couple years.

I really can't wait for uninterrupted Kent time, in a small little place, with little yard work, or housework....sigh.  It would be amazing.

Oops I did it again....

And in truth I will do it over and over and over again.

I was thinking about this today, I could order my Dad's Dairy Queen order no problem.  Sometimes, people find something that they like and they stick to it.

I am that way.

Today, I was working on a project for work.  My office, the way that it is laid out, is often a hub of activity.  People stop by to check into the office, stop by the photocopier, come to my candy dish.  Being that it's such a busy office I have taken to wearing ear buds and listening to something usually music or recently a audiobook.

And my heart fails.  My audiobook. 

I am a voracious reader, but I had never listened to an audiobook until just recently.

When I started this project I was listening to a book that was laughable...the way it was narrated, I gave up.  I thought, maybe I'm not an "audiobook" kinda girl.

I have been watching the TV series Outlander.  I have to say that some of the scenes (Adult Scenes) I found disturbing and actually turned it off one night near the end of the episode "Both Sides Now".  I love the show, I love the actors, the characters, the accent....but the final scenes were just getting too much.

So, I decided the book is probably better option, so I started listening to the audiobook.  So for me, Outlander (the book) is incredible.  Outlander the show, is amazing, they have cast Jamie and Claire (Sam and Catriona) so well.  Some of the scenes with Captain Randall--I can't watch.  That's when I realized that the "artistic license" I was watching, the book would leave to your imagination.....and I was right.

*Bonus*  I am starting to think with a Scottish Accent.  How can that be a bad thing??

And today, I was finding my self literally cheering for the characters and then I realized, it's happened again.  I've fallen in love with the characters...and I am coming to the end of my book.

And then the next step is the mourning....it can affect me for days...when the book is over and I am feeling lost and sad.

Then, I re-read the book.

I used to think I was ridiculous and that maybe I was the ONLY person who thinks like this....then I trolled pinterest....and found some people who think like me...
 

Nailed It!

You've all seen her blog.  She's pretty hilarious.  She tries to remake things on Pinterest and well, fails.

Peek here if you're not sure what I mean:

Nailed it!

A couple weeks ago, I reignited my Pinterest passion.  For a couple reasons, to look at places to go to in the UK on a return visit...and to look at how to feed the group in our house on the cheap.

I did get some good ideas.  Then I saw this:

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/139119075965034603/

 

The fact that it's in a very foreign language -- didn't daunt me.  I looked closely at the pictures, used Google Translate to figure out what squash they used...and decided to try to Nail IT!!

 

 

Here is my attempt in photos:

 



Baking Powder Biscuit Base

 

 

Mandolin the veggies, cut finger, this step is mandatory--for my cooking....

 

 

Bleeding took some time to stop...

 

 

Trying to make it look like the picture, random-y

 

 

I like organization, re-arranged--this one appealed to me.

 

 

Finished putting all the veggies in, they didn't want to sit up, lazy veggies...

 

 

Added egg and milk and most importantly spices.  It has to be flavourful!

 

 

Into the oven it went! Barely any spills!

 

 

It took a while to cook...but it turned out beautifully!

 

 

Take that Pinterest!

 

 

Late.

Last night we celebrated 26 years married.

Kent and I have often been at the short end of the cash flow stick, so over the years I have become proficient at stretching what money we do make.

See previous post:  baking/juice making....

One of the things we learned very early on in our marriage is this:  even though money is short, we should still celebrate milestones.

So, last night, I met Kent at Il Terrazzo for dinner and then we went to the Langham Theatre for the production of Pride and Prejudice.  (Both were really, really great.)

I left work right away and went downtown, did a some research at MEC and bought Kent the "other half" of the sleeping bag he had purchased back in Dec 2012.  (I thought it was last Christmas...I was wrong).  It took some digging through a database that MEC had, but we found it!  They gave me a slip of paper with what Kent had purchased and was told, tell them you need the opposite side.

So, I wandered through MEC, found the sleeping bag and wandered out.

As I was walking to MEC with my new found gift, that I thought for sure would illicit squeals of joy from Kent, I walked into SUGAR.  Found some of his favourite candies and made my way to Il Terrazzo.

Kent had texted me to say he would meet me downtown early....that didn't happen.

I got my table at 5, early, ordered some wine and waited....and waited.....and waited....

.....the staff came over twice to ask me, "is the gentleman still coming?"

Oh God, they think I am being stood up....

The restaurant is filling up.....they came by again, "Are you sure the gentleman is still coming?"

They want me out so that they can fill this table with people who are really going to order and spend money!!

I order an appetizer. (Scallops/Ahi tuna cucumber and seaweed salad--yum)

Wait.....Wait.....Wait....

The appetizer arrives--it looks amazing, and I arrange my cutlery to have a bite---Just then, I look up to see Kent enter the restaurant.  He is 25 minutes late for our dinner date.

Why is it that we do this to each other?  He knows that I hate being late, hate it when he is late...and yet, he still does it.  I KNOW that there are things that I do that he can't stand, but why do I continue to do this?

I am sitting here Saturday morning, feeling all reflective, tired from not sleeping, irritated that my date was uncomfortable last night.

Is this something that we will conquer?  I highly doubt it.  This is just one of those misfires that makes me remember that we are truly human, truly broken, truly never going to be enough for each other.  So in that frailty and insecurity we walk this through together...shrugging off the pain and frustration of the night before and look forward to our 27th anniversary.

Oh, and PS - there was no squealing of joy at the sight of the other side of the sleeping bag.  Ya, I was disappointed too--but Kent doesn't get that excited or animated about much.

Simply Cindy. Simply Sister.

I know that I have blogged this before, but there is an updated needed.

Cindy.  I'd like to say she is my oldest friend, but she is the same age as me--so, I will say this: she is my longest friend.

I met Cindy in Grade 4, shortly after my family moved from Bridgeview in Surrey to Newton also in Surrey, BC.  She was a tiny, little, adorable girl.  She was friendly and fun.  At the same time, we met a friend named Teresa.  The three of us were like small, medium and tall girl.  We made a little bit of a "rag tag" friendship, but time would tell that this friendship was orchestrated.

I really believe in "such a time as this", Esther 4:14.  I mean, Esther isn't the only one who was put into the "right place, right time". 

As our friendship grew, Cindy and I found that we could be really honest with each other with the safety of knowing our secrets were safe with each other.  So, we confided in each other--as we found adults just didn't listen or believe our stories, we had each other.

I remember a very significant day when the three of us girls, all being abused at home went to our school counsellor to ask for help.

The other two girls wouldn't talk, so I did.  I explained my own situation when he retorted with a word that we all had to look up in the dictionary, we were after all 10 years old, limited vocabulary.

I went home that day and faced an oddity, my Dad was home.  He was rarely home.  So I went looking through a dictionary to find the word.  I couldn't find it.  As soon as I was to find it and find the definition, I was supposed to call Teresa.  I couldn't call Cindy--she'd have to wait for the following day.  (She wasn't permitted to receive phone calls.)

Seduce.  As a 10 year old girl, I couldn't find it under the Cs, so I asked my Dad.  And I will never forget his face  I said, how do you spell seduce?  He stopped, looked up from the dining room table and said, who told you that word?  I had to give an explanation, so I made something up.  He made something up.  He said, it starts with S.

I found the definition, I got VERY angry and I called Teresa.  Next day, we told Cindy and I remember Cindy being just and infuriated as I was.

The next time the counsellor was at our school, I believe the following week, I walked into his office, tears streaming down my face and I said, I do not seduce my brother.  He blanched and did nothing. NOTHING.  I was nearing my limit for trusting adults.

Over the next number of years, we consoled each other, we comforted each other.  We looked at each others bruises, talked each other off our ledges when it just got too much to take.  She encouraged me to tell my Mom, who was around slightly more than my Dad. 

I told my mom, one Christmas season.  My mom took off her plastic slipper and slapped my brother across the face.  She told him that SHE would disciple me. 

It was a little like watching a movie.  Did that just happen...I knew, KNEW that I was in for it the MOMENT my mother left.  And I wasn't disappointed.  He choked me and beat me with a piece of wood--then raped me. 

All she got from my story about my brother was he hit me repeatedly.  She didn't even touch on the sexual abuse.  I was now at my limit for trusting adults.  I HATED my mother.  She had an opportunity to rescue me and she denied me. 

Looking back on all this -- I know that I did not make it through those years with out Cindy.  She was a gift from God. 

When we finished Grade 7, and I had to head onto Frank Hurt with out her--I remember just feeling lost.  And I was.

It was in that time, that my Dad found out what was going on in his home.  He dealt with it swiftly and kicked my brother out.  Then, there was a statement made.  It was either my mother or me, but my Dad had to make a decision.

As I got into the car to move with my Aunt and Uncle, he told me he was regretting this decision, but he didn't feel he had much choice.  As I cried and he put his hands through my hair, I pleaded with him.  Sitting in the front seat of the van, I pleaded with him.  I hadn't done anything wrong (much...) to destroy this family.

At that point, my mother came out of the house to join us on our trip to Victoria.  I instinctively moved to the back seat.  In my 13 year old mind, I was now forever separated from Cindy.

Over the years, I would think of her with fondness, hoped that she had a good life, that she was able to battle out the demons that follow that kind of upbringing.

Years later, I had a beautiful baby girl and I have really worked hard to maintain a relationship with her--when she reached 13, I couldn't understand how someone could give up on her.  I couldn't.

Melissa was bullied at that time so we put together a plan.  We would go for coffee at SBs on Friday to celebrate the fact that she made it all week at school.  We laughed together, we'd pray, we'd read our bible--to this day, she is my best friend.

During that time, a woman at SBs, said to Melissa and me, that she loved watching our friendship and relationship.  So, I let her in a little at a time.  At one time, she left SBs, she had broken her arm and needed income--so she moved down the mall to a clothing store.  I sat with her on the curb and talked one day for about an hour.  I was startled that I had spent that much time with a stranger when she said to me, "I feel drawn to you." 

I was shocked.

She then asked for my name so she could add me to facebook.  I'll never forget this for as long as I live.  It was a Saturday.  I sent her a friendship request on FB, she was "Simply Cindy".

Then, I woke Sunday morning, thinking oh, my gosh.  What have I done.  If I had 10 messages from Simply Cindy, I might have had 30.  (She'll smile when she reads this..) She was up all night to see if I logged onto FB, she said, I can't believe this.  I need to talk to you.  Call me when you get this message...and it went on and on.  I thought, what have I done.  I have a stalker!

I called and left a message on her phone, I think she had finally gotten to sleep.

She called me back and we arranged that night to meet at Starbucks--she said she had something to tell me.

So we met and she said, I knew it would be your if I could see your blue eyes.  I said, I knew it would be you if I could see her hands.  We held hands and cried.  We were reunited; my sister and me.  We got caught up.  Many, many years.  Many, many tears. 

Throughout the years since then, she has been my biggest supporter and fan.  When I got sick, she was the only friend ready to jump to it, rush to Victoria to take care of me.  She sent me notes of encouragement.  When I had my last scare, she called me and said she'd be here tomorrow.  I told her that we would worry when we knew that there would be something to worry about.  It turned out--we didn't have anything to worry about.

Yesterday, she and her honey Rick landed in Victoria and we spent the day together and we had an awesome day.  I just wanted to walk with her and talk.  Take time to catch up with her.

Last night we had Rick and Cindy over for dinner--they are really an amazing couple and just so thankful for their friendship.  So thankful that Cindy found Rick.

So, just as we were finishing up dinner, Cindy said to me, you know why I have pink in my hair right?  For you!  Back when I got sick, our mutual friend Lynn Waller organized a group that took part in the 24 hour relay in Kelowna, Run for a Cure.  She dedicated that run to Me and another friend.  It was at that time that Cindy put pink in her hair and from there she uses it as a conversation starter.

She loves me.  She really, really loves me.  When I think I have absolutely no one, or that I am completely alone in Victoria, I am so wrong.  I don't know that there will ever be a time or a way for me to adequately express how much I love this woman, and how much I have appreciated her friendship over the very, very many years--but one day, somehow, I will find a way.

I love you Simply Cindy, my Sister and my friend.

Proverbs 17:17A - A friend loves at all times.

 

  

Serious *facepalm*

This  will be a shorty.

Today, I am making grape juice from the grapes in our backyard.  For the first time ever, I was able to get the grapes before the birds did!

So, I am puttering around my kitchen ALL AFTERNOON.  I was making a loaf for lunches this week and juice--when--there is a knock on the door. 

I answer it finding a friend returning something he had borrowed from Kent.  I offer him some tea and lemon/zucchini loaf....he accepts.

He then starts telling us about a Persian rug sale that we should go and check out, it's only on for another day....I am busy with my juice and in my head I am thinking....

*(&T^)()_&^%

Like we can afford a Persian rug right now...

He then says, I am not sure where your finances are right now....

*(&T^)()_&^%

I mean, I am being the best "Proverbs 31" wife I can be right now, but seriously, with Kent out of work for 9 months, a Persian rug is kinda down the list of priorities right now.

Then he says, they are 2 for 1 right now.  The nicest one was $27,000.

Oh well, that changes everything!  Kent!  Get the car!  Let's go get 2 Persian rugs!

Sigh.  Seriously?  *facepalm*

 My afternoon in pictures:

Lemon Zucchini Loaf

 

 

 

 

Grape Juice