Life has such great moments in it and I am fighting not wallowing in the muck.
There is a bully at work, this week I actually phoned the "Employee Assistance Program" to talk to a counselor. Yes, ME talk to a COUNSELOR.
It's been going on since I started. She is angry, sweary, throwy and you never really know from day-to-day what you are going to get. It could be that she is nice followed directly with slamming cupboard doors and throwing staplers. (My desk--named by my coworkers Delilah has a gash in her from one stapler throwing incident....It hit Delilah, missing me, caught my computer and hit the floor....)
When it comes to me, I just bear it up. I have stood toe-to-toe with her and told her not to act like that in my office, but it doesn't seem to stick.
End of February, she did some paper work and I could see in the paper work she was starting to wind up again.
Sure enough, a couple weeks later--she had a moment in the office. A break down of sorts. She ended up calling a co-worker a vile couple names and then in the days that followed said some slanderous things.
I honestly thought I was maintaining life well, but I ended up dreaming that she hit me with a stapler and ripped my lip from my face. This week, I just couldn't stop dreaming about her. She would just pop into my dream and "be there".
On top of all that I have going on, Kent looking for work, being separated from Melissa and Jonathan, I hardly ever see Max. The thought of "I have to find a second job to support the family" feelings and then all the work that is in the house, I'm the finance person, housework, laundry, cook. Kent is helping with some of this, but I am watching the house get slowly into more disarray, the yard has grass we could hid Pippin in....I am slowly feeling more and more overwhelmed.
And Easter is coming.
People have asked to come for the weekend--and I just feel like I need a break.
This week, Wednesday, at 4 pm I was swamped with work that had to get done--when I heard the bully outside a co-workers office try to "go over my head" to get what she wanted. I think I startled her with the fact that I was still in the office and told her No is No. My coworker she was trying to manipulate said, a standard is a standard.
A standard is a standard and I love my boundaries.
I guess that is why I am feeling so overwhelmed, my ducks-in-a-row life is not that way right now and I am struggling with the free-wheeling, fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants life.
Never comfortable for a girl like me.
Thursday, I spent the night in prayer. Direction, Peace, Comfort, Wisdom and Kindness--the list could go on and on. One of my specific prayers was that Kent and I could still go see Jon and Melissa this summer (we've already purchased and paid for the tickets), and that we would be able to keep our benefits. I use a lot of drug still.
So, I mark this down, posting a road sign of sorts, because I want to look back on this in a while and know that God was faithful, to see me through the situation at work, the fatigue of life, His faithfulness in keeping us afloat financially and keep our family strong.
I’m feeling terrible—I couldn’t feel worse!
Get me on my feet again. You promised, remember?
When I told my story, you responded;
train me well in your deep wisdom.
Help me understand these things inside and out
so I can ponder your miracle-wonders.
My sad life’s dilapidated, a falling-down barn;
build me up again by your Word.
Barricade the road that goes Nowhere;
grace me with your clear revelation.
I choose the true road to Somewhere,
I post your road signs at every curve and corner.
I grasp and cling to whatever you tell me;
God, don’t let me down!
I’ll run the course you lay out for me
if you’ll just show me how.
Psalm 119:25-32 The Message
No comments:
Post a Comment