Worry vs Faith

A number of days ago, a friend asked me how I was doing.  I responded, with the truth.....I'm good!

I was good!  I was at work and out of the house, which I LOVED.  I enjoy my co-workers, I love what I do, it was a really good day.  I was good!

She responded with, you need to stop being fake and tell us the truth.

What?  I am not being fake.  Uh, the title of the blog is my life.  I really want to be authentic!

I came home, little perplexed.  Then, I found I was dreaming about it...and knew I had to process this all out. Then, while pinning things to my pinterest boards for breast cancer, found the picture above.  The reality hit me.

When all this started I had 2 friends say that they were praying for healing for me and both of them felt that God was saying pray for peace first.  (Both ladies don't know each other, and don't live in the same city.)

So, they were obedient and prayed for peace.  I have felt like I have been experiencing, truthfully, the peace that passes understanding.  (Phil 4:7)

After some time, one of the ladies called me and said, this week, when I was praying for you, God released me to pray for healing. As if, you were prepared in peace and ready for the healing to begin.

Then, on Sunday that week, my friend came and found me after church and said, God told me to come pray with you.  And she reiterated what I had heard previously from my friend in the States.

Bathed in peace, being laid before the throne of God--prepared for healing. Such comfort in those words and such faithful prayer partners!

I will be honest in the moment, if I'm ok, I will let you know.  If I'm not, I will let you know.  I am striving to be authentic and faithful.

Philippians 4:6-8  New International Version (NIV)

⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation,

by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,

present your requests to God.

⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy

—think about such things.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and bench pressing Buicks

It's shocking that one of the stressors of this experience with cancer is also the place that where I will find health.

I have lost track of how many oncologists (medical oncologists) I have had in the past 4 years.  Today, I finally got through to the BC Cancer Agency. I've left voicemails, I was going to email today if I didn't get through to anyone.

I had an appointment on November 30th (for a lymphoma follow up) that was canceled and I was told I would be called the beginning of December to reschedule. That didn't happen.

I had 2 appointments booked today -- two consultations one with (another) new medical oncologist and with a new radiation oncologist.  Here's the kicker....I have to have a separate appointment with another NEW medical oncologist for my lymphoma diagnosis.

What??  How is this helpful and not stressful.

Oh and the appointments are for January 3, 24 and 25.  Each is 90 minutes each.

How is this not stressful?

So, 4.5 hours of appointments.  No treatment, just talking to oncologists.

I really would love to see a study done on the stress of a patient when every other time they go to the Agency, they get a new oncologist.  I mean, don't get me wrong, they are nice people but how do you have any sort of rapport with people when it's a new oncologist, new admin, new clinic -- this is nuts.  I'd run this so differently if I had some say in this.

So, I tried to negotiate having only 1 new medical oncologist, dropping 1 appointment, that didn't work very well.

I have 3 appointments. 3 new physicians.  No answers for treatment until after January 3rd at least.

Oh, and the other part, I am talking to the admin and she asks if I have any questions.  I did, having a new Medical Oncologist (for the breast cancer), does this mean I have to have chemo?  The admin couldn't answer.  I am so hoping that I don't have to do chemo.

I can go to the BCCA for meetings or for lunch, but when I go there as a patient, I get incredibly nauseated.  Got that just from the phone call.

The very best of an ugly situation...

If you have known me for any length of time....let's say, if you've known me since 1997-2000, you'd know I have a healthy (clean) crush on Martin Smith (Delirious? Front Man)  Today started with a little Martin Smith, Kim and Jesus dance party....Fire Never Sleeps

When the surgeon's office calls and says, hey come in on Monday instead of Wednesday--the alarms go off.  I just can't help it.  Being asked to come in sooner than later doesn't always mean good news.

In fact, in this last couple of weeks, it's been just plain bad news.

What it meant this time was -- she needed Wednesday to do surgeries.  So, it had no bearing on my pathology report.  We've been all waiting on the pathology report.

Today, I went in with Kent to have my post surgical follow-up.  The steri-strips were taken off, the wound was assessed, it's all doing very well.  I talked about the migraines, to which the surgeon stated, "it could've been just bad luck." I agree. It could've been nothing but dumb luck.

The pathology report had arrived and we went over it.  It is the very best of a very ugly situation.  There was no cancer found in the lymph nodes or in the lymph channels. Praise God!! There was a .5mm mass left in my body that will have to be dealt with, but that is coming.

I am looking at a call and appointments with the BCCA (BC Cancer Agency) for treatment.  I am looking at potentially taking Tamoxifen (as the mass was ER+), radiation and even chemotherapy.  My surgeon told me she wouldn't speak about treatment--she'd leave that to the oncologist. 

I came home and called BCCA for an appointment.  They had cancelled my November 30th appointment and promised that they would call in the beginning of December to reschedule.  They haven't called.

Let me be perfectly clear.  I still have a process to walk through.  Potentially, treatment with BCCA and then surgery and reconstruction.  We discussed this today with the surgeon.  I asked for a timeline, she stated because of that .5mm mass, that means that I am on a priority list for the next surgery.

Am I looking forward to this, no, not at all.  Have a I learned in my lifetime that life isn't easy for me?  Yes.  But I also know that God is good and he has walked through this already.  If He's gone ahead of me, what do I have to fear?  Nothing.

He's got this.  Queue another dance party.

Fire Never Sleeps

2 Samuel 6:14-15
Wearing a linen ephod, David was dancing before the Lord with all his might, while he and all Israel were bringing up the ark of the Lord with shouts and the sound of trumpets.

Sometimes we do more by doing less.

It's 1:22 am.  I keep thinking it should be 4:12 am, I hear Switchfoot lyrics going off in my head.  "Been having trouble staying asleep, You've been waking up at 4:12....."

I'm sitting in my living room with an ice pack in my armpit, in the early morning hours staring out the window at this amazing sight.

There is a gorgeous silver-lined cloud floating outside my window with a gnarly leafless tree that is silhouetted in the frame of the window, it's really beautiful. It's breathtaking.  I know that a picture just wouldn't be able to do it justice.

And here I sit and think about my day.

Today was my first day of freedom.  My first day of feeling half decent in a week, so I took advantage of it.

I took Kent to work.

I filled the car up with gas.  I also found that Shell has a promotion right now, 50 air miles if you buy a coffee.  So I stood by the machine and made and paid for 4 people coffees.  200+ air miles later....

I went to the bank

I got a real coffee. (Thank you Starbucks)

I went home for a quick rest

I picked up Jonathan's Christmas present.

I went to the new Lowe's in my neighbourhood,  it was underwhelming.

I went to Home Outfitters and talked to a chatty supervisor about her inability to find good holiday relief workers.

I went to Canadian Tire and watched families walking out with toboggans and sleds, about to enjoy Victoria's first snow day in years.

I met Kent and a his co-worker for lunch....That's when Kent asked me about my morning.

(insert the sound of a needle being dragged across a vinyl record .... HERE)

Kim coyly looked at him and smiled.....

He got that look on his face....you know the one, happy-to-see-me-but-sure-I've-done-too-much-and-will-regret-it-later-face...He then instructed me to go home and rest--and I did for about an hour or so, then I started decorating a little in the house, not a ton, but a little.  I pulled out some garland and put in on the mantle, arranged some candles, got out some baubles and then went to get Kent from work.

I'm now paying the price for too much movement and not enough rest.  I'm not in pain, but I am very definitely uncomfortable.  I can't find a good position to sleep in.  So I sit here and watch my silver-lined cloud.

And promise myself that tomorrow...I will do less.

"Rest time is not waste time. It is economy to gather fresh strength... It is wisdom to take occasional furlough. In the long run, we shall do more by sometimes doing less."  - Charles Spurgeon

Snow Day 2016

So, technically it's the 2nd snow day of 2016, but who is really counting, it was today that people lost their marbles over.

We all react to snow in different ways, Kent for example loves real seasons and longs for the days when in Kelowna, we had 4 actual seasons.  Me?  If a snow man could be made of sand and I could live in flip flops year round, I'd be happy.

Pippin, thinks that all snow is to be barked at, each individual flake, like each one is a tiny, nasty invader to his little private sanctuary.  It was cute at first....

Blackberry and Socks decided to stay out all night last night.  So, when I opened the door this morning, Blackberry shot into the house, like the snow was lava and aghhh!!!

Socks got out from under a chair on the porch, stretched, then realized what he was standing in.  He decided that he would ONLY use Blackberry's footprints in which to walk.  I hated to tell him that he really only got the one paw into an actual footprint of Blackberry's.  The rest of the time, he managed to make his own tracks.  Then, he'd find another footprint and stretch as far as he could make it to make the next step.

I closed the door while he made is way about 6' to the door.

I did reopen the door and let him in.  Then, I heard from the cats for at least 20 minutes about the hardship of being outside all night long!  I did remind them, they didn't come back in last night....

At least it's pretty to look at.

Seriously, what day is it today?

What day is it today?  I have no idea.  Literally none.

I had to check my phone to find out what day it was, but by the time I got to it--I forgot I was looking for the DATE and looked at the time.

It is now, Thursday, December 8.  I have lost 6 days of my life.  I have very vague memories, very little to go on.

Saturday I was dismissed from VGH for home.  I got a full blown migraine. Sunday, I had a couple migraines.  Monday, I had more migraines.  At the time, I couldn't bear it up a moment longer and I asked Kent to take me to the VGH Emergency Room. 

I couldn't stop the pain, the vomiting, or hydrate myself.  After a 6 hour visit, it passed and I was hydrated and sent home. with a 20-30% bounce back rate.

And oh, did it bounce back.

I'm now sitting about 10 migraines in since Saturday.  I feel like I have a concussion.  I'm wobbly and tender.  I'm doing everything NOT to make another migraine.  This recovery thing is far harder than I ever dreamed it would be.

Thankfully, I have a little friend to keep me company.

Friday, December 2

It is Friday, December 2.  Earl's gonna die today.  Good riddance you life sucking cancerous irritant....and thanks for all the laughs.


Ok, as I edit this post, I have no idea what day it is.  I know it's noon.  I know I have missed most of Victoria's winter.  ;)

Friday, I entered Victoria General Hospital at 7:30 and was greeted and admitted by the cutest little thing.  She was adorable.  She offered me a private or semi-private room.  Yes.  I'll take it if it's available.

Kent and I went over to the Breast Health Clinic and got set up for the wire insertion, radioactive dye and then another mammogram.

I had the best and brightest in the department, I'm not kidding.  I'm also not kidding when I tell you that it didn't hurt. 

Here's the too much information on the procedures: the local anesthetic was inserted under ultrasound guidance.  The wire was then inserted directly into the middle of Earl.  When the wire sheath was retracted the wire had a little spring at the end that unfurled to hold itself in place.

The radiologist then prepped the needle for the radioactive dye.  He said, this will definitely hurt, I have to put this needle in your nipple.  My NiPpLe?? He said, well in the areola....I said get your anatomy right!!  I heaved a great sigh of relief....and broke out into a sweat....

That needle didn't hurt either, the mammogram that followed, it didn't hurt.

Then, there was the wait.  Up to 3 hours of waiting while the dye worked its way up the channels of the lymph and into the lymph nodes in my armpit.

Before I knew it, it was time to go in.  I was prepped by the nicest nurse.  We teased her that I was drinking Kent's coffee....

My arm was wrapped in a warm cloth in prep of the IV

I went upstairs and got into the surgical holding pattern.  I talked to the nurse, anesthetist and my surgeon, Dr. Alison Ross.

They wheeled me in the room and Alison asked me what I'd like for music, so I asked for Christian, she didn't have any.  So we settled on U2 - Joshua Tree -- Kent and I dated to that album....it's special. 

Next thing I knew, I was waking in the recovery room. A nurse said, what's your pain?  And I didn't even think about it before I answered 8!  5 times we went through this, I remember 5 injections....

I was taken to my room upstairs on 7AS and dopily wait for Kent.  I was uncomfortable, but not in pain. 

Now the recovery.