I'm not into herbal remedies or other forms of non-western approaches to health care. A couple friends heard that I had a cold and told me to use Oil of Oregano.
I did.
It left me wondering what I had ever done to those ladies to make them hate me so much.
It's disgusting.
It works.
I am feeling so much better today, not sure if it is mind over matter or that this treatment actually is working. I don't really care at this point. I am leaving for New York tomorrow--I need to get better fast.
I should be packing right now, but all I can think about is having a hot bubble bath and reading my book and catching an afternoon nap then packing.
It will happen, not necessarily in that order...
Saturday, 29 December 2012
Friday, 28 December 2012
Post Nasal Drip...drip....drip...
I have a cold. A dumb, stupid cold. I was bragging on Christmas Day how I haven't had a cold in years and wham-o. Minutes later, I feel my throat get scratchy, Kent sneezes a couple times and that's it....I am done in.
There was a time this summer where my only real social times came through Facebook and Pinterest. I would lay on the couch trying to sleep, willing the world to stop spinning and had an formal relationship with the toilet...we saw a lot of each other.
One day, while I was staring down a bowl of chicken noodle soup like it was toxic waste, trying to figure out whether it was better to eat and possibly get sick OR go hungry. I saw a post on Facebook from a friend, she had a head cold.
For 3 flippin weeks she complained online about a head cold. I can tell you, about the 3rd week I was ready to unfriend her when she stopped. I wouldn't wish my treatment on ANYBODY -- I have to say, in that moment of stare down with the soup I would've gladly traded places with her.
It's a cold--I'd rather have a cold then chemotherapy. Any. Day.
I saw my Medical Oncologist today, He kinda looks like this: Except friendlier.
There was a time this summer where my only real social times came through Facebook and Pinterest. I would lay on the couch trying to sleep, willing the world to stop spinning and had an formal relationship with the toilet...we saw a lot of each other.
One day, while I was staring down a bowl of chicken noodle soup like it was toxic waste, trying to figure out whether it was better to eat and possibly get sick OR go hungry. I saw a post on Facebook from a friend, she had a head cold.
For 3 flippin weeks she complained online about a head cold. I can tell you, about the 3rd week I was ready to unfriend her when she stopped. I wouldn't wish my treatment on ANYBODY -- I have to say, in that moment of stare down with the soup I would've gladly traded places with her.
It's a cold--I'd rather have a cold then chemotherapy. Any. Day.
I saw my Medical Oncologist today, He kinda looks like this: Except friendlier.
We went over the ultrasounds I just had done, all is good. The lumps in my neck have stayed the same through treatment and the process of recovery. He said it was normal for people to have lumps and bumps, the PET Scan in February spotted them, so they had to be investigated. My lab work was all normal for an 80 year old. Kidding, really. He did say that the chemotherapy has pushed me into menopause. They don't feel that will reverse. I actually would prefer just to keep on going rather than have to do this all over again.
So, I am post menopausal at 44. Maybe this will be a short time.
He did say that I can look into options for Hormone Replacement Therapy or Bio-Identical Hormone Therapy, but as it has been going well for now, I am just going to do this the most "non-chemical" way possible.
After my appointment I went to get some prescriptions and start towards getting ready for New York. In passing I asked the Pharmacist if I could get an official reciept with all the prescriptions I had filled in the store. He said it would take minutes, I took a seat. $1000.00 spent on prescriptions in that store alone. I know that I have others from the Travel Clinic and other pharmacies -- Cancer is dang expensive. Note: up until November 15th we had medical coverage for our prescriptions...at about 80% coverage.
I marvel at this year. I really do. Grad, wedding, cancer, sick time off work, (me), job loss, (Kent), on paper this year just doesn't make ANY financial sense.
That's when I come around to this--He provided all along:
I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the LORD,
the God of Israel, who summons you by name.
Isaiah 45:3
Monday, 24 December 2012
A Year In Pictures--2012
A Year In Pictures
January 2012
The biggest lesson from this year
February 2012
Love.
March 2012
Times Square March 2012
(Jill, Tori, Me and Kirsten)
Jordan and Luke
April 2012
Summit Pacific Graduation
(Kent, Me, Daniel Patten, Max and Melisssa)
Sarah's Graduation Summit Pacific
(Max, Melissa, Kent, Sarah, Me and Luke)
Time to let it go
May 2012
HM 2012
(Me, Emily, Katie, Marissa)
June 2012
Max, High School Grad 2012
Marissa and Me
Some of my biggest supporters
(Jordan, Me and Reid)
July 2012
Tucker and Pippin, hot-tubbin, lookin for chicks.
August 2012
Melissa and Jonathan August 4, 2012
Fisgard Lighthouse, Victoria, BC
One of my most favourite photos of Melissa getting ready.
Max
September 2012
Fall Retreat 2012
(Miyah, Me, Destiny and Jessica)
October 2012
Josh and Jordan, trying to get on the "couple fridge"
Kent and I at the Glow Youth "Hallowed Be Party"
James....Jam-y....(Kiersten in the background)
Greater Love has no woman....
It was like a tropical beach holiday!
November 2012
Boredom causes Pinterest addiction...
December 2012
Learning that it's not all what society says is beautiful--that is what counts.
Year in Review 2012
A Year in Review 2012
There is a picture on Pinterest that states if you weren't there to share in my trials you can't share in my victory...or something like that. I don't agree with this at all. You can all share in my victory, this year has plenty of them.
January 2012
I was happily working as a Switchboard operator in January. Learning that the job is more extensive every day, but loving it. I work with some truly incredible people. In fact, my co-worker told me when I started she had been praying for more "light" in the office, I believe she prayed me into the office and that we have a great responsibility there as well as favor with our coworkers.
Kent and I were doing really well--we were enjoying this "new phase" of life--were we spending lots of time together, lots of dates, it was really, really fun.
I was gearing up for another trip to New York with the Emmanuel Church Next Gen Ministries, partnering again with the New York School of Urban Ministries.
We were also gearing up for a trip to Kelowna at the end of the month for JJ and Grace Starings wedding, January 29th. We were happy to know we were going "home" to see people we really loved.
Our clutch was seriously going on our car and we knew that with the expense of a trip and the clutch we wouldn't make our budget. The trip to Kelowna was cancelled and my heart literally broken. On Saturday, January 29th I cried off and on all day, looking constantly at Facebook for a wedding photo. I didn't realize until that moment how important this trip really was for me.
January 30th, we found the lump. It was providential to be at home, we were about to embark on a string of miracles, we just didn't know it at the time. The first miracle happened that night. At 11 pm, we arrived at the Emergency Department of Victoria General Hospital. Right at shift change. I couldn't believe how dumb a move this was. When we were admitted, I assumed the position of a long wait...when the nurse called me in. We were the only patients in the emergency room. Miracle #1.
January 31st, I was seen by a radiologist for an ultrasound with in 10 hours of my emergency visit. Miracle #2
February 2012
February brought a long month of waiting...and a lifetime of Doctors appointments, hospital visits, lab work biopsies and scans. Kent and I celebrated Valentine's Day, although I can tell you neither of us felt like rejoicing but we were overjoyed to still be together and very much in love.
At the end of February I stole my lab work on a late shift, and saw the results, large B-cell lymphoma, or Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma.
I sat at my desk--called Kent to join me for dinner and told my co-worker the news. She told me to take as much time as I needed.
Kent and I talked, no tears were shed, Kent simply stated we would walk through this together. And he meant every word of it. There was such peace that night. My co-worker called it denial, but I call it God. He was with us.
March 2012
March 9th I was gearing up to go to Kelowna and meet with the team for the trip to Seattle then onto New York, I received a phone call from Dr. Bieberdorf's office, confirming that there was Cancer, there would be surgery scheduled and at least chemotherapy.
I asked about New York, he said, go. He said, get lots of rest, take care of your immune system and avoid crowds. I asked him if he'd ever been to New York....he hadn't. There was no way, any of those 3 things would be attainable. I have never come home from a missions trip healthy. Ever.
We had an amazing trip to New York, making life long friends, seeing and doing the most amazing things. I came home completely content that I would probably never do ministry again in New York, or with Emmanuel Church and I would never do another missions trip without Kent unless God decided otherwise but I did tell God he would have to be vocal if I were to go without Kent....Very. Vocal.
I came home, with 2 all nighters pulled in 10 days, as fit as a fiddle--ready for the next stage which was surgery. I had to wait until the end of April for Chemotherapy to start.
April 2012
April 27th We picked up Melissa in Abbotsford from her year at school, we attended the Summit Pacific Grad for our "adopted" daughter Sarah Hogue (now Tilley) and headed home on the 28th. Melissa was sad at having to leave Jonathan behind, but little did she know he had already beaten us to our house...and was planning to ask her to marry him.
Monday, I started chemotherapy. I was scared, I am the first to admit, I am a terrible patient. I went in with an attitude of gratefulness, expectant of great things, and asking God to dump on me a level of patience and kindness that the nursing staff would see a difference in me.
They did.
My Medical Oncologist-extraordinaire was Dr. Fitzgerald. I. Love. Her. She said that the staff would tell her, "your little lady was in today." What a compliment.
May 2012
The hair fell out dang fast. In fact, in 2 weeks I was already feeling it go. At first it felt like I had had it professionally thinned, but that didn't last long. My love, my life, cut my hair all off--in one of the most loving acts I have ever witnessed. I am so proud of Kent. He was my greatest advocate, fan and support. I love him more than ever.
We also went to HistoryMaker in May. Yes, on the surface probably a dumb move, but again, knowing after the fact that I was completely meant to be there. One of the girls from our youth group was diagnosed with the same form of Cancer as me. The girls had a ton of questions....
June 2012
June brought around more chemo and Max's high school graduation. Melissa was working at Murchie's Team House, Jonathan was about to move in for the summer and work in Victoria, Kent was happily working at Vivitro Labs.
Max's high school does all the grad events in one day, I knew would be a colossal stretch for me, and it was every bit one of the toughest days of my treatment. I had to stay hydrated during treatment and that day I had let my schedule go, and by the time we go to the ceremony, my teeth were stuck to the inside of my mouth, I fell asleep during the ceremony (not for the important parts) and by the time we got home, I was so wound up--I had to take extra medication to sleep my little 2-4 hours that night.
Max. I am super proud of him. He had a tough year. He has had his moments of anger and frustration, but he is a softer and kinder person now. He is back to his happy self these days, and I am so thankful for him.
July 2012
Let's have your birthday party here! *facepalm* So we invited about 100,000,00 people and I catered it myself. OK, that's an exaggeration, we had about 30 people---looking back on it now, I wonder WHY did I do this? I am sure you are too--just that we longed for something NORMAL in our life. I wanted to celebrate Kent--and so we did!
I had a mini meltdown one day in July with regards to my appearance. I was bloated on medications and I had lost all but a couple eye lashes, those I was hanging onto. I called the BC Cancer Agency, knowing that they had a "beauty" class I could take.
Melissa and I went to the class and had. a. blast. It was so much fun. It was truly amazing how much it improved my out look on life. I highly recommend the class, having eyebrows makes a girl feel a little less like this:
and more like this:
Weren't expecting that were you....FIERCE!
August 2012
A wedding. We did it. I told Melissa that one day, we would look back at all this and say, "Remember that summer, you got married and I was going through chemotherapy?" We would look back on it with fondness and wonder how we pulled it all off.
She was beautiful, radiant. It went off without too many glitches, but nothing anyone could really see.
We were up really early that morning and as I was putting on my make up I lost the last 3 eyelashes I had. I had no eyebrows to speak of, no hair on my head--but with the beauty class I had taken in the weeks before the wedding, I was ready.
Chemotherapy had ended and in the days before the wedding I started Radiation therapy. A lonely time for me. Melissa and Jonathan were gone. Max and Kent were working tons and I was going daily for treatment alone.
I am not saying this for pity's sake, I am saying this because it was one of the tough times in my treatment but it was really, really good for me. I made some friends with the people in the treatment center I even brought them cupcakes one day. Chocolate cake with chocolate icing, Spice cake with rum icing and white cake with coconut icing. Baking is a huge distraction for me.
I went back to work on the 21st, did some retraining and then was back to my schedule the following week.
September 2012
I found out in a hurry that I had bitten off more than I could chew. I could work all day, (7.5 hours) sitting on my rump, but actually getting through the rest of my day was difficult. I had no energy and found that I was slowly becoming this tense little ball of person. I had a tough time moving and staying limber. The Oncology Doctors told me that I should expect to return to work and exercise in December.....they didn't tell me that until AFTER I had gone back to work.
In my eagerness to get back to normal life, I had pushed it too far, too soon.
For my birthday we had a birthday party at our house and we were amazed to see connections with friends we didn't know knew each other. Rekindling friendships with some "old" friends (Shannon Whissel) and some new friends we had made through Kent's job connection at work.
My hair sprouted. It was milky white with a little bit of latte colour, how appropriate for me!
October 2012
24 years off marriage and a skiff of hair. We postponed our anniversary celebrations for late in October again, it was a God-thing. We had a great little place at Point No Point, paid for by travel points!
Officially 1 month of hair growth....
Hurricane Sandy hit the Jersey Shore and New York and we were asked to come help, so along with a crew from Emmanuel, Kent and I had made plans to spend New Years Eve in New York.
November 2012
This month brought on the biggest heartache for me for the year. Melissa and Jonathan announced that they would be moving to Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. We were on a Skype call when I got up and left the room. I have been excitedly watching my kids bloom and leave the nest, but I didn't expect that it would be such a great distance away.
Days later, Kent lost his job due to "company restructuring", it was found his job was "redundant". It was a painful time as we questioned why on earth we had made the move to Victoria in the first place and then resolved to whatever God wants, we are willing.
We had 2 car accidents with a brand-new-to-us car we had just purchased from Galaxy Motors. We would highly recommend Andrew and David. They were exceptional!
I had that week to say no to going to New York. I put out a fleece to God that if I were to go, He would provide. In 3.5 hours, the trip was completely paid for. Kent stated, if I get a job in 2 weeks, I will go too.
December 2012
Needless to say, God answers. Kent is now working with a company called Latitude Technologies. He was terribly upset about having to leave Vivitro, but happily working along side some really great people. He is going with me to New York and we are looking to wrap up this year in Times Square.
I can't say that this has been a horrible year, yes, looking at the "big picture" you might think so, but if you look closer you will see that there have been many, many bright spots along the way. I said to Kent just a few days ago, in all the grief and misery that this year has had, it is like God dropped little bits of light in it to remind us He is still here and He is still listening.
My mantra this year it would be this: "God is good."
As I write this I have this worship song running in my head. This is my anthem. I sang this song continually this year: Made Me Glad-Hillsong
There is a picture on Pinterest that states if you weren't there to share in my trials you can't share in my victory...or something like that. I don't agree with this at all. You can all share in my victory, this year has plenty of them.
January 2012
I was happily working as a Switchboard operator in January. Learning that the job is more extensive every day, but loving it. I work with some truly incredible people. In fact, my co-worker told me when I started she had been praying for more "light" in the office, I believe she prayed me into the office and that we have a great responsibility there as well as favor with our coworkers.
Kent and I were doing really well--we were enjoying this "new phase" of life--were we spending lots of time together, lots of dates, it was really, really fun.
I was gearing up for another trip to New York with the Emmanuel Church Next Gen Ministries, partnering again with the New York School of Urban Ministries.
We were also gearing up for a trip to Kelowna at the end of the month for JJ and Grace Starings wedding, January 29th. We were happy to know we were going "home" to see people we really loved.
Our clutch was seriously going on our car and we knew that with the expense of a trip and the clutch we wouldn't make our budget. The trip to Kelowna was cancelled and my heart literally broken. On Saturday, January 29th I cried off and on all day, looking constantly at Facebook for a wedding photo. I didn't realize until that moment how important this trip really was for me.
January 30th, we found the lump. It was providential to be at home, we were about to embark on a string of miracles, we just didn't know it at the time. The first miracle happened that night. At 11 pm, we arrived at the Emergency Department of Victoria General Hospital. Right at shift change. I couldn't believe how dumb a move this was. When we were admitted, I assumed the position of a long wait...when the nurse called me in. We were the only patients in the emergency room. Miracle #1.
January 31st, I was seen by a radiologist for an ultrasound with in 10 hours of my emergency visit. Miracle #2
February 2012
February brought a long month of waiting...and a lifetime of Doctors appointments, hospital visits, lab work biopsies and scans. Kent and I celebrated Valentine's Day, although I can tell you neither of us felt like rejoicing but we were overjoyed to still be together and very much in love.
At the end of February I stole my lab work on a late shift, and saw the results, large B-cell lymphoma, or Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma.
I sat at my desk--called Kent to join me for dinner and told my co-worker the news. She told me to take as much time as I needed.
Kent and I talked, no tears were shed, Kent simply stated we would walk through this together. And he meant every word of it. There was such peace that night. My co-worker called it denial, but I call it God. He was with us.
March 2012
March 9th I was gearing up to go to Kelowna and meet with the team for the trip to Seattle then onto New York, I received a phone call from Dr. Bieberdorf's office, confirming that there was Cancer, there would be surgery scheduled and at least chemotherapy.
I asked about New York, he said, go. He said, get lots of rest, take care of your immune system and avoid crowds. I asked him if he'd ever been to New York....he hadn't. There was no way, any of those 3 things would be attainable. I have never come home from a missions trip healthy. Ever.
We had an amazing trip to New York, making life long friends, seeing and doing the most amazing things. I came home completely content that I would probably never do ministry again in New York, or with Emmanuel Church and I would never do another missions trip without Kent unless God decided otherwise but I did tell God he would have to be vocal if I were to go without Kent....Very. Vocal.
I came home, with 2 all nighters pulled in 10 days, as fit as a fiddle--ready for the next stage which was surgery. I had to wait until the end of April for Chemotherapy to start.
April 2012
April 27th We picked up Melissa in Abbotsford from her year at school, we attended the Summit Pacific Grad for our "adopted" daughter Sarah Hogue (now Tilley) and headed home on the 28th. Melissa was sad at having to leave Jonathan behind, but little did she know he had already beaten us to our house...and was planning to ask her to marry him.
Monday, I started chemotherapy. I was scared, I am the first to admit, I am a terrible patient. I went in with an attitude of gratefulness, expectant of great things, and asking God to dump on me a level of patience and kindness that the nursing staff would see a difference in me.
They did.
My Medical Oncologist-extraordinaire was Dr. Fitzgerald. I. Love. Her. She said that the staff would tell her, "your little lady was in today." What a compliment.
May 2012
The hair fell out dang fast. In fact, in 2 weeks I was already feeling it go. At first it felt like I had had it professionally thinned, but that didn't last long. My love, my life, cut my hair all off--in one of the most loving acts I have ever witnessed. I am so proud of Kent. He was my greatest advocate, fan and support. I love him more than ever.
We also went to HistoryMaker in May. Yes, on the surface probably a dumb move, but again, knowing after the fact that I was completely meant to be there. One of the girls from our youth group was diagnosed with the same form of Cancer as me. The girls had a ton of questions....
June 2012
June brought around more chemo and Max's high school graduation. Melissa was working at Murchie's Team House, Jonathan was about to move in for the summer and work in Victoria, Kent was happily working at Vivitro Labs.
Max's high school does all the grad events in one day, I knew would be a colossal stretch for me, and it was every bit one of the toughest days of my treatment. I had to stay hydrated during treatment and that day I had let my schedule go, and by the time we go to the ceremony, my teeth were stuck to the inside of my mouth, I fell asleep during the ceremony (not for the important parts) and by the time we got home, I was so wound up--I had to take extra medication to sleep my little 2-4 hours that night.
Max. I am super proud of him. He had a tough year. He has had his moments of anger and frustration, but he is a softer and kinder person now. He is back to his happy self these days, and I am so thankful for him.
July 2012
Let's have your birthday party here! *facepalm* So we invited about 100,000,00 people and I catered it myself. OK, that's an exaggeration, we had about 30 people---looking back on it now, I wonder WHY did I do this? I am sure you are too--just that we longed for something NORMAL in our life. I wanted to celebrate Kent--and so we did!
I had a mini meltdown one day in July with regards to my appearance. I was bloated on medications and I had lost all but a couple eye lashes, those I was hanging onto. I called the BC Cancer Agency, knowing that they had a "beauty" class I could take.
Melissa and I went to the class and had. a. blast. It was so much fun. It was truly amazing how much it improved my out look on life. I highly recommend the class, having eyebrows makes a girl feel a little less like this:
and more like this:
Weren't expecting that were you....FIERCE!
August 2012
A wedding. We did it. I told Melissa that one day, we would look back at all this and say, "Remember that summer, you got married and I was going through chemotherapy?" We would look back on it with fondness and wonder how we pulled it all off.
She was beautiful, radiant. It went off without too many glitches, but nothing anyone could really see.
We were up really early that morning and as I was putting on my make up I lost the last 3 eyelashes I had. I had no eyebrows to speak of, no hair on my head--but with the beauty class I had taken in the weeks before the wedding, I was ready.
Chemotherapy had ended and in the days before the wedding I started Radiation therapy. A lonely time for me. Melissa and Jonathan were gone. Max and Kent were working tons and I was going daily for treatment alone.
I am not saying this for pity's sake, I am saying this because it was one of the tough times in my treatment but it was really, really good for me. I made some friends with the people in the treatment center I even brought them cupcakes one day. Chocolate cake with chocolate icing, Spice cake with rum icing and white cake with coconut icing. Baking is a huge distraction for me.
I went back to work on the 21st, did some retraining and then was back to my schedule the following week.
September 2012
I found out in a hurry that I had bitten off more than I could chew. I could work all day, (7.5 hours) sitting on my rump, but actually getting through the rest of my day was difficult. I had no energy and found that I was slowly becoming this tense little ball of person. I had a tough time moving and staying limber. The Oncology Doctors told me that I should expect to return to work and exercise in December.....they didn't tell me that until AFTER I had gone back to work.
In my eagerness to get back to normal life, I had pushed it too far, too soon.
For my birthday we had a birthday party at our house and we were amazed to see connections with friends we didn't know knew each other. Rekindling friendships with some "old" friends (Shannon Whissel) and some new friends we had made through Kent's job connection at work.
My hair sprouted. It was milky white with a little bit of latte colour, how appropriate for me!
October 2012
24 years off marriage and a skiff of hair. We postponed our anniversary celebrations for late in October again, it was a God-thing. We had a great little place at Point No Point, paid for by travel points!
Officially 1 month of hair growth....
Hurricane Sandy hit the Jersey Shore and New York and we were asked to come help, so along with a crew from Emmanuel, Kent and I had made plans to spend New Years Eve in New York.
November 2012
This month brought on the biggest heartache for me for the year. Melissa and Jonathan announced that they would be moving to Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. We were on a Skype call when I got up and left the room. I have been excitedly watching my kids bloom and leave the nest, but I didn't expect that it would be such a great distance away.
Days later, Kent lost his job due to "company restructuring", it was found his job was "redundant". It was a painful time as we questioned why on earth we had made the move to Victoria in the first place and then resolved to whatever God wants, we are willing.
We had 2 car accidents with a brand-new-to-us car we had just purchased from Galaxy Motors. We would highly recommend Andrew and David. They were exceptional!
I had that week to say no to going to New York. I put out a fleece to God that if I were to go, He would provide. In 3.5 hours, the trip was completely paid for. Kent stated, if I get a job in 2 weeks, I will go too.
December 2012
Needless to say, God answers. Kent is now working with a company called Latitude Technologies. He was terribly upset about having to leave Vivitro, but happily working along side some really great people. He is going with me to New York and we are looking to wrap up this year in Times Square.
I can't say that this has been a horrible year, yes, looking at the "big picture" you might think so, but if you look closer you will see that there have been many, many bright spots along the way. I said to Kent just a few days ago, in all the grief and misery that this year has had, it is like God dropped little bits of light in it to remind us He is still here and He is still listening.
My mantra this year it would be this: "God is good."
As I write this I have this worship song running in my head. This is my anthem. I sang this song continually this year: Made Me Glad-Hillsong
Books Conquered 2012
December is always a month of reflection for me. I spend the month working through and processing my year, reflecting on people I miss, things I could have done better and eventually in wonder of what God has done in my year.
My pictorial year in review may not be posted until January.
Last December I decided that I would set a goal for reading. I had a moment a number of years ago that I had wanted to join a book club -- I was told that it was serious and that my goofiness would not be tolerated and I would have to actually READ the book. Little did they know, how much I read, and how much of my life I spend sitting, being still, being engrossed with a book, I get lost in a world that is not my own. I mourn the loss of the characters long before the book is over go through withdrawal once the characters are finished.
So, my goal for reading was 2, 450 paged books per month. A total of 10,800 pages for the year. In December 2012 I thought it was stupidly lofty, this ambition of mine. But I have to say: I did it. And the year isn't over.
I have read a total of 11,697 pages. 27 books. 8 series. 1 romance. (Thanks to Julie Presley). I did not include in this list my bible reading. The only book I didn't accomplish this year on my list was to re-read the Lineage of Grace, but Pam still has that book I think....(I <3 Pam!)
The truth of this is that had I not gotten sick, this goal probably not happened. The fact that I had this simple goal, got me out of bed in the morning. I would sit in the sun of my backyard (for 10 minutes at a time only) and read. When I was strung out on my "uppers" I would read from 2 am to about 5-7 am most nights. When I was feeling "ok" I would walk to my neighbourhood Starbuck's and people watch and read.
The best gift I have ever gotten was an e-reader. I was reading the Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett and I was too weak to hold the book to read. My family saw this and gave me the e-reader for Mother's Day. An extravagant gift for sure--and I am so, so thankful for it. I thought I would miss page turning, the feeling of a lot of book in my right hand and watch it move slowly to my left..I didn't miss it, I was too engrossed in my new characters or world..I didn't notice. I did miss the smell of a good book.
And I am so proud of my accomplishment.
My pictorial year in review may not be posted until January.
Last December I decided that I would set a goal for reading. I had a moment a number of years ago that I had wanted to join a book club -- I was told that it was serious and that my goofiness would not be tolerated and I would have to actually READ the book. Little did they know, how much I read, and how much of my life I spend sitting, being still, being engrossed with a book, I get lost in a world that is not my own. I mourn the loss of the characters long before the book is over go through withdrawal once the characters are finished.
So, my goal for reading was 2, 450 paged books per month. A total of 10,800 pages for the year. In December 2012 I thought it was stupidly lofty, this ambition of mine. But I have to say: I did it. And the year isn't over.
I have read a total of 11,697 pages. 27 books. 8 series. 1 romance. (Thanks to Julie Presley). I did not include in this list my bible reading. The only book I didn't accomplish this year on my list was to re-read the Lineage of Grace, but Pam still has that book I think....(I <3 Pam!)
The truth of this is that had I not gotten sick, this goal probably not happened. The fact that I had this simple goal, got me out of bed in the morning. I would sit in the sun of my backyard (for 10 minutes at a time only) and read. When I was strung out on my "uppers" I would read from 2 am to about 5-7 am most nights. When I was feeling "ok" I would walk to my neighbourhood Starbuck's and people watch and read.
The best gift I have ever gotten was an e-reader. I was reading the Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett and I was too weak to hold the book to read. My family saw this and gave me the e-reader for Mother's Day. An extravagant gift for sure--and I am so, so thankful for it. I thought I would miss page turning, the feeling of a lot of book in my right hand and watch it move slowly to my left..I didn't miss it, I was too engrossed in my new characters or world..I didn't notice. I did miss the smell of a good book.
And I am so proud of my accomplishment.
Friday, 21 December 2012
Lamentation
My friend posted this on her FB after the Snady Hook School shootings:
Lament....
"Lament enables individuals and communities to move from silence into transformative speech, speech that rages at God, but which ultimately has the capacity for and the goal of reconciling the suffering community to find healing, hope, and the ability to love God in spite of the presence of evil."
John Swinton, Raging with Compassion
I give myself 2 days of "lament" a year, it goes like this:
September 1, 1998--Was the due date for our 3rd addition to our family. His name was Jack and he died before he could be born. I was devastated. I don't remember the date of his death, but rather I have always focused on the day that he was supposed to join our family. Each September 1 I remember, some years are more difficult than others, but on that date I think of all the pain filled things that he would have had to endure and I am now thankful for that trial and that one day I will be reunited with my perfect little boy.
In the following days, I was accepted as a youth leader at Emmanuel Church I know I couldn't have been a youth leader with a new born. It would've been too much work!
Then came a time in the church where people were really pressuring us to "join the three club" to have a 3rd child. At the time, the pain was too great to talk to people about their pressure--I kept it all to myself. Then there was this pressure to have a baby in 2000.
I knew that I was done trying to have children, Kent, he could drop it today and start building a new family....I told him to get a new little wife...(joke)
December 21, 1991--My dad died. December 14th I woke up at 8 am or so, Kent said to me, you have been talking in tongues in your sleep since 4 am. I remember telling Kent that I must have needed it. A short time later, we got the call that my biological dad had a car accident and that he was brain dead. He died on the 21st and then we buried him December 28th.
Each Christmas season, I reflect back on that season, I was about to give birth to Melissa (Jan 4 was my original due date), it caused such great stress, for the 2 weeks after his accident, finding out he was brain dead and then the funeral--I was rocketed into the realization of a number of things, but one was who I could trust and who I absolutely could not.
Kent and I learned big lessons.
So, both days get me talking. Now, we reflect on who Jack would be, musical, athletic, friend to Max, protector to Melissa, good at school? We now dream of the day that we will be reunited. We talk about how funny my Dad was and what a great source of wisdom--how much he would've loved to see our little family grow and again there will be a day we will see them again.
So, December 21, September 1. Both days that I could crawl under a rock and die, I do have tears, but I have learned that I remember, I lament, I reflect then I rejoice...for the promise of new life.
So, Jackson and Dad, you are missed today so much, but we rejoice in the knowledge of where you are and that we will have a family reunion one day.
Lament....
"Lament enables individuals and communities to move from silence into transformative speech, speech that rages at God, but which ultimately has the capacity for and the goal of reconciling the suffering community to find healing, hope, and the ability to love God in spite of the presence of evil."
John Swinton, Raging with Compassion
I give myself 2 days of "lament" a year, it goes like this:
September 1, 1998--Was the due date for our 3rd addition to our family. His name was Jack and he died before he could be born. I was devastated. I don't remember the date of his death, but rather I have always focused on the day that he was supposed to join our family. Each September 1 I remember, some years are more difficult than others, but on that date I think of all the pain filled things that he would have had to endure and I am now thankful for that trial and that one day I will be reunited with my perfect little boy.
In the following days, I was accepted as a youth leader at Emmanuel Church I know I couldn't have been a youth leader with a new born. It would've been too much work!
Then came a time in the church where people were really pressuring us to "join the three club" to have a 3rd child. At the time, the pain was too great to talk to people about their pressure--I kept it all to myself. Then there was this pressure to have a baby in 2000.
I knew that I was done trying to have children, Kent, he could drop it today and start building a new family....I told him to get a new little wife...(joke)
December 21, 1991--My dad died. December 14th I woke up at 8 am or so, Kent said to me, you have been talking in tongues in your sleep since 4 am. I remember telling Kent that I must have needed it. A short time later, we got the call that my biological dad had a car accident and that he was brain dead. He died on the 21st and then we buried him December 28th.
Each Christmas season, I reflect back on that season, I was about to give birth to Melissa (Jan 4 was my original due date), it caused such great stress, for the 2 weeks after his accident, finding out he was brain dead and then the funeral--I was rocketed into the realization of a number of things, but one was who I could trust and who I absolutely could not.
Kent and I learned big lessons.
So, both days get me talking. Now, we reflect on who Jack would be, musical, athletic, friend to Max, protector to Melissa, good at school? We now dream of the day that we will be reunited. We talk about how funny my Dad was and what a great source of wisdom--how much he would've loved to see our little family grow and again there will be a day we will see them again.
So, December 21, September 1. Both days that I could crawl under a rock and die, I do have tears, but I have learned that I remember, I lament, I reflect then I rejoice...for the promise of new life.
So, Jackson and Dad, you are missed today so much, but we rejoice in the knowledge of where you are and that we will have a family reunion one day.
Sunday, 16 December 2012
School Shootings.
School shootings.
I remember April 20, 1999--my life was shattered as I watched the unfolding of what is now just known as Columbine.
I contacted Derek, who was the youth pastor at the time--what would we do? We set a very fragile plan in place, praying that we would never need it--and thankfully, while we lived in West Kelowna, it was never needed.
When I watched in horror the newscast of Sandy Hook Elementary School school shooting--all I could think of was: Jesus come. Come like you promised.
I realize now that that whispered prayer was selfish. I long for a time where there is no more pain, no more school shootings, company restructuring, cancer, wayward children, or distress.
My heart longs for security, but I know that is something I will never truly find on earth. I have cried out to God several times this year, come like you promised. You said you would...but then my heart wains as I think of all the people who haven't heard of His sacrifice and those that have heard but have not turned their hearts towards God and I am stayed for the moment--secure of my future, because I know who holds it.
And this song is my hearts cry:
Like you promised
I remember April 20, 1999--my life was shattered as I watched the unfolding of what is now just known as Columbine.
I contacted Derek, who was the youth pastor at the time--what would we do? We set a very fragile plan in place, praying that we would never need it--and thankfully, while we lived in West Kelowna, it was never needed.
When I watched in horror the newscast of Sandy Hook Elementary School school shooting--all I could think of was: Jesus come. Come like you promised.
I realize now that that whispered prayer was selfish. I long for a time where there is no more pain, no more school shootings, company restructuring, cancer, wayward children, or distress.
My heart longs for security, but I know that is something I will never truly find on earth. I have cried out to God several times this year, come like you promised. You said you would...but then my heart wains as I think of all the people who haven't heard of His sacrifice and those that have heard but have not turned their hearts towards God and I am stayed for the moment--secure of my future, because I know who holds it.
And this song is my hearts cry:
Like you promised
Saturday, 15 December 2012
God is good
Kent is now the Senior Hardware Designer for a company in Victoria called Latitude Technologies. Latitude Technologies
From the outside, which is all I have seen so far, it reminds me very much of Northern Airborne Technology, the company that Kent worked for for 23 years.
Despite what the last couple of years has looked like, we really don't like to move around a lot. Kent likes to set down roots and stay.
I asked him the other day as we passed by his former employers office, would you have made the leap from Vivitro to Latitude? I mean without having the company restructuring that Vivitro did?
The answer was no.
He was very happy at Vivitro, the people there are amazing and we will truly miss seeing them--we don't hold any ill will toward them at all.
So, a new adventure starts on Monday. Kent will be going into a whole new realm of engineering all over again. I am so immensely proud of the stretching he has undergone in the past 2 years. He is truly my hero, my best friend and the most amazing support a girl could ask for.
I am continually amazed at what happens in our lives, the 'mercy' drops that God has given us, reminders that He is still here, He is still listening to us, and loves us so much.
Which brings me around to this -- I am praying for a more non-exciting, settled, healthy, joyful and contented 2013...but I also have to say, I wouldn't give up my 2012 for anything. God is good.
From the outside, which is all I have seen so far, it reminds me very much of Northern Airborne Technology, the company that Kent worked for for 23 years.
Despite what the last couple of years has looked like, we really don't like to move around a lot. Kent likes to set down roots and stay.
I asked him the other day as we passed by his former employers office, would you have made the leap from Vivitro to Latitude? I mean without having the company restructuring that Vivitro did?
The answer was no.
He was very happy at Vivitro, the people there are amazing and we will truly miss seeing them--we don't hold any ill will toward them at all.
So, a new adventure starts on Monday. Kent will be going into a whole new realm of engineering all over again. I am so immensely proud of the stretching he has undergone in the past 2 years. He is truly my hero, my best friend and the most amazing support a girl could ask for.
I am continually amazed at what happens in our lives, the 'mercy' drops that God has given us, reminders that He is still here, He is still listening to us, and loves us so much.
Which brings me around to this -- I am praying for a more non-exciting, settled, healthy, joyful and contented 2013...but I also have to say, I wouldn't give up my 2012 for anything. God is good.
Wednesday, 12 December 2012
12/12/12
I am getting a little tired of the whole 12/12/12 thing, I actually looked at my watch at 12.15 and realized I had completely missed the 12/12/12 12:12:12 thing. Oh well.
It actually got me thinking about life, people saying we will never see anything like this again in our lifetime....it got me thinking about "you only live once." The fact is, we live everyday, we only die once.
Perspective.
So, how am I going to earmark 12/12/12? My spending time with my love. By caring for my family and friends and by following hard after my God.
In the end, that's all that really matters.
Tuesday, 11 December 2012
Job Interviews and Snake Oil Sales
Kent has been called for a second interview on Thursday with an Avionics company called Latitude. It's non-publicized position in the company.
The interesting thing: It's right behind Starfish and Vivitro. Kent and I were on the balcony at Starfish a number of times when he would point out Latitude to me and tell me who worked there. I think he knows 5 people in the company.
I was called into work yesterday. I talked to my co-workers and there is a possibility of a part-time and full-time positions being posted in our department. I am hoping the posting happens soon.
I teased Max that he is the "bread winner" in the family.....tongue-in-cheek, because technically he's the only one in the family who is working full time right now!
So, we wait. We pray for direction, we pray for provision. We know that God is holding us up, in all the darkness there have been out-right moments of God's intervention this past number of months.
Provision, we get into a car accident on the Alex Fraser Bridge. ICBC tells me that I can get treatment through chiropractor or massage therapy and they will pay for it.
I have been going to a chiropractor for the past 2 weeks, I feel on one hand that it's working, but I also feel that it's a little hokey....I am not sure it's not all just snake oil...
So, I am stretching, getting adjusted every couple of days and my back is feeling better, I haven't had a really bad headache for a while, but I have had a headache since January. Today, was no exception. I only take pain medications when I really can't handle the pain--which is about 2-3 out of 7 days a week.
So, snake oil sales or not, I continue to go to the chiropractor, I seem to have more mobility--which is a good thing....because tomorrow, I have been given permission to start exercising.
And it's flippin about time.
The interesting thing: It's right behind Starfish and Vivitro. Kent and I were on the balcony at Starfish a number of times when he would point out Latitude to me and tell me who worked there. I think he knows 5 people in the company.
I was called into work yesterday. I talked to my co-workers and there is a possibility of a part-time and full-time positions being posted in our department. I am hoping the posting happens soon.
I teased Max that he is the "bread winner" in the family.....tongue-in-cheek, because technically he's the only one in the family who is working full time right now!
So, we wait. We pray for direction, we pray for provision. We know that God is holding us up, in all the darkness there have been out-right moments of God's intervention this past number of months.
Provision, we get into a car accident on the Alex Fraser Bridge. ICBC tells me that I can get treatment through chiropractor or massage therapy and they will pay for it.
I have been going to a chiropractor for the past 2 weeks, I feel on one hand that it's working, but I also feel that it's a little hokey....I am not sure it's not all just snake oil...
So, I am stretching, getting adjusted every couple of days and my back is feeling better, I haven't had a really bad headache for a while, but I have had a headache since January. Today, was no exception. I only take pain medications when I really can't handle the pain--which is about 2-3 out of 7 days a week.
So, snake oil sales or not, I continue to go to the chiropractor, I seem to have more mobility--which is a good thing....because tomorrow, I have been given permission to start exercising.
And it's flippin about time.
Sunday, 9 December 2012
To cut or not....that is the question.
I am being a little sensitive. When something bothers me in life, it bothers me in my sleep...and I am now starting to dream about hair.
A while a go, I was dreaming in "Sister Wives" mode, now I am dreaming in hair.
A number of days ago, Kent casually said that I should go see his hair dresser. It got me thinking, and worrying about what my hair really looks like.
I had a dream that Kent and I had 2 couples staying with us for the weekend. They were older than us by a lot, I have no idea who they were.
In my dream we had a tractor in the front yard and the men started it and were fooling around on it. I remember thinking wow, that's immature. Then, we were in our kitchen when one of the men said, I hope you didn't pay for that hair cut! I was stunned. I said, no I didn't pay for it. He said, good thing!
Then, a day or two later Max said, "You have Grandma hair." -- ouch. I'd like to think I have Kim hair, but I tend to not really see what I look like.
So, this is what my hair really looks like right now:
A while a go, I was dreaming in "Sister Wives" mode, now I am dreaming in hair.
A number of days ago, Kent casually said that I should go see his hair dresser. It got me thinking, and worrying about what my hair really looks like.
I had a dream that Kent and I had 2 couples staying with us for the weekend. They were older than us by a lot, I have no idea who they were.
In my dream we had a tractor in the front yard and the men started it and were fooling around on it. I remember thinking wow, that's immature. Then, we were in our kitchen when one of the men said, I hope you didn't pay for that hair cut! I was stunned. I said, no I didn't pay for it. He said, good thing!
Then, a day or two later Max said, "You have Grandma hair." -- ouch. I'd like to think I have Kim hair, but I tend to not really see what I look like.
So, this is what my hair really looks like right now:
So, it's coming in arctic blonde and super curly. And I have no make up on. Generally I smooth out some of the hair, leave some curly, but this gives you a good idea. I have hair.
My fear is -- if I cut it the curl will be gone and may never come back AND that I will lose what I have so patiently waited for.
Hair.
Right now, it's really soft and I fear cutting it will make it more coarse than it feels right now....
To cut or not...that is the question.
Sunday, 2 December 2012
He has faith in me.
This blog is a couple days in writing. I have been processing my thoughts to put down in this blog post.
People thought that I was stone cold crazy for going to New York in March. I had committed to being the leader before we left Kelowna in August 2011. Cancer or no cancer, I was committed to going--as long as the Drs said it was ok and they did.
When Hurricane Sandy hit the East coast, I got an email from New York School of Urban Ministry asking for either donations or teams.
I knew that this would be out of the question....then again....
I got an email from Andy from Emmanuel, and the talks started.
I committed to going with the team that they were assembling in West Kelowna, as well as talking to Pastor Kevin at Colwood about putting together a team.
I knew that I could get the funds together if Kent was working, but with Kent not working it just seemed out of the question.
I told Andy and Ben that I was out. Finances were going to be a problem and I had no time to fund raise.
I went into the bathroom and wept. I talked to God about how much more was He going to allow for me to lose before this trial would be over. I was not reconciled with the idea of not going, in fact, I was sure I was supposed to go.
But how?
So, I prayed. I put a fleece out that if God was to have me go, the money would come in. Somehow, someway.
I posted a note on Facebook and 3.5 hours later, I had 2 responses. One will pay for my trip to New York, the other will pay for my trip from Victoria to Seattle and back.
Wham. There is the answer.
So, I went to Kent. He released me to go and I responded to the FB messages.
And I cried. I do that a lot. I couldn't believe it. In the midst of all that goes wrong it is as though He just dropped this into my life to say, I am still here. I am still listening.
Even as I write this, I am in awe of who He is and how He is speaking into my life--through the haze of self-doubt and anxiousness God is there. So, I am learning in a whole different way how to trust and have faith in a God who has so much faith in me.
I committed to going with the team that they were assembling in West Kelowna, as well as talking to Pastor Kevin at Colwood about putting together a team.
I knew that I could get the funds together if Kent was working, but with Kent not working it just seemed out of the question.
I told Andy and Ben that I was out. Finances were going to be a problem and I had no time to fund raise.
I went into the bathroom and wept. I talked to God about how much more was He going to allow for me to lose before this trial would be over. I was not reconciled with the idea of not going, in fact, I was sure I was supposed to go.
But how?
So, I prayed. I put a fleece out that if God was to have me go, the money would come in. Somehow, someway.
I posted a note on Facebook and 3.5 hours later, I had 2 responses. One will pay for my trip to New York, the other will pay for my trip from Victoria to Seattle and back.
Wham. There is the answer.
So, I went to Kent. He released me to go and I responded to the FB messages.
And I cried. I do that a lot. I couldn't believe it. In the midst of all that goes wrong it is as though He just dropped this into my life to say, I am still here. I am still listening.
Even as I write this, I am in awe of who He is and how He is speaking into my life--through the haze of self-doubt and anxiousness God is there. So, I am learning in a whole different way how to trust and have faith in a God who has so much faith in me.
Eagles.
Curse God and die.
I am not sure if its really a part of the Bible or not, but I heard it said that Job's wife when sick of Job's trials stated, curse God and die.
This week someone in my life actually asked me to renounce my faith. They said that it's too hard to watch me walking through this year. I can understand that, from a distance watching or reading my blog it's a lot of heartache, but never. I will never renounce my faith in God.
Last night I was relaxing after work and I closed my eyes....I laid back on my bed, drifting in and our of sleep, texting Melissa off and on, when the Isaiah 40:30, 31 came to my mind--I've added 29 as well:
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.
So, while I am thinking about majestic and strong Eagles, I kinda got stuck on that thought. Eagles. So, I went and did a little research and this is what I found. They aren't so majestic and amazing, they are rather terrible...
- Eagles are powerful fliers but rely on thermals convection currents to gain speed.
- They have a nasty habit of kleptoparasitism--which means that they wait for someone else to prepare food before they will come along and take it.
- They are shy
- They are not good for public display.
- They mate for life.
- The parents take turn hunting for food and taking care of the nest.
Sounds a little like me....
Then I read this: The molting process:
- They begin to lose their feathers.
- Their beak and claw alter as well.
- It will walk like a turkey--it has no strength to fly.
- They will molt in a valley.
- Calcium builds up in their beaks so they can't hold their heads up.
- They lose their desire to eat.
- Molting Eagles will peck at each other, occasionally killing another Eagle.
- At this time, they will choose some area of a mountain range and will sit in the sun.
- Other "older" Eagles will come and drop food for the molting Eagles. Eagles that have gone through the molting process already.
- The "older" Eagles will fly over head, screaming. Encouraging the molting birds.
- Some eat and recover, others will roll over and die.
Kent and I are choosing to eat and recover. After the last car accident I could feel this division between us, and I knew we were standing at a precipice of our relationship and our lives. Either we keep walking through Hell, or we give up.
After 33 years of being a Christian and 25 years of marriage all the "stuffs" we have had to go through, I can't see a reason to give up now.
We are definitely under a spiritual attack, we know it. We are praying through it. We will not, (Satan...are you reading? Are you listening?) We will not, give up.
So, we put one foot in front of the other. We proclaim our faith boldly. We stand side-by-side united in this fight.
So, today, I feel like crap. I am supposed to be meeting a friend for coffee and everything in my body is telling me to go home and go to bed....but Satan, she needs to hear about God and see Jesus and I may be the only Jesus she sees today, so (slow clap) nice try Satan...nice try.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)