Meltdown in Bastion Square

I heard this week, Friday actually that a friend of ours has just been diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer.

The Big C, strikes again.

I was slightly stunned on Friday afternoon.  Work was difficult, as long as I had something to focus on, I didn't fall apart, but when I was "in between" jobs, I had to swallow down a lump in my throat and choke back tears.

This should never have to happen to anyone.

My heart was breaking, I know what she is facing.

Today, Kent and I and our newest edition to the family, Dixin headed out to do somethings before he has to go to school on Monday (orientation).

We found ourselves downtown--we saw a band just outside Darcy's (Pub) and so, we made our way back there.

It was a father and his 3 kids.  They were really amazing.

It was when they started singing, Our House, by Crosby, Stills and Nash.  I know the song, but today, I heard the words:

I'll light the fire, you place the flowers

In the vase that you bought today

Staring at the fire for hours and hours

While I listen to you play your love songs

All night long for me, only for me

Come to me now and rest your head for just five minutes

Everything is good

Such a cozy room, the windows are illuminated

By the evening sunshine through them

Fiery gems for you, only for you

Our house is a very, very, very fine house

With two cats in the yard, life used to be so hard

Now everything is easy, 'cause of you

And then there were tears.  I was standing in a crowd, losing it.

I have been reflective lots this month, it's a significant time of our lives.  We are about to celebrate 25 years of marriage and a dream come true, a trip to Scotland and England.  A 1 year anniversary of the end of treatment and other than the "post" chemo and radiation problems, I am healthy.  Max is headed to school, Jamie and Josh have moved.  Erik is moving out.

There has been a lot to absorb and to deal with.

And I stood in Bastion Square thinking, everything is easy 'cause of you.

Kent. My Rock.

I am so thankful that I chose well for marriage.  Well, who are we kidding, My DAD chose well for me in marriage.

In that moment, in Bastion Square I was so thankful for the man standing beside me.  I had no words, just tears. Thankful tears.  I can rest my head, for 5 minutes, everything is good.

Our House 1974 Crosby Stills Nash

Push, Push, Push.

All I really know is push.  Keep going, I can do it, Rawr!

This week, my body just said no.

I ended up staying home from work on Monday, I was sick.  Really sick.

So, even thought I was home sick I was working on year end for 2011, because, quite frankly 2012 was a write off...

And, I was working on Christmas 2013.

Then I fell asleep for 3 hours...even when I was sick last year, I didn't nap in the day for 3 hours.

So I took this as a sign and put away what I was working on and took the day off.

On Friday when I left work, I wasn't feeling well, but not enough to book off sick.  There's that push again.  I cleaned the house and organized all day Saturday and Sunday.  Push, push.

When I left the office on Friday, I cleared my desk and asked for housekeeping to clean my desk.  I left Pippin's food on my desk, I am not sure why.

When I got into work today, this was on my desk:

If you can't see it, it says, "a little dry.  I prefer the candy dish."

When I started working at Research, I put a candy dish on my desk.  The main reason was selfish...and educational.

In order to learn my co-worker's names, I had them stop by my desk...to get candy.  And, I learned from Myrtle Bergman, how to be a great Secretary....keep the boss fed and watered....and candied.

I guess I should have left a message that the candy dish would be back...and not to eat the dog food.

I did it!

This will be a short post.

I have done it.

I can now touch my toes.

This journey has been long, trying to get my strength back, stamina and flexibility.

My stamina has been a long time coming....and I have been finding that since last year, I was feeling like a tight bound up ball of human.

I am so excited.  I don't know if I can fully put into words how amazing I am feeling right now.

Helllllo toes. 

EEEEeeeeeeee!

Like attracts like.

I was doing payroll this week and was gobsmacked when I got a timesheet from one of our new part-timers.  She was supposed to work 18.75 hrs/week, she handed me 46 hours for the week.  46 people.

I looked up at the Director and said, I just don't understand how you did this!  How did you find so many overachievers??

She smiled beautifully at me and said, "Like, attracts like."

Then I talked to the part-timer and it was keeping track of ALL her jobs, at UVic and VIHA.  I breathed a sigh of relief.  I mean, I can't justify OR afford to be paying a part-timer that many hours!

The "like attracts like" really again, stuck with me.  All day it sat on me.  I am one of the over achievers that was hired, most of the people I work with all have that work ethic.  Like attracted like.

Today, I spent the day cleaning, and cleaning and cleaning.  I was prepping salad for dinner tonight, when my phone rang.  Private Number.  I picked it up and it was Val, I had been expecting her call, but to hear her voice brought a lump to my throat.

Val and her daughter were in Victoria for the day and they wanted to spend it with me.  With. Me.

We laughed, talked, caught up, probably could have conquered all the worlds problems if given enough time...arranged for some girl time in Vancouver, then before I knew it--it was time to go. 

I got in the car and holding the memorial service notice for our beloved friend Vicki, I cried.  What great friendships that dragon boat had in it in 2007.  Who would've thought that years later--we'd be mourning the loss of one of our own, a devastating blow to a marriage, and a kinship brought about by how terrified we were to be in that dragon boat for the first time.

I have never, ever forgotten, the first night.  I was partnered with Vicki, in the 5th row.  Behind me, Michelle, behind Vicki, Val.  The four of us, (me being the newbie to the friendship circle), shared fear, nerves, candy and a love of dragon boating.

Today, my tears were over loss of a friend, but also, I have learned a very hard and valuable lesson.  I didn't spend enough time with those ladies and others in the Okanagan while I had the time.  I spent my time wrapped up in Youth Ministry, Work, Soccer games and practices, all important, but I had time that I could've nurtured a friendship and I didn't.

Lesson learned.

Val, I adore you and Michelle.. I am so thankful for you ladies.

<3

Funny how little things change....

I found this post on a friends wall.  I had tagged her in it, Febrauary 9, 2009 at 7.25 am.

It intrigues me that not a lot on this list has changed in 4 years, just the addition of Jonathan, I love to hear him laugh too, see #7.

Number 20 makes me remember that God is real and He hears the desires of our heart....

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

These facts are pretty random but I tried to tag people who don't know most of them already...

1) My super hero name is "Highly Organized Girl"

2) I make it sound like I lived in Prince George for a prison term....2 years, 1 month less a day. It was exactly that long.

3) I love dogs. Cats make good Chinese food I have heard....Socks! Blackberry! Come for dinner! :-)

4) I love my husband completely and totally, without reservation. He is my one for life.

5) Most of my best friends are guys.

6) I love sports. Watching or playing.

7) I love Max and Melissa's sense of humour. They can make me laugh until I cry.

8) I think hearing Kent belly laugh is the best sound on earth. He doesn't do it enough.

9) When I was in school I decided that I wanted to learn as many instruments as I could. I (used to) play the saxaphone, clarinet, I could do scales on the trumpet and flute, I still play the piano.

10) I secretly wish I could play drums for Audio Adrenaline...or any band for that matter.

11) I would like to learn how to play the guitar.

12) I would like to be in community theatre.

13) I would rather read a good book than do pretty much anything else.

14) I hate housework.

15) I fell in love for the first time at 17...he was dreamy.

16) I was born in the wrong century.

17) I drive way too fast. I would like to be a PPG driver.

18) I like to look high maintenance, but don't like putting in the effort. Thank God for good genes.

19) I love to play games, board games, card games, kick the can...anything. I guess I am a little kid inside.

20) My favourite place on earth is Victoria, and I like to get back as often as I can. 

21) My second favourite place is Nanoose Bay Pentecostal Camp. 

22) I don't necessarily like getting flowers.

23) I love movies.

24) I think Batman is real, I love Batman, I kissed his quad in New York City...it's a long story. I was a little star struck.

25) I have kissed (on the cheek) George Bush and Lawrence Fishburne.

I know I am dumb.

And this blog will prove it.

I had blogged a couple posts on my way home from our last trip to Kelowna...I was feeling all whirly inside, confused by some people's actions, sorry I didn't work with Andy and Ben anymore, missing the Lewke's, it was just a very, very confusing time.

Then, we pulled into a Shell station for gas.

I asked Kent if he wanted tea, because yes, we are that old.  He walked behind me into the gas station and I went to find tea.  He went to fill the car.  I took longer than him and he left.  Yes, he drove away without me.

He did it, because he thought that I had gone over to Tim Horton's.  I mean, why not, they have yummy steeped tea.

Meanwhile, back at the Shell station, I've walked out and he's gone.  Gone.

I looked here, I looked there.  I couldn't find him anywhere.

In a matter of minutes, this is what happened in my head, sorry if this is TMI--it's my blog and I always said I would be transparent....

He's gone.
I knew he'd leave sometime.
Eventually.
I wonder what I did that was the breaking point for him?
Tears.
Heart palpitations.
Check purse, I think I have enough in here for a bus ticket to the ferry.
I knew I'd eventually irritate him until he'd had enough.

Then, Kent arrives.  I get in the car, wiping my tears and my poor husband is beside himself and I was angry.

Why, is my go-to-emotion anger?  I am not sure.  When I married Kent I had 2 emotions.  Happy and Angry.  I have learned (thankful to a very patient Kent) that I have other emotions like frustration, irritation, joy, peace....

He asked me straight out why is it that -- that's where your head goes first?

And my answer is simple.  I am broken.  I am in need of a Saviour who has given me the best gift ever in Kent.  His patience is amazing.  My relationship with God teaches me that I am worth the hassle and Kent reinforces it to me everyday that he loves me.  He really loves me.

I had that weekend lots of Kent time, just not enough Jesus time.  I made good use of the rest of the trip, to fill myself with God stuffs, a good word, some good music...I felt better so fast.

And yes, I know I am dumb.

Shoes on a wire

We passed this in Tofino on the weekend and I had an almost an out of body experience, except not.

I'm not sure how this is going to look on the blog, but it's shoes on a wire.

I remember reading an article in the 1990s that shoes on a wire was an indication of where a "drive by shooting" had happened.  The drive-bys were becoming blase and gang members were realizing that police weren't showing up quickly so they would stop take off the shoes and huck them into the wires.  Thus, marking where a death occurred.

By the time I lead the first team to New York in 2002, it was a little common knowledge.  Then, like most things in our weird North American Society, it morphed. 

It then was a notification of a destination, it advertised that this is a place to buy crack.

Weird.

So, while walking through the "Tough City Skate Park" I caught a sight of shoes on a wire.

Then, it hit me.  How something can mean so much and have some meaning, even a memorial can turn into this.  A free-for-all.

It made me think about things that I hold dear to my heart.  Of course, my thoughts turned to the eternal.  Church, relationship with God.  Things that were precious, special, had meaning, memory or ear marked a place....that now, it doesn't mean anything but we all are doing the same thing now...You threw up your shoes on the wire, so will I!  You raise your hands at this time, in this song, so will I!  You give money to the church, so will I!

It could go on and on.

My heart turned immediately to youth.  Wednesday night Glow Youth to be precise.  I was thinking about the time when someone thought, hey, lets give the teens their own church time, they can have their own music, and whatever else is for their generation.  Not to say, hey don't come to church with us, but do your own thing.

Then a following happens.  I've seen people judge a church based on if they have a good youth program or not.  If you do, they hoist their shoes on the wire along side yours.  And it can become rote.  We do it this way because we've always done it this way.

So, my question is, is it effective?  Is it what the heart of the "inventor" of youth wanted?

I don't want to do it if it's just what has always been done.  I so long for and crave God to move.  

Walking through the park I thought of a song I haven't heard in a long time.  Come like you promised.  It would just be so easy to be in Your presence all the time....life would be so easy.  Why do we have to make things so complicated?

Come like you promised

Holy Mahoney

Holy Mahoney

Victoria is an amazing place for "little places to eat".  It seems they don't really like the "big box" type of food here.  I guess we are all a bunch of foodies.

A couple weeks ago we took a great couple for lunch after church.  Oh, and PS-I just want to say I called it, (that was for Jordan Schroeder).



We took them to a little and fun place called Floyd's.  They have unlimited soup, but what we took them there for was ... the Mahoney.

The idea of the Mahoney is, you tell the wait staff, I'd like breakfast or lunch and then you are at the mercy of the kitchen staff.  Then you can flip for it.  You pay double or nothing.  It could be $0.00 or it could be $28.00.  Last time we ate there, Kent and I had to pay $0.00.  Saweet....

I have learned to tell them that I don't like this and I like that.

So we order and NO ONE ordered the Mahoney.  So, I stepped up to the plate.  I said, I would like the Mahoney, no salsa but I love the hollandaise sauce.  So here is what they brought me:



That's right, a plate full of pan-fried hash browns and 8, count them 8 Eggs Benny.  8.  Can you say cardiac arrest plate?  I know I can...



With help, I conquered 3 of the Egg Bennys.....and then....I flipped for it.

And I lost.  At least the company was amazing!

Ahhhhhh Long Weekend

It amazes me.  I was sitting at my desk on Monday, unable to keep my eyes open and praying Friday would come in a hurry.  I needed a weekend, even though I just had one!

And now it's Thursday night, I made it through another week, heaven only knows how, and I should be packing but instead I am on here catching up.

Tomorrow we head out to Tofino.  I can't wait to see the beach, to walk the beach, to chill and read a book.

Kent and I haven't had any time off to speak of for almost 3 years, except for the odd long weekend.  I am getting pretty tired.

After this weekend our next break is coming in October with a trip to England and Scotland.  The beginnings of plans are in place.

The best part of this?

We have people in the house to care for Pippin, Blackberry and Socks.  I don't have to worry about the house, Max is here and becoming a great mature young man.

We are in no hurry.  We can take 3 hours to get to Tofino, or 7.  It doesn't matter.

And I get time with Kent.  All to myself.

I can feel the stress and hurry of life melting off me.  I can't wait to be on MacKenzie Beach.

 MacKenzie Beach, October 2010

It's been said you can't go home

Written on the way home from Kelowna, July 20, 2013

They say you can’t go home.

And I am starting to believe it’s true.

We just got into the car to head back to the Island and I asked, what was your favourite part of this weekend?

• Meeting up with friends.
• Visiting with family.
• Swimming in the lake.

When we arrived in Kelowna we brought a “drug rep” lunch to the office where I used to work. Thanks to Nancy who booked us in and kept the secret that it was Kent and I we got away with it.

We had a great visit with our friends Bernie and Elsie—dear people that I never ever want to lose touch with.

I went then to Starbucks to “study” GCP Training that I have to accomplish. I did about 15 minutes of it and was joined by Kim. As I write this, I am overwhelmed with emotion. I miss Kim and her hubby Chris tons. I am so proud to say that I know them and I am so thankful they are a part of our lives.

After a short time, Alena, another friend joined us for coffee, we had a really great catch up session, when Kent arrived and I had to get going.

Kent had left the rep lunch to go to Jupiter and AEM in Kelowna, where he has long time friends and former co-workers. There may be collaborations in the works—that could benefit Jupiter, AEM and Latitute Techonologies.

We left from there and went to Penticton and stayed with my Mom and Dad in their new little place. I can understand why they don’t want to move. They have waterfront Okanagan property. It’s amazing.

The following day we went to the private beach on their 55+ gated community.

Mom let me borrow a Moo-Moo for the occasion. It’s pretty sweet...

We left from my parents and carpooled with Norm and Pam Hanson on the way out to Britt and Tim’s wedding in Vernon.

As Alexis was walking up the aisle, the song lyrics,”You are beautiful beyond description” came to my mind. She is a very precious woman that I will always adore. Someday, when I grow up, I’d like to be just. like. her.

It was so good to see so many familiar faces, but I have to say, for the first time since we moved, some people made us feel like we were visiting. I don’t know how to say that except to sound negative.

I was brushed off by people more than once. Whatever. I guess stress will do that to a person.

I went and found the fun table, with Teresa and Ben, Nikki and Brenda. We were shortly joined by Amy-Jo and Mike and “the intern’ Kyle.

And I met my new BFFL. Kyle. It’s like we were separated at birth….except he is WAY younger than me….like we share a brain…I realized in that moment that this has happened to me before, where there is an instant connection to someone, it’s a God thing. It made me realized that those that I try so *hard* to make a friendship with – you gotta wonder what is going on!

Some of my favourite times of being away this weekend was:

lunching with the Lewke’s

coffee with Kim

finding a short bus friend in Kyle,

catching up with Brenda, Teresa, Ben and Nikki….

just sitting with Ashley….and getting to hug Lexi.

And my list could go on and on. And on and on.

Who says you can’t go home? They obviously don’t know my friends.

Oh, and PS - getting to the ferry terminal and knowing I am 2 hours away from my home.