Today, I can't even.

I literally can't even.

Yesterday I got a call from a person who has been through breast cancer treatment and was really trying to be supportive, but then told me about a family member who is now dying of cancer.

Did I mention I can't even?

I have been really positive through this, I've let things roll off my back, but today, I've reached a breaking point.

In my conversation with my friend we talked about post-treatment life.  It's not easy every time you feel something your thoughts go straight to ... it must be cancer.

Now, I'm not paranoid, but this is exactly like how we think--those of us who are post treatment.

Today, while at work, I started feeling off.  Not terrible, but just off.  And then it hits me,

I have a swollen lymph node in my neck.  In. My. Fricken. Neck.

It's on the left side where breast cancer was found.  It's on the left side where the lymph nodes have been painful in my armpit--and the whirling begins.

Ugh!  This treatment can't start soon enough.  Today, I'm stressed beyond my limit.  Yesterday, I was nearly in tears at work (during a meeting--excellently done, very professional....)

Tonight as I write this I can feel it, but I can't palpate it.

Is it in my head?  Absolutely.  Is it really a swollen lymph due to breast cancer?  Doubtful.  But that's exactly where my head goes.

This is going to be hard, but I have to get my mind back on track, take and Advil and go to bed early.  It's probably nothing more than a cold.

“Some days there won’t be a song in your heart. Sing anyway.”

– Emory Austin