Happy Birthday to Kent

Yesterday was Kent's 47th birthday and in an attempt to have some "normal" in our lives we decided over a month ago that we should have some people over for a BBQ.

I put out the message to a handful of people, including some of Kent's co-workers from Vivitro Labs and we set to making the plan.

I cooked  and baked for days and at 4 pm, I was *SO* ready for people to arrive I sat down for the first time all day.

At 4:30 I got up to get the corn on the cob started and put out the salads and get the last minute things done.

At 4.45 Kent comes in and says, I broke the BBQ.  I need to get to Canadian Tire to get a part.

Stress causes me to have chest pain and I shake.  It's a new thing since the chemo started.  So, honestly for the first time since we started prepping -- I got chest pain.

One of the best parts of being in Victoria, people don't arrive RIGHT on time.  They mingle in, which is a blessing when the BBQ is torn apart across the deck.

Sigh.

Kent got it back together and it worked beautifully for the rest of the night.

I had a number of people comment that they would have thought I would've had his party catered. I could never do that...

It was a good night, full of a lot of laughter, we have really been included in some really great people's lives.

The past couple of days I have been feeling pretty melancholy about July 4th, its the start of my next round of chemotherapy.  I have a pretty bad attitude about it.  I just don't want to do this again.  I am done with this, tired of this.  I really want my life back.

Last night I dreamed that I was on some sort of youth outing, there were buses all over the place and I got a chance to wave at the EC bus -- I saw Shelby, Kirsten, Lexi and Ashley and we were making faces at each other and laughing.

Then our bus decided to stop somewhere for dinner and I went to find some coffee with a dark-haired youth leader that I was attending the event with.  I was finding that the lot of the youth leaders were being cliquey and not hanging out with the teens, I was feeling very frustrated.  I walked out from the coffee shop, around a bunch of buses, feeling sorry for myself, tearful when all of a sudden someone runs up and wraps her arm around me.

Pammie.  It was Pam Hanson.  I was so overcome with happiness and relief I burst into tears.

I woke immediately -- sure that I was just anxious about tomorrow and possibly today.

I need to leave in a few minutes to go to a Drs appointment at the BC Cancer Agency and do lab work to set up for tomorrow.  The Drs appointment is to go over how the last round went.  I can't wait to talk to them about it all.  It was not a fun month.

That's just the left leg!

Please.

You know if you are a Mom at some point in time, you've had this moment.  I just didn't expect to have that moment when my kids were 18 and 20.

The last time it happened, I believe Melissa was about 2, Max was about 6 months old.  I was stranded in Glenrosa at our new home--we were renovating.  My neighbour--who had a 1 year old was bored.  She decided to take 3 shifts at her job--she came tearing over the fence to ask if I'd babysit so she could get out of the house.

How could I resist her?  We were both pretty bored to death, it was 3 shifts, it would make her sane, make a little bit of money and make me completely insane.

So, I agreed, and the following morning, she dropped off the baby and went off to her 8 hour shift.

Oh, I had NO idea what I had just done.  3 babies under the age of 2.  What was I thinking?

By the time the week was over, she had worked 5 shifts.  I agreed to do it, because we were sharing her wage!

At the end of the week the statement happened.  It's one of those moments where a husband has no idea what he has just said, it just comes out.  "Do you realize your clothes are dirty?"

I remember looking down, feeling overwhelmed, but I had made it through the week.  The family was content, more or less, dinner had appeared on the table all week, I had maintained the house, the groceries--but I had not maintained myself.

It's a little of a pattern that would occur over and over again in my life.

Today, it happened again.  I was very tired, looking forward to Kent visiting me at lunch, I have to admit I was pretty grumpy when he said, "You have mustard on your pants."  I actually smiled, I wasn't upset, it just struck me as a funny moment because...that was just the left leg.  The right leg pant had something all together different on it...from a couple days ago, and now it's unrecognizable....

Yes, people I have let myself go.

I had run out of clothes, I am no clothes horse, I have a VERY limited wardrobe and the laundry hamper was full!

The goal for the week was to maintain feeding the family, maintain food in the fridge, (there are 5 adults living here, so grocery shopping can happen every 2 days...), maintain the house, dogs, and something that resembled normal.

Laundry wasn't even on my list.

Hopefully laundry happens tomorrow, or it will be Pajama Day at the Horie's.