Overwhelmed.

I started my day today with someone commenting that my posts on facebook weren't as "spiritual" as of late, that they were hoping that I was not starting to walk this out on my own strength.

I'm not.  In fact, my first post today was what I had been wrestling with since yesterday.  A song by one of my favourite artists, Shaun Groves called Welcome Home.

Shaun Groves - Welcome Home

It starts, "Take me, make me all you want me to be, it's all I'm asking, all I'm asking."  I am in the process of being made in Christ's likeness, in everyway, in everday, I am striving to be more Jesus-like.  It's not easy, there are days that are harder.  Like the days when I let my guard down even the most slightly, gives ground to Satan to work in me.  Sometimes, I just want a day off--but it's just not worth it.  I know it very well.

So, Lord, come inside this heart of mine, its not my own, make it home, welcome home.

That conversation lead me to a thought.  How thankful I am that people are willing to say, hey, how are you?  Those who are willing to ask the hard questions, take the tough answers.  To help me prune myself so that I become more like God, little by little.

Which lead me to another thought--and I found myself at a complete loss.  It began the day that would be earmarked by the amount of tears I shed......

I have a friend who, as he is aging is becoming more and more bitter.  I was driving in my car to my first Doctor's appointment of the day and I was overcome -- praying for him.

Kent said that he feels that if someone can talk to him and have him listen -- it would be me.  I am not sure about that but I am willing to do whatever it takes for him to see how stiff-necked and fearful he has become.

Again, I was thankful for maintaining my moldability.  If that is a word.  Thankfully I am not becoming moldy as I age.  I was just sorrowful for how narrow his life is becoming as he is cutting out this and that in an all out effort to avoid God--which is going to turn into severing relationships--without him ever knowing.

As I went into the Doctors office, I had a quick call with my parents and then cried a little.  I can tell you the skin under my eyes is raw from tears today.

I saw my Family Doctor today, got an injection--and asked about my Bone Marrow Biopsy (BMB) results.  I knew that I had asked too much already, and told her I was willing to make another appointment.  She said not to worry--she wanted to go over it with me--she was concerned about it.

Ugh.

It turns out that I don't have ANY CANCER in my bone marrow, not even the beginning stages of cancer!  Nothing!

I giggled.

She said, I know you like to laugh at these things, but this is serious, you have some serious questions to be asking.

I explained to her that the Medical Oncologist had said that I will need to do 4 rounds of chemotherapy, regardless of the outcome of the BMB (and Pet Scan) unless it comes back positive.    If it comes back positive I could be adding 2-4 rounds of chemotherapy.

Did you happen to catch  what I said, THERE WAS NO CANCER FOUND.

I can't tell you how I was feeling when I left the office, I have adopted the routine of diffusing and walking off my Doctors appointments.

Today, I chose to go to Clover Point and walk the dog park with Pippin.

As I walked the sidewalk up out of Clover Point, I was just overwhelmed.  I started to cry.  I am so thankful--so overwhelmed with gratefulness.

I know that this cancer is not just mine--but rather its my family's, it's much church's it's God's--to use for His honour and His glory.

I walked 4 km--in the sunshine with the warm wind on my face.  Just spending time praising God for his goodness and His answer to so many peoples prayer.

Next up was the Heart Function test at Victoria General Hospital.  Not a problem.  I watched as my heart beats registered on the screen, praying with each beat that I will be used to glorify God in a continued way.

At home, I called a couple people to let them know what was up, and there were tears.  Again.  In the beginning of all this, I prayed over and over again that God would see to let this pass from me.  He could instantaneously heal me--but now as I have been walking this through I am coming more and more to the conclusion that I wouldn't want it any other way.  I am grateful and honoured that God has given this trial to me, it is birthing and growing things in me that I didn't know I had.  God knew--He wanted to prove it to me.

The overwhelmed statement isn't a negative.  In fact, while walking out of Clover Point--I was overwhelmed with God's faithfulness, His goodness.

Do not be anxious for anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  Phil 4:6