A little compassion, part II

Censorship.  I am not for it.  Censor the blog, keep a friend.  Censor the blog, keep a friend.  Censor the blog, keep a friend.  It's been going through my head all day.

2 months ago, when I was just starting most of this journey, my Sister Lanette and I were together, I think we had just left chemotherapy classes.  We happened to be talking about God stuff--which we do a lot. I am not bragging, it's just where we go.

We were talking about a sermon she had heard about what if we prayed for people.  Like people we ran into in the store, the drive through, the grocery store.  What if we were THAT bold?

We happened to be in a McDonald's drive through at the time.

Her words really broke me.

That conversation has had me "on" since then.  I have had my eyes opened and my ears picqued.

I read a thread on facebook and I know I was in a terrible state yesterday, I've spent most of yesterday and this morning in tears.

It had nothing to do with poor customer service.  It had nothing to do with my friend not getting an order.

It was the thread.

For two main reasons:

1.  It had the "church" fighting against itself.

I have taught teens for years that we can be the ones to do Satan's work.  Without realizing it, we can give foothold, or be a instrument for his destruction.  All of us do it, I am not pointing fingers, I knowingly have done it myself.

This blog is not meant to be that instrument.

We are meant to be Jesus' hands and feet.  How much better would that world look if we walked it out like Lanette (my Sister) described?  I don't know.  I am not even sure I have the guts to do it myself.  I would never point fingers.  I just look longingly to something I just don't have, or in fact, WE don't have.

2.  I understand the girl.

I understand thinking if I screw up once more I'll get fired.  Maybe her baby daddy rejected her?  Maybe she didn't sleep because the baby was sitting on a rib all night?  Who knows the world of hurt behind her eyes.

I have in the past 2 months been in a number of situations where if I weren't more self controlled, I would have snapped the head off of someone.  (I know that I have shocked people here...yes, I have a temper...a bad one.  I have spent years developing a healthy dose of self-control.)  I have left several establishments in tears, Doctors offices, the BC Cancer Agency, the wig place at BCCA, poor customer service to blame.

I never meant for my previous post to cause trauma or for anyone to suffer from it.  I just wish I could walk in the compassion of Christ, the way He intended.  I wish that I had the guts to walk out a life that would exemplify Christ--everywhere.  Not just where it's convenient, comfortable or socially acceptable.

So, some compassion for a friend, an amendment.  Something I swore I would never do.

A little compassion please.

I am standing in a line of of a coffee house in New York City.  Nothing seems odd, except I am feeling really awful.

I look at the coffee and know that is not what I want.  I order something that think will calm my stomach, when I hear from beside me, don't. do. it.  It's my little Shelby Dean and she is giving me a knowing look.

I ask to see what it is I have ordered, by the time I look back, Shelby and Kirsten are beside me and they were dang right.  This would'be been a big mistake.

I look over my shoulder and see Pam Hanson, sitting in my West Kelowna Starbuck's location (which no longer exists) holding me a bowl of plain oatmeal.

That's what I want.

I wake, I have wanted oatmeal since 3.30 am.  It's been another long night.

I went to bed last night pretty upset about a facebook thread.  I wasn't going to blog about it, but here it is.  It's my blog after all.

A friend went for a morning coffee.

A large was ordered--the order was confused.  When the order was corrected it was felt the pregnant drive in front line customer service representative was rude.  Where he then posted on FB.

As the day wore on, the conversation went as you'd think, there is never a time when you can be rude to a customer etc...when this was posted by a friend:

Where was the compassion of Christ, the grace or the mercy?

I was writing a response, nearly in tears.  Then, the tears just came.

How different would that have all been if my friend had said, hey, you ok?  Can I pray for you?  What specifically can I pray for you for?  Back pain?  Foot pain?  A different job so you can sit?

You see I get it.

I had a terrible day yesterday, in fact, I had to call the cancer agency for help, Kent had to pick up more medications and in the middle of his afternoon drop it off at the house.  I know that it completely interrupted his day.

How much better would it be if WE who call ourselves the CHURCH did what Jesus said, rather than just hear it?  (James 1:22)

I would've given my teeth yesterday if a casserole had shown up at my door--but we live here now and I found out last night that a friend and board member of the church didn't even know I was sick.

I've told people, believe me.

So, back to the lady at McDonald's, who maybe can't tell anyone what it is that is hurting.  Shouldn't we always have our radar up?

Please don't make people go bald before we are moved to compassion.

Gasp!

I am standing in my kitchen, there are far too many people in here.  The oddest thing is how many children are here.  I thought I was almost done having kids in my house!

When all of a sudden I realize, someone is leaving their silverware in my drawer....I stop her and say, no you don't, take your silverware home.  I hate going through sorting out what is mine and yours.

Then, I realize, they are taking my bowls too, my nice serving bowls!  So, I stop them again!  Ladies put down your bowls!  Those are mine!

I take out a black marker and start marking my initials on my bowls....and I hear it.

"You aren't being kind,"  says one.

"You aren't being hospitable,"  says another.

"You aren't sharing," says the last.

"We're just tying to help,"  Christine says.

I am staring into the eyes of the Sister Wives.

I wake to a start, it's 9 am.  I haven't slept until 9 am since all this nonsense started!

I had a wonderful sleep last night, I was up every 2 hours, but I would drink and go back to bed falling back to sleep right away, then up again.

I am not being sarcastic when I say this.  It was a wonderful sleep, just not a great way to wake up. 

I am not sharing anything, cutlery, bowls or Kent!

Stupid Chemo Fog.

For months, I have been salivating over this recipe, I love recipes.  It's a Kale, Wheat germ berry and Cranberry Salad.  Finally this week, I decided to go for it.

Now, most food tastes like metal, nothing really has flavour, so anticipating food is odd right now.

So, I go to the Lifestyle Market and I find the Wheat germ berries which is not easy then I decide to find the Kale, which proved easier.

I make the salad today, literally it has taken me all day, embarassing, but true.

When I start chopping the "Kale" it smells quite specifically like "Cilantro".

Grrr.

Not. Impressed.

I had a bite, spit it out.  Ate a tiny bit of lasagna, but not enough for a person to live off off.  I decided, I would eat a bit of orange but metallic orange, not so much fun, so over dinner, I kept passing my food to Kent.

Grrrr.

Not. Impressed.

I will be hungry before bed, which isn't a fun state.  Right now, I can't input enough fluid, I am super tired, I am in quite a state.

In a moment of weakness today, I texted my Sister Lanette, I was feeling really low.  I had lunch with Melissa on a little bit of whim, which turned out to be really lovely and super well worth the effort.  I also went by Kent's office--he encouraged me, prayed for me and let me go.

As I was driving home, I was encouraged by the words of Leeland:

At the stars in the night, I wonder

At Your lightning in the sky, I shudder

Your glory is a blanket that covers

Every living thing

I’m in awe at the majesty of who You are

Your love is a seal burnt inside my heart

All of the day I want to be where You are

Holy Father

And it feels like there’s not enough praise inside of me

With all these words, all my heart can sing is holy

You are holy

Jesus Christ

You bled Your love, laid down Yourself

And gave me life

In naked shame You hung and You were lifted high

Here I lay in awe and wonder

I am afraid

For no one’s ever sacrificed and loved me this way

So on my face I fall under Your heavy grace

Here I lay in awe and wonder

And I wonder

I’m in awe at the majesty of who You are

Your love is a seal burnt inside my heart

All of the day I want to be where You are

Holy Father

And it feels like there’s not enough praise inside of me

With all these words, all my heart can sing is holy

You are holy

I am learning so much in this process, I went home had a nap.  It's so hard to go from boundless energy to absolutely none.

What do you mean you have a GRAD date??

I am so over done today.  Today was the Spectrum Grad Extravaganza.  I have to say, that Mt. Boucherie could learn a thing or two from Spectrum.

The Grad ceremony, is followed by the dinner and dance, which is followed by the dry grad.  Boom. Done.  All in one night.  The ceremony was a whopping 2 hours long.  Not the 4+ hours of Mt. Boucherie-madness. If I were sitting in Mt. Boucherie's Grad tonight, I wouldn't have stayed.

We found Max in the group really easily--mostly because Kent found him.  We whistled and yelled as he crossed the stage, making him smile.

It's amazing to me how fast this all goes by.  18 years in a blink.  I don't look at him like, "oh my baby is all grown up"  I realize that some people have those moments of teary-eyed-ness and oh my baby!  I don't.  I look at him with such admiration for who he is and who he is becoming.  He is a great man, has great values, he loves his family, he cares for us.

We started our afternoon with pictures at his friends house, we met parents, we met his friends.  They are really quality people.

I then took Kent back to work, home to organize more wedding stuff, then off to get Melissa from work, gather Kent from work and MOVE through the city to get to the University on time.  We were late, but at least we got in the doors.  There were threats of "if you're late, too bad."  I was completely stressed by the time we got there.

Settled in my seat, it was like a flood, I couldn't keep my eyes open, my chest pain and back pain had kicked into full throttle.  The lighting was bugging me, my wig felt like it was moving...ugh.

As the ceremony wound on, I was able to relax and enjoy all of the dresses, the hair, the speakers, the valedictorians, were amazing.  I have been to more grads than I care to confess, Spectrum's valedictorians rocked.  Seriously.

Before we left we took a picture with Max, later we found him surrounded by 5 girls.  Including his date.  Yes, 20 minutes before we had to leave for pictures he tells me, he has a date.  More stress.  What about a corsage???  Ugh.  As it turned out, he didn't need one for her.

Tomorrow, I do nothing.  OK, I'll post grad pictures.  For now, I am off to bed.  My whopping 4 hours of off-and-on sleep last night hasn't been so good for my demeanor today.  And a heartfelt sorry to my family....I haven't been so nice the past number of days.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.  Charles Dickens English Novelist 1812-1870


One of my most favourite books.  Ever.


I was in Grade 11 with my best friend Dee.  She had convinced me to take Advanced English.  I was staring at the cover of the book, A Tale of Two Cities, most daunting of things.  I didn't think I could do it, She thought I could.


It was the beginning of a wonderful journey.  She really showed me -- that I had what it took, but I lacked the confidence.  Over the years, I've learned daily, that I could.  That I have what it takes.


Today was one of those days.  I was feeling overwhelmed, I felt like I got hit by a truck, all day wishing I could just be in bed.  I couldn't I had an appointment with my Medical Oncologist, who surprisingly is like hanging out with Dee.  She calms me and speaks so much like Dee I feel myself relaxing in front of her....like my strain is melting.


So this is what she said:


My Pet Scan confirmed the cancer in my leg, but that after one month of treatment, the 3 lymph nodes that are affected are 1/2 the size they were.  Dr. Fitzgerald believes my treatment is going well.  She will send me for another Pet Scan in the end of June -- she is expecting it to come back "cold" which will be followed by one more round of chemotherapy then I will be on a recall every 3-4 months.


If the Pet Scan comes back "hot" I will do another round of chemotherapy followed by radiation.  She doesn't feel that this will be the case.


The Pet Scan did find a hot spot in my thyroid.  She stated that now that its been found it needs to be followed, but she didn't feel it was a problem.  My thyroid ultrasound showed that there was a nodule there, but it was smaller than 1 cm, over 1 cm they would've done a biopsy.  They feel that it's just a incidental thing, that they will follow it closely.


I am not concerned about that.


We discussed the post-prednisone crash that I had, and we decided to wean me off the medications.  I was a little concerned about the 'wean' as I have heard that it can happen over 2 weeks.  I didn't like that idea at all.  So it will be 3 days, followed by a less severe crash.


The only other thing we changed was the medication that is making my hands and feet numb.  Dr. Fitzgerald has decided to back that medication off by half.


To feel my hands and feet -- amazing.


Kent is now home, puttering in the kitchen making dinner.  Max is somewhere in the house--Melissa is just finishing off her shift at Murchie's.  Life is good, despite my nausea and fatigue, I can honestly say, it's all good.


It is the best of times.

Chemo Round 2

One of the hardest parts of this journey is the highs and the lows.  It hits me like a bolt of lightning.  Some days, (no offense intended) I feel a little bipolar.

I had a little cry last night.  Kent was stroking my mostly bald head (I love people playing with my hair), and it kind of hit me.  I didn't want to face today but I am Kim and I am going to continue to face trials head on.

I was up this morning, off to the hospital with Melissa, not happy to be there, but resolved that I had to do this.  We got stamps for her wedding invites, coffee from Starbucks and a sandwich from Safeway.  As we walked to the hospital -- I was feeling more buoyed.  I know that people were praying for me.

I took my seat, I got an amazing nurse named Barb--she was really good at her job, super personal.  She got the IV on the first try....super unusual for my experience in the chemo room.

We settled in for what could be a 4-6 hour day.

Shortly after we arrived a man sat across from me.  We were most likely 3 feet apart.  Patient confidentiality is NON existent in that room.  I heard he had a rash from something, they had written his orders in a very messy way, his nurse (not Barb) started his IV, he did well, then she started his medications.

Then it happened.

He fainted or had a seizure.  I honestly thought we watched him die.  The nurse didn't handle the situation well, yelling for her co-workers.  I was thinking...lay him down.  Lay Him Down.  LAY HIM DOWN!!!

Finally, probably 15 seconds he was laid flat, oxygen on at 6L, and the head nurse was rubbing her knuckles into his chest; hard.  I was cringing, I had my hands over my mouth when it hit me.  Everyone can see me, no one can see him.  They know something is up--by my reaction.

I took my hands down and started to pray.  It took 3.5 hours for him to recover--then they started his chemo.

The GP Oncologist and another Medical Oncologist showed up and the nurse said, all I did was start the IV, but I heard her say to the head nurse that she stopped the medication immediately after his reaction.  I think it was said for our benefit, the patient's benefit.

Hours after that the littlest, oldest lady came in, if I didn't know better I would think she was in her 90s.  She looked around and says, "Everyone has a pole.  We should be pole dancing."  Melissa and I start laughing...and I got a glimpse of my future self.

I will still be laughing until 90.

HM 2012

I have no idea what Wednesday will bring--I have an appointment with the Medical Oncologist to go over the PET Scan and my Thyroid Ultrasound.  Ok, enough worrying for tomorrow and Wednesday.  It will take care of itself.

Kent and I were in Abbotsford on the weekend--helping out with the Colwood Pentecostal Church Youth.  I have to give a shout out to Robbie Penny.  He trusted us to come along side of his already established youth leaders and parents of youth.  I have to say that I have worked with some pretty amazing youth pastors -- Robbie is right up there.  He has a quiet, confident strength, not a hyped up over the top personality.  He is great.  AND his wife is amazing, loving and kind.

I hope to help more in the future, the teens of Colwood Church are pretty amazing and very welcoming.  Kent and I felt really loved on.

So, my "Top Ten" Moments of the weekend, in no particular order:

1.  Eric Samuel Timm.  We met him in 2006 at CreationFest Northwest.  We ALL fell in love with him and his wife.  They are pretty amazing people, but we didn't hear him as a speaker, he was there as an artist.  We left with 2 of his paintings ordered.

He challenged me in such a great way.  I know that I have been changed this weekend.  I am forever grateful that Robbie allowed me to go and that I got to hear Eric.

2.  Friday night.  Seeing out Emmanuel Kids and Leadership.  Lots of tears and hugs.  I miss our Emmanuel family--nothing can replace them.

3.  Andrew Marcus--Break out speaker and friend.  He was a youth leader "back in the day" at Emmanuel and Kent and I have watched from the sidelines as he has travelled around and built his musical career.  If you can vote for him he is currently in a competition on Praise 106.5 Click here to listen and vote:

http://www.praise1065.com/week4.php?articleID=1299

4.  Colwood Pentecostal Youth.  Great youth, great hearts, lots of love, great youth leaders.  I just can't say enough.

5.  Destiny and her naked old guy.  Enough said.

6.  Marissa.  Such strength under pressure.  Such a lovely heart, graciousness--I have so much to learn from her.

7.  Zeke.  (and Timmy)  Zeke got into a fist fight with a guy that was seriously 3x his size.  I think Zeke weighs 80 lbs....During Eric Samuel Timm's first message about reconciliation, Zeke bounds to his feet and starts looking for the dude -- I was so impressed with his desire to do what was right.

8.   Watching Kent.  He is such a strong but generally silent, background youth leader.  Seeing him this weekend with the youngest and probably most hyper of youth--he absolutely rose to the occasion.  Boarding the ferry to come home Timmy and Zeke asked if they could come in the car with Kent.  They LOVED Kent.  It was precious to watch.  They wanted us to put on the newest Leeland CD, blast it, roll down the windows on the car.  So, we did.  Then, they wanted Kent and Max to go with them to the Sunroom on the ferry--then, they came back to the car to hug us all goodbye.  It was precious, sweet and reminds us why we do this.  Not to parent, but to co-parent with people.  These boys obviously needed a father figure, and Kent was amazingly patient, loving and firm and they fell in love with Kent.  The Great Awakening by Leeland

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFrDtyDz3BA

9.  It happened twice in one day.  A hug from Max.  Out of the blue, he saw me and put his arm around me and loved me.  I was so filled with love for him.

10.  Leeland.  Nothing more to say.  They are the best.

Tomorrow Melissa and I are off to start round 2 of chemo.  So looking forward to that.  (not.)

Feeling a little Sigourney today

I am having a day that looks and feels like this:

The medical system can make you feel like this...(Can I get an amen--Andy E??)

A letter arrived for me about 2 weeks ago stating that I was booked for a thyroid ultrasound for May 18th at 7.50 am.

Now, that didn't fit into my schedule.

I already had an appointment at the hospital at 2.30 pm, and running back and forth from Royal Jubilee as fun as it sounds, was not what I wanted to do.

I called, they wouldn't reschedule due to my excuse.  The medical oncologist had ordered it, you need to be there.

Whatever.

So, I rearrange my appointment with the Oncologist as best as I could--to 1 pm.

Victory--however small was mine!

Today I am early for my ultrasound appointment and as I am checking in I ask, why?  Now for those of you who know me well, I *NEED* to know why.

The clerk states she doesn't know.

I state: look at the history--it will say why.

She says, Oh, its been ordered because of your PET scan.

Whoooooooooooosh!

All the helium is deflated from my balloon...and I didn't even get to enjoy playing with the helium.

So, as I lay on the bed and the ultrasound starts, I ask, can I watch?  (Another, if you know Kim'ism...I need to see what you are doing to me.)

The tech flatly says, No.

So I squirm until I see the screen as she is measuring what looks eerily similar to Fred.

My first thought.  What am I going to name it?

I don't get my Pet Scan results until Wednesday.  I do get to see a GP Oncologist today at 1.  I may be pressing for some answers.

That's why I am feeling like Sigurney Weaver.  I just feel like I have no answers.  I am being told where to go, what I have to do, but I don't know WHY?!

It's just like being back at the beginning of all this, no information--makes me cranky.

On a totally different side note:  Kent and I are headed (with Max) to HM 2012 in Abbotsford.  It's bouying me today.  I get to hang out with the Colwood crew and get to know them.  AND I get to love on my kids from Kelowna.

I can't wait.

The alien is going to have to wait a bit -- I will deal with him Tuesday--for Round 2 of Chemo.

I don't need hair to be beautiful

Hair loss is annoying.  I find hair everywhere.  Literally.

Last night while I was making dinner I saw it on my shoulders, on the counter top and decided it had to go.

So, with my trusty hubster by my side, we set to cut the hair as close to my scalp as possible.  We did a fine job.  There are "patches" missing here and there--but I find it amazing how much hair is still there to fall out.

Once the hair was removed I put on my wig and walked out to show my family.  They were quite shocked to see how much I looked like myself.  And I can't see wearing it tons, not yet anyway...I have made a hair appointment--the bangs are too long and will become quite frustrating.

I have become accustomed to wearing hats--I have several now in my arsenal, a fancy hat, a doorag, a knitted toque, and a buff.

Today while visiting with a friend she told me I could take off my toque--which I did, it was getting itchy.  The wind came up and felt just so good on my head.

I picked up Melissa and Janelle from Fort Rodd Hill and with the windows down I exclaimed, "that feels so good, the wind in my hair!"

Laughter.  Peels of laughter.

I do still have some hair--it is continually falling out, but I am finding the good in this too.  I don't need hair to be beautiful.

Mother's Day

Mother’s Day.

I know I just posted yesterday that I don’t think, I just type, but today’s post started a while ago—in anticipation for Mother’s Day.

See, God in His providence, in His infinite knowledge decided that I would need 2 Mothers.

The first, I u unaffectionally call the egg donor.  She got that name a number of years ago, while I was at work, talking with Elsie Lewke.  She coined the phrase egg donor.  It actually sounds harsh, it’s not meant to, but quite literally, my biological mother is exactly that.

Enough about her.

In 1982, at the ripe age of 13.5, my biological parents placed a phone call, asking for my Aunt and Uncle to take me.  I had no idea that this phone call had taken place.  Once the phone call was done, it couldn’t be un-done.  The answer was no, they didn’t want to take me.

My egg-donor told me I was no longer welcome in the home and in a sit down style meeting she told me where I was going to go.  I had 3 choices:

1. An all-girl Catholic School on the North Shore of Vancouver.  I would have to work for my tuition and so I would work all holidays, professional days and long weekends, I would not be permitted home.
2. Foster care.  This option, although more appealing than the first, scared me to death.  My brother had been in foster care and the boys never treated the girls very well.
3. I would go live with my Aunt and Uncle in Victoria.

The Catholic School was looking like the best option in my 13 year old mind. 

I knew my Aunt and Uncle from pictures really, they had been in Argentina and Toronto while I was growing up—moving to Vancouver Island just the year before.  If I remember correctly we spent 1 day (around Christmas) with them, but I don’t remember any interactions with that part of the family.

Once it was agreed that I was to go to Victoria, my egg donor filled my head and heart with fears.  I had to get a job, how would I afford soap?  I was equally terrified of the move to Victoria as I was a move to Foster care.  The following September as a jab my egg donor sent me soap for my birthday gift.  I have never forgotten that.

The day came to leave and I cried to my Father that I would be better behaved, I BEGGED him not to make me go, but the egg donor told him it was either me or her and he was making his choice—and it wasn’t me.

I sat in the van sobbing while my biological parents drove me to the ferry.  The egg donor said over and over again, shut up, I don’t want to hear you whining.

They walked me on the ferry, there was fear that I would turn around and follow them back.  Who would want to go back to that?

We met my Uncle at the ferry terminal in Sidney, my biological parents handed me off and said good bye. 

The drive to my new home was excruciating.  Fricker’s don’t really talk.  My new Dad asked me questions, but I don’t remember really responding.

We got to our home on Canterbury Road and my memory of this has not faded with time. 

My new mom said, “Where are they?”

 

Dad said, “They turned around and went home on the same ferry.”

Mom said, “What?”  She was irritated, I knew that for sure, but she was very controlled with her irritation.  She then took me in her arms, hugged me.  I felt like an alien and I couldn’t wait to get away.  She then took my face in her hands and said, “I’m your mom now.”

Who does that.  Really.  Who takes a kid like me and does that?  I was addicted to smoking, drugs, I drank on a daily basis, and I smelled, I had bad hair, I was underweight and yet there was immediate love.

Over the next couple days, I needed a wardrobe, I actually moved in with 1 pair of jeans, 1 pair of overalls, 1 t-shirt, 1 blouse, 1 bra, 2 pairs of panties, and a pair of runners.  All of my stuff actually fit with room to spare on one side of a suitcase.

So, she bought me clothes, I got a hair cut, and by three days in, I was pretty presentable.

Over the next number of years I learned so much from her.  One of the first things I learned was to be self-controlled.  It was something that I would work on for years, but she gave me someone to emulate. 

My mother is the kind of woman that people love and want to be.  Her kindness and goodness, overflows from her to those around her.  She has cried for me, her heart has been broken for me, she has advocated for me and she continually prays for me.

I have actually heard men and women say that she is the most beautiful woman they have ever known, she has grace and a sense of style and an unconditional love that is uncompromising.

If, in anyway, I can be like her, I am a better woman than what I should have been.  I know that full well.

I could never repay all you have done for me, taught me, emulated for me, instructed me and loved me…..today and always, I love you Mom!

Fun with Hair Loss.

So that phone call that I missed yesterday from the BC Cancer Agency, when I thought, it's Thursday, I can call them tomorrow.

Ya, I should be keeping better track of my days, because it was Friday and they only keep office hours and are now closed for the weekend.

The call I missed?  My wig is in.

That was a little important detail.....because although I am attached to my hair, my hair is not attached to me.

When Kent and I were newly married and he was nearly blind (pre-Lasik surgery) I used to leave spiders on the wall of the shower.  So he'd get in and a little ball of my hair would be "somewhere" in the shower.  OK, I'll  be the first to admit that that game got old really quickly.

The fact is I lose hair all the time.

This morning while I was talking to Kent, I started getting an itchy scalp.  So I pulled on my hair, and literally got a hand full.  So, I sat in the bathroom, pulling my hair out....I filled the waste basket and decided that I would get in the shower and clean whatever hair I had left.

I left Kent spiders.  :)

hehehehe.  He'll never suspect that they aren't "real" spiders....but you know you have to have fun with spiders hair loss.

So I made art:

In honour of Melissa, I called it Jelly. Fish. (aka Julian Smith's song...)

I am realizing that people might think this is rather disgusting, but hey, I have to have some fun with this.

Shortly after all that, while I had the energy and I could handle the food smells, I tackled cleaning the fridge.

Kent comes around the corner--I have food and fridge parts all over the kitchen, he is smiling, but he is crying.

He had read my blog.  I am not sure what stirred such a reaction, he laughed and wiped his tears, he said I was a good writer.  I smiled.  

The fact is I sit here, I unload on to the computer screen, I spell check and I post.  I don't think all day of what I should post, this is just my life.

Even now, 4 hours after creating Jelly.  Fish.  I am still losing hair -- it's coming out by the hand fulls.  I should've gotten that wig yesterday.

Live and Learn.

Another hair bites the dust.

And another ones gone,
and another ones gone,
Another one bites the dust!

I met a beautiful friend yesterday for coffee.  I am so thankful for the connection of friendship. I didn't really know Denise when I lived in Victoria, but sitting with her yesterday we have so many things in common, so many common interests an giftings it feels like we have been friends forever.

Denise had sent me a devotional one night, when I got up in the morning I got it--it was the first thing I happened to read.

I have felt that my trial with this cancer was all part of a big plan, that I was "trained" for this moment in my relationship with God.  Based on the fact that I spent almost 15 years teaching and training up teens at Emmanuel.

I know my stuff.

Denise's devo that she sent to me was about training to trust in the Lord.  That Joseph's divine reversal in his life, what his brothers meant for evil, God made good.

That my attitude is everything -- like Joseph.  That my attitude is what evil or good is going to use to their own benefit.

If I crawl out of bed and snap the heads of my family (verbally) and slump around in pajamas, I will have that kind of day.

Today and each day, I put a conscious effort into, getting up, being quiet before my Lord and my family, assess where I am at-how I am feeling not reacting to it immediately.  Getting dressed, not in pajama pants, but a skirt, dress pants, do my hair, little make up...it sometimes takes until 3 pm, but I do get it done!

If I am feeling good about me, it's going to reflect on my whole life.

I spend time in my backyard, I have never been one who feels comfortable in quiet, nature-like surroundings, but I am finding great comfort watching a little hummingbird flit about my back yard, watch my faithful dog Pippin lay in the sun, watch Blackberry chase imaginary bugs in the yard.  All while sitting enjoying the warm sun on my face.

I was reminded this morning of Job, how his wife said, curse God and die.  He replied with shall we not accept good from God and not trouble?

*facepalm*

Of course, God allowed all this and I have to say for my benefit.  For the benefit of my family.  And for the benefit of the church.

On the cancer front, I am in pain every day.  I have chest and back pain, numbness in my hands, tongue, nose, lips.  Headaches every day.  The list goes on and on, but in all honesty, I am feeling far better than I thought I would by now.

God is good, he is faithful--I love him more today--even through this--than ever before!

Hair Loss

Sleep is becoming an issue, last night I was up several times, the last time about 4 am.  Even though I am taking a sleeping pill, I just can't seem to sleep past 2 am.

At 4 am this morning, I felt a twinge on my head.  I reached up and touched it and my skin just hurt.  I was a little shocked, but then I realized, it's just another one of the steps I have been warned about.

I got into the shower and started to lose hair, the fortunate thing about being a hairy woman, I have lots to lose.  A lot.

It was almost as if I had walked into a cobweb.  As much as I touched I was touching more.

I looked down and realized I just made a job for Kent.  He is going to have to go and clean out the drain.  I am officially a make-work-project.

Sigh.  How can I lose that much hair but still need to shave my legs?  Where is the justice!!!

On the wedding front: I am learning.  My administrative side kicked in and I was thinking and checking things off the list, but not taking into consideration really the creative side of my daughter.  We are still working on the invitations.  I have a feeling they will be homemade, unique and individual to Melissa and Jonathan.

So creative juices are flowing here this morning, the oven is on, paper is baking, paint is about to start--and I just want to git-r-done.

All of it so worth it.

I decided to stay home from coughy-sneezy-handshake hour at church (no offense anyone.)  I stayed at home because my big Sister Arlene and her hubby Andrew were coming to town!   We had made plans for a lunch date and of the two, I'd rather get the chance to see my family.

We went to Spinnaker's Brew Pub, I have to say is becoming one of my favorite places.  They have great local fare with great flavors.  We were seated near a door, knowing this--I requested a blanket. I am learning that the "I-have-cancer-card" works to my benefit.

I froze.  It was all worth it.

By the time our food came, I was pretty over done.  I had waited too long to eat, was getting too cold and tired.  I thought, if I just got home I would have a nap--all would be good.

When I got home, I could not warm up.

In the afternoon, Kent, Jonathan and Melissa went to Fort Rodd Hill to look at the wedding site again. Kent decided he needed to know where the sun would be on the day of the wedding, so in his boy scout way he plants his watch on the ground, sticks a pen in the ground and "measures" where the sun will be.  He is truly a gifted man.  So they decided the way the wedding would be arranged and how Melissa would enter.

By the time they got home, I had bottomed out.  I was over heated, over tired and in a lot of pain--I felt like the insides of my bones were bursting.  I couldn't get comfortable and I began to lose it a little.

I laid on my bed, writhing and thought panic is not going to help when a verse came to mind:  "I lift my eyes up, to the mountains, where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord the Maker of heaven and earth." Psalm 121

I decided to lay as still as I could, panic wouldn't help the situation, but rather--bask in the scripture that had just come to mind.

From there I started singing to myself, You, O, Lord are a shield about me, you're my glory and the lifter of my head....."

As the evening wore on, I felt better and better and finally fell into bed at 11pm to a good nights sleep.  I was only up twice, today would be a new day.

Then, today, I got an email.  I know for some of you -- you may think this all very convenient and contrived.  It wasn't.

While I was in pain, my Sisters in New Zeland were praying, when they were done they sent me this message:  

Fact: Mama and I just had a prayer sesh for you. It was good to have a piece of 

home and somebody who knows you to share that with. Love you lots and miss 

you lots and think you're the best lots.

You'd have to see the time stamp to fully comprehend that while I was getting out of bed and trying to make sense of what evening I had left yesterday, they were typing that message to me.

I don't believe in coincidence.  I don't believe in happenstance.  I do believe that the investments I have made into the Kingdom of God for years, are coming back to me in droves--the fact that I have friends all over the world who are praying for me, could be directed to pray for me at any time of the day or night -- and that they are willing to do that for me--is overwhelming and gives such peace and reassurance.

It makes the pain all worth it.  I learned about being patient and waiting on the Lord.  Lauren and Deb learned about obedience and faithfulness in New Zealand.  All of it so worth it.

A new weight loss plan....

I have found a new weight loss plan, not that I am recommending it....I am almost 1 week into this and I can say with honesty it is going far better than I had hoped.

I have only been physically sick once, on day one, but that was too be expected.  Since then, I have had a litany of side effects, but none that are too much to complain about.

Today, I stepped on the scale, I am officially 7 pounds lighter than I was on Monday morning when we started.  I new that this could be a side effect, my stomach has not been able to handle a great deal of food at a time, food tastes like nothing, and then after eating, most times I just feel awful.

So, we are off and running.

Yesterday was the last day of this "round" that I had to take any medications.  Now, we wait for the breakdown and rebuilding of the cycle and see what happens.  The Doctors predicted a crash about today, the next day or so.  I have been on some pretty high doses of "upper" like medications so they did say the crash could be severe.

Once that crash is over, I will have another, which will be the days my body is asking for blood cells that aren't there--that should happen sometime this week too.

Fortunately, we have most of the "big" wedding details under our belts, wedding dress, wedding venue and reception are all taken care of.  Whew.

Now, to find some church -- there is nothing on TV, so I think I will be listening to some old EC Sunday morning service.

Sometimes I am so dumb.

I didn't wake today feeling very well.  To add to the list of my symptoms I forgot that my face, lips and nose were numb....today the feeling has been slowly returning and it's just, so, annoying.

I have had little energy, a little nausea but I have to say that all in all it's been a good day.

I have been able to state some of the wedding things on the blog, but I am not sure Jonathan has gotten a hold of all of his family as of yet, so the "full announcement" hasn't been made online yet.

Kent and I decided as a wedding gift we would get the happy couple a new bed, as Jonathan has a set of bunk beds and Melissa's bed is a double.

On top of that--we looked at making a headboard for them.  I did a little research and came up with something that would be fairly easy to make but would be something that Melissa would love.

So over the past couple of weeks, I have been tooling around looking for old wood.  I found a home being torn down on Dallas Road and the man who was destroying his house actually told me to take whatever I wanted or needed.  He is building a new house on the site.

Sweet!

So, he walked us through his yard yesterday and today Melissa and I returned to collect some old boards.  All of them are full of old rusty nails, some have splits, but they look good.

It didn't hit me until we were loading the old boards with rusty nails in to the car that this was really dumb.

I am supposed to be staying away from getting colds, cuts, infections--they didn't say anything about Colstridium tetani.  Although I suspect that -- that would not be a good idea.  Fortunately, I just had a Tetanus shot, so I think getting stabbed through by a rusty nail shouldn't be such a terrible thing.....either way, I got out of there as soon as I could.

Sometimes, I can be so dumb.

Day 3--Chemotherapy--Round 1

What a day, we almost have a reception venue booked.  We have a dress bought, we have almost secured a wedding site.

Whew.

Melissa and I went shopping today and I found a hat, a stinking amazing hat.  I have decided to buy a cute sundress to go with the hat and then on the days when I feel gross, I will have something pretty to wear!

I have a busy night planned, we are hosting dinner here tonight for Kent's Mom (His wonderful, amazing, God loving-prayer-filled Step-Mother) and his Nephew Cory and his beautiful wife Jess.  I am so looking forward to seeing them.  I have an apple crisp in the oven right now, steaks ready to BBQ.  I am not sure I will have the energy to do much else later, but for now, I am basking in the sweet aroma of apple crisp!

I just figured out today that if Melissa and Jonathan plan their wedding for the date they are hoping for, it could mean I am mid-chemotherapy-cycle, at my worst point.

I don't want them to change anything, it's their day and one day we will look back on this and think: remember that summer where we got married, you had chemo?  That was a busy but amazing summer.  I also told her that I may not be able to do much more than sit.  We have to have this planned so that I don't have to be running around.

The amazing thing about this is my girlfriend Shannon said that she would be likened to our "Wedding Planner" and will help step in when I need help.  Being that she is here in town, she will be a huge asset to us!  Thank God for Shannon!


Chemotherapy Update:

Today, my symptoms are a mile long.  Nothing worth complaining about--but I will list because I said I would be honest.  They are as follows:

1.  Flushed face.
2.  Sore throat.
3.  Headache.
4.  Chest pain.
5.  Nausea.
6.  Constipation.  (honest.....)
7.  Back pain.
8.  Chills, no fever
9.  Thirst.  Serious, unrelenting thirst.

I accidentally missed a dose of my medication today--I took the Prednisone but forgot the Dexamethasone.  I am not sure if has affected me--I guess we may never know.

The best thing happened the other day.  I got a card in the mail, with real handwriting on it.  A small group from Emmanuel Church (Kelowna) has been praying for me and sent me encouragement!  I can`t express the amazing feeling I got from knowing that not only are they thinking of me and praying for me, but they took the time to write me a note.  Its amazing that such a small gesture can fill a person with such hope and excitement for the day.  God is so good to me--He has surrounded me with such amazing and faithful people.

(Kirsten, I miss your Pi-N-R.  I love you and miss you!)

Day 2--Chemotherapy--Round 1

Kent.

He is just so flipping supportive  Last night I was feeling really "off" and quite nauseated.  He asked me if I needed anything and I said, "A Gingersnap or Ginger Ale would be nice."

We didn't have anything like that in the house.  So off he goes to the grocery store to find me some Ginger, and this is what he brought home:

That would be two types of Ginger Snaps, Ginger Ale and Ginger Beer.  This is just so typical of Kent if I ask for little, I get much.

I don't know if I can put into words what 24 years (almost) of marriage has been like -- except that this picture encapsulates Kent's devotion.

Today was Chemotherapy Day two.  The nurse hooked up the IV, I have to say that both nurses I have had this week, Marie and Katie were awesome, not so great with inserting the IV--but I put up with it.

At first, they gave me several meds in a cup, I know one was Benadryl and Tylenol....there was a lot of Tylenol...

The Chemotherapy drug was supposed to be pushed over up to 7 hours.  It is the kind of drug that can cause some crazy effects, like high/low blood pressure, high/low blood sugar, chest pain, back pain, itchiness, sore throat, swollen throat...the list goes on and on.

The only symptoms I had was crushing chest and back pain and a really sore and dry throat.  I couldn't intake enough water while I was there, on top of the IV fluids I still didn't feel like I could rid my body of the aching thirst!

During the last hour, the 6th hour, I finally felt like the drugs were kicking in and I was feeling sleepy.

No nausea today at all I am tired and I am really trying not to complain.  It's difficult--maintaining a positive outlook....to find the humour in all of this.

When I got home, I was drinking like crazy!

Then Melissa and I went out and bought the wedding dress.  She looks stunning, and just so "Melissa".

By the time we got home, I had finally felt hydrated.  I felt good, not so tired.  We re-heated a beautiful lasagna that my sister made for me while she was here.

Today was a good day.  All I can say is this is not what I was expecting, maybe there is more to come, but so far, like Dawn Block would say, Easy Peasy!

Day 1--Chemotherapy--Round 1

Interestingly enough, the Chemotherapy has never made me fearful.  Its just another thing that I need to do.

Today, was the day.

We arrived, got my chair, (not the window seat I was hoping for....). 

As the nurse set everything up, she let me know what the medications were and what they would do to my body, what would be the side effects.

As a woman who needs to know, this was amazing.  It reminded me of working with Dr. Lewke, who would take the time to teach me the "why" of what we were doing.

We arrived at 9 and we left just about 12.30--it was really great.

After chemo, I was feeling weird, but really not able to put a finger on it--just felt off.

Melissa and I went dress shopping and we may have found a winner.

It is now 7pm, we are still waiting for Kent to arrive for dinner, I miss the medication schedule by 40 minutes.  I won't do that again.  I was feeling horrible at 6.40.  I checked the schedule it stated eat, take this pill, I muched a bit and 25 minutes later, I am feeling much, much better.

So, tomorrow we are back for another day of Chemotherapy.  They have warned me that it's a one-on-one nursing day.  The medication will be fed in via IV and pump, but it make make my blood pressure or blood sugars spike or drop.  They also said that it could take up to 7 hours to complete.

I am not looking forward to 7 hours in a recliner.  I am not allowed to leave the ward--today they would only let me go to the bathroom.....doesn't make for an exciting day.  At.  All.

So now, off to have tea while the family eats, I am just not feeling like food is a good option right now.

I am wiggin out.

It official.  I have ordered hair.  It's cute, it's brown, it's just so Kim.

I had Melissa with me this morning.  She was hilarious.  She actually put on a blonde wig and I took a picture.  It am sure it was completely backwards.  She said it was on straight....I have my serious doubts.

It is a joy to have Melissa home and she brought home a special person.  My future son-in-law Jonathan.

We got home from the Pet Scan on the 1pm ferry--Melissa and I headed directly to the James Bay Tea room to spend some time together, at least, that's what I told her.  Little did she really know that there was a special man roaming around town organizing little things for her.

The waitress about gave it away.  You ever have one of those moments where in your head you are thinking .... just. stop. talking.

Anyway, Jonathan got to the Tea House with a horse drawn carriage and roses.  He whisked her away and proposed on a rock.

God loves me so much, that not only do I get to say, I am Mom, Mama Kim, but now to add to the list, Mother-in-law.

 We have been looking at reception sites, wedding sites, and dresss.  So great.  So busy, but so great!