Oncology Update--the shocking version

In May I was having pain in my leg/groin on the left side, the cancer I had in 2012 was on the right.

I decided it must have been a pulled muscle.  I went to my family physician for a regular yearly physical.  She checked it and said it was all ok.

I had my regular 3 month oncology appointment and the Dr said, he would order an ultrasound to put me at ease.

I went for the ultrasound and the tech wouldn't let me look.  How rude...right?

When we were heading over to Surrey/Langley yesterday I got a call from the oncologist to call me in to go over the results.  He said he would only call me in if there was something of concern.  Now, I am concerned.

Today, he told me that the ultrasound picked up an enlarged lymph node.  Great.  No pulled muscle.  So, I am heading out for an urgent CT and a referral to a surgeon to get the offending lymph node out.

So, I had a small teary-party when they took blood today, but now, I am not going to panic until it's time to panic.  And it's not time to panic or worry yet.

What love looks like

With every black cloud there has to be a silver lining.  Everything, in every situation.

This week marked the passing of my biological Aunt.  She had cancer and didn't have a lot of time from diagnosis to her passing.

I watched from a distance as I do with this part of my family.  There are three big reasons for this:

1.  I don't want my biological mother in my life.

2.  I'm not sure what my biological mother has told them about me.

3.  Will they judge me for being "my mother's daughter".

All of these make me fearful and keep me from participating in anything to do with this part of my extended family.

I got calls from my Grandmother, a beautiful, loving woman who has only really asked one thing of me in life.  To reconcile with my mother.  After the last attempt to make contact -- I was told by my sister to stay out of her life.  My mother then cut off any communication with my Grandmother for 9 months because my Grandmother shared my biological sister's phone number with me.

I told Grandma I was done.  It's not worth having a relationship with me if it is going to cause this much difficulty with her daughter and granddaughter.

We decided that about 10 years ago.

Recently, we decided we can have friends with who ever we like--and we like each other.

As the calls were coming in keeping me updated about my Aunt and I was trying my best to support my Grandma from a long distance, I did something I really don't do--I creeped my cousin's facebook.  I have really missed her.  I'll admit, I've done it before wondering if we could be friends again.

When the call came that my Aunt had passed I asked for my cousin's phone number.  It took me a number of days to call her because I hate calling people and there was that underlying fear of "what if she believes what my biological mother has said about me".

I decided to bit the bullet and I called and left a voice mail message.

It took a few minutes -- then my phone rang.  And we had a really great 2 hour conversation.  Probably a record for me....

She was everything I remembered.  She was funny, smart, beautiful, loving, kind, truthful....I had missed my friend, confident and one of the best parts of my childhood.  She said, I need you.  Our family needs you.  So throwing caution to the wind--we decided to get together on Monday, she was having dinner with our Grandmother, so I called and invited myself along.  

When I got to Surrey, she stepped out of her house and we embraced.  We both cried.  I can't believe I have been without her for so long.  I couldn't believe it.  It was like we had only been separated by a couple years, rather than 30.

I had some explaining to do, why I hadn't been a part of this family for so long.  I explained it all to her.  She understood--she had such compassion for me.  

We won't be separated for long.  We have found each other again--and I am planning to see her again as soon as possible.

What love looks like.  Sheila and Kim

Grandma B and Kim

Crystal, Sheila and Jim

Auntie Karen, Chris and Pam

A quote from my facebook on Monday Night:

My beautiful amazingly loving family. In ways I feel robbed of 30 years with them. Now all I see is a bright future of being a granddaughter, niece, cousin. I am sitting in the ferry line up thinking about how profoundly blessed I am

Auntie Marj

My Grandma called me this week to let me know that my Aunt had passed.  I don't have a lot of memories from my Aunt, except that I envied the relationship she had with my cousin Sheila.  She was kind, generous, fun.

A number of months ago, back in September Aunt Marj found me on FB.  We entered a very lovely conversation...both with the worry that we would be judged by each other based on what one family member has told us about each other.

That couldn't be farther from the truth.  Of course, see the family member in question couldn't tell the truth if it were the only thing that could save her.  My coworker says, she can't say sh*t for the sh*t she has in her mouth.  That statement couldn't be truer....

Once we we got past that, we realized what we have missed out on--living in the fear that we were who we were told each other is.  We were becoming friends.

I have some fond memories of my Aunt.  I remember a time when I was inseparable from her daughter, my cousin Sheila.  I love Sheila...and today, my heart is broken for her and for her loss.

So, now, I have Sheila's phone number and that same fear of..what if she judges me based on what *** has said about me?

Even though I know I'd call -- we'd have a great conversation -- the fear of rejection reigns.

So for now, I pray for peace and for comfort...and I stare at this paper with my cousin's phone number on it.

Do I phone, or do I not.

A change would do you good--UPDATED

This is what I am thinking about for a change in my hair -- I am a little tired of dying it.  I am thinking this would speed along going back to my natural color (post chemo -- the colour of asphalt...)

I always said I'd like to go funky if I went gray--so here is my chance!

Your feed back would be helpful....click the link above--then leave your comments.

Thanks!

Change is highly overrated.  

I better find some earrings 

to wear that will detract from my new hair.

Hair Be Da Journey

I have thought about this for a while.  The most consistent thing that cancer patients have is a a loss of hair.  So, here is my hair journey:

Pre-Chemo March 2012-New York City

Hair and NYC Police

Hair and the Survivor Tree.  Praying I'll be a survivor.

Wig shopping with Melissa.  

We decided right from the start to find the fun in all of this.  

Daily we found the silver lining to the struggle we were facing.

It didn't take more than 2 weeks for my hair to fall out.

The following day, I thought I'd make the shower less scary and more artsy--this is Jellyfish.

And then, not two weeks after chemo started....

I was losing it at such a rapid pace....

I was finding hair everywhere....it was getting a little gross....

Nothing says I love you like let me help you cut off the rest of your hair.

Probably the hardest night for both of us.

We filled this over and over again over the 2 weeks.

Actually had fun with this...lots of jokes and laughter.

Holey-Hair!

It was done.  It was 15 May 2012.

In June, I went to see Marissa who was in Chemo treatment at Children's.  We marvelled at how she got to keep her hair!

Besides my family, these Men were my biggest supporters.

Rockin the cue-ball look, June 2012

Between cycles of chemo my hair would grow back--just enough to get caught on my pillow.  Melissa helped me in July with a touch up....I may have said..."a little off the top please!"

2 Truly Beautiful Women, I love them dearly.  Oh, and the wig...

September 2012, Chemo and Radiation over, this was a silly, little hike, but it was grueling.  I got down to Sandcut beach and wondered how I was going to get back up.  

Then the night in October when our hair went blue.  The great equalizer....

November 2012, we delayed our anniversary.  I was finally feeling a little more like myself.  Kent rewarded me with a weekend getaway to Point-No-Point

December 2012.  A Family Christmas Photo

March 2013 - An extended family 

New friends from Mexico.  March 2013

June 2013 - Lindsay and I at the Church Grad

July 2013 I joined in a tourist photo.  They didn't even really notice....

August 2013 - Getaway to Tofino

Me, a little star struck by the Beefeaters, Tower of London, October 1, 2013.  

Happy Anniversary Kent!

Well, you can imagine, I was a little over the moon with this photo.  He LIVES in the Tower of London.

April 2014 - We've come full circle.  And now, I am contemplating cutting it off again.

I've come to terms with, it's just hair.

I no longer have "bad hair days", I just have "hair days"

A Catch-Up

Wedding season ended this weekend.  With Aaron and Emily's wedding, we kissed the wedding season good bye.  It's such an honour to be included in this special and amazing day--Kent and I never take this for granted.

I had a great time talking with a woman and the reception we were just at--actually left with some real-eye-opening-realization that we are being held up by Gods Righteous Right Hand.

Then, this morning I was going through our bank account and getting ready to pay tithe and pay a few bills before we went to church--not really concerned about what I would find in our bank account.  I knew pretty much where we stand.  I have been very aware since Kent lost his job middle of February that I would have to be a very good steward of our money.

Then I saw the number and literally GASPED.  I thought our bank balance was our credit card balance.  I felt faint for a moment....then I realized my mistake and our credit card was exactly where I thought it was.  I always pay it off.  Always.

What I didn't realize was what kind of good shape our finances were in--this many months post job loss.  EI had finally come through and Kent had gotten a couple of back payments.

Whew.

On the health front, I saw both my Dr and oncologist this past week, I passed on all fronts.  I have been having a strange groin pain on the left side, (not like the right side started, but still concerning).  I go for a scan tomorrow morning (at a yawny 6.45 am).  I am not concerned at all--I am actually pretty sure I pulled a muscle in May and didn't give it a change to heal.  They will let me know if there is something sinister, but the reality is...I am sure I am fine.

Oncology Update

This morning I got to work and there was a $10 Timmies card on my desk.  Someone I worked with was thrilled with my job performance.  Sweet!

I saw my oncologist today--can I just say it's my 4th oncologist since this has all started.

He was great, he was English and I have to say it was one of the best appointments that I had since all this started.

Just an update, I quit all the medications I have been on since this all started.  All of it.  I have kept one medication - my migraine medication.  I only take it when it's needed..so it really doesn't count -- right?

So, I told the oncologist that I had quit everything...he was a little stunned but he seemed happy about it.

I have had this weird pain -- he has set up a scan I think it may be a pulled muscle...but who can know.

Finally my hour long appointment (that turned out to be 20 minutes) was over and he said in his great accent, "You are the perfect advert for successful treatment."

Thank you Dr.  I'll take that all the way to the bank!  

I went with a friend over to Timmies after my appointment and talked and when I got back to my desk there was a thank you card!

What a great day--and it was only 10:30 am.

Tonight I felt like celebrating--but instead I put together a scrap metal fundraiser application and washed the walls downstairs to get ready to paint possibly tomorrow.

Nothing says "clink" like TSP'ing walls.

Stupid adult life.

May 2014 - A busy month

We've had a busy month.

Along with a great Co-worker ran 5 different days of conferences.  My work days started early about 6.40 am and went as late as 9.30.

I also got to go to HistoryMakers a conference for teens.  I have been to 30 HM conferences and I feel incredibly honoured to have had the chance to chaperon for so many years.  And this year, I was given a really special treat.  One of my favourite musicians, Martin Smith was at HM.

I have to say, I tried hard not to react like an 11 year One Direction Fan, but -- I did a little bit.

Martin Smith

HM 2014

#gyc at HM2014

Then, as the month went on, we got to see Sarah and Paul Aragones get married.  It was a beautiful day in Abbotsford, a gorgeous bride and a handsome groom!

Sarah and Paul Aragones

We had made plans to meet up with family on Sunday morning for breakfast.  Most of the plans fell through, but got to have time with Scott and Patrick.  Probably the kindest and most generous men I have ever met.  I am thankful for family like them.

Scott, Patrick, Kent and me at Catch 122.

Then, this got to happen to me--I got to go home to Kelowna.  A beautiful ride over the mountains into the valley.

We had the best Road Trip Buddies.  It's always a great test of friendship when you end a weekend together with a couple and you like them MORE than when you started.

Chelsea and Rob

The following day, I was privileged to be at the wedding ceremony of Jamie Lee and Josh Lloyd-Smith.  What a great day, on the beach, to watch the self written vows, that so captured the character of two beautiful people were spoken before God.

Josh and Jamie Lloyd-Smith

Max, Kent, Rob and Chelsea, me and Bri

I'm so thankful that May is over, it was a very long haul...and it means that we are one month closer to Summer!

Grief

Grief is an odd thing.

It takes me some time to process.  Probably longer than most people.

Today, I am having to let go of a dream--and I am having some really big struggles with the whole idea of letting go.

I am grieving normal life.  I really didn't think that 3 years into our life here Kent would be unemployed.  I think the last couple of days this has been a reality check that has been really hard to come to grips with.   Kent is in the throws of deciding if he should go back to school.  I want to throw my every effort after his desire--I just didn't think we'd be doing something like this at this stage of life.

I am grieving a dream.  Melissa and Jonathan were thinking about going on a trip when they graduate next year, and sort of tossed it out there.  They had asked if we would maybe want to join them.  A chance to be with them?  I'm all on board.

With Kent thinking of school and being unemployed, this is looking like its less and less likely going to happen.

I have quit all my meds.  *All* my meds (with the exception of the meds I take for my migraine medications--I only take when I need it).  So having said that....I am exhausted.  I haven't taken a sleeping pill since Saturday--and my poor body is suffering.  I haven't slept really since then....but then I think, I probably haven't really slept for a VERY long time.  I am hoping to retrain myself...

A couple of months ago, I got reconnected with some family.  My biological Mother's Sister.  We had a long conversation on Facebook.  It was so great to hear from her.

From there, I had conversations with my Grandma and was really enjoying this connection.  I just heard that my Aunt is sick.  Really sick.  I'm feeling rather helpless.

We were in Kelowna last weekend and although there are times when I wouldn't want to move back, my heart is broken that we don't still live there.  

My heart is hurting, frustrated.  I know that this will pass--probably with a good night sleep.