What love looks like

With every black cloud there has to be a silver lining.  Everything, in every situation.

This week marked the passing of my biological Aunt.  She had cancer and didn't have a lot of time from diagnosis to her passing.

I watched from a distance as I do with this part of my family.  There are three big reasons for this:

1.  I don't want my biological mother in my life.

2.  I'm not sure what my biological mother has told them about me.

3.  Will they judge me for being "my mother's daughter".

All of these make me fearful and keep me from participating in anything to do with this part of my extended family.

I got calls from my Grandmother, a beautiful, loving woman who has only really asked one thing of me in life.  To reconcile with my mother.  After the last attempt to make contact -- I was told by my sister to stay out of her life.  My mother then cut off any communication with my Grandmother for 9 months because my Grandmother shared my biological sister's phone number with me.

I told Grandma I was done.  It's not worth having a relationship with me if it is going to cause this much difficulty with her daughter and granddaughter.

We decided that about 10 years ago.

Recently, we decided we can have friends with who ever we like--and we like each other.

As the calls were coming in keeping me updated about my Aunt and I was trying my best to support my Grandma from a long distance, I did something I really don't do--I creeped my cousin's facebook.  I have really missed her.  I'll admit, I've done it before wondering if we could be friends again.

When the call came that my Aunt had passed I asked for my cousin's phone number.  It took me a number of days to call her because I hate calling people and there was that underlying fear of "what if she believes what my biological mother has said about me".

I decided to bit the bullet and I called and left a voice mail message.

It took a few minutes -- then my phone rang.  And we had a really great 2 hour conversation.  Probably a record for me....

She was everything I remembered.  She was funny, smart, beautiful, loving, kind, truthful....I had missed my friend, confident and one of the best parts of my childhood.  She said, I need you.  Our family needs you.  So throwing caution to the wind--we decided to get together on Monday, she was having dinner with our Grandmother, so I called and invited myself along.  

When I got to Surrey, she stepped out of her house and we embraced.  We both cried.  I can't believe I have been without her for so long.  I couldn't believe it.  It was like we had only been separated by a couple years, rather than 30.

I had some explaining to do, why I hadn't been a part of this family for so long.  I explained it all to her.  She understood--she had such compassion for me.  

We won't be separated for long.  We have found each other again--and I am planning to see her again as soon as possible.

What love looks like.  Sheila and Kim

Grandma B and Kim

Crystal, Sheila and Jim

Auntie Karen, Chris and Pam

A quote from my facebook on Monday Night:

My beautiful amazingly loving family. In ways I feel robbed of 30 years with them. Now all I see is a bright future of being a granddaughter, niece, cousin. I am sitting in the ferry line up thinking about how profoundly blessed I am