For the past number of weeks, while Earl was showing back up in our lives...I have been in almost daily conversations with my Sister Danielle.
Our (biological) mother Patricia Fricker has been in decline. She would have a bad day, followed by a good day and be up and talking to her coffin maker (I am not kidding), she'd make plans with the Doctors, then the next day decline and Danielle would have to step in as her Power of Attorney and Executor.
It was nuts. I was feeling TERRIBLE for Danielle, this pattern is how I remember Pat in life. She'd pull me in, just to push me away.
This morning at 1.30 am, she passed into her eternal reward...Can I say that?
Let me tell you about the Pat that I knew:
She had 4 children. Randy a pedophile, Mike a loving older brother to me, but outside of that relationship he could be really mean and violent. I came next, with all my faults....and then 6 years later Danielle, she was pure sweetness.
Pat LOVED Randy. I don't know if the words will translate here, but she loved, loved, loved Randy and Mike. Far more than my sister and I. She would say I had middle child syndrome and I couldn't see that she was a fair and loving Mum.... um ok.
Pat loved the beach, although she disliked heat and water.
Pat could knit faster than anyone I have ever known, she sold Cowichan 'Indian' Sweaters in Kitimat to make extra money.
Pat didn't like that I liked sports and if I signed up, she'd show up and un-sign me up, so I learned quickly to ask Dad and he always said yes.
As a child I remember Pat as a woman who liked to drink, when I was growing up, she used it as a way to medicate herself to sleep.
Pat loved my Dad Al, but I think it was a relationship that was built in a trauma attachment.
Pat started doing therapy that I was aware of in 1990. She seemed to be very moderated at that time, but as with most things with her it didn't last.
Pat'isms - when I was 12/13, she leaned out the dining room window on 79th Avenue in Surrey and screamed that I was a two faced, hypocrite, bitch. I was walking up the street with my Best Friends, Rhoda and Craig. Craig put his arm around me and then she called me a slut.
One of her sons got into some trouble and she ran to his defense, ordering me to make sandwiches and she packed him up. She then drove through the night a couple hours to a Aboriginal Band Office and dropped him off where he could 'hide in plain sight'.
She lined up her kids one day when I was about 10-12 and asked if Dad and I split up, who do you want to live with, Randy and Danielle said her, and I said Dad, she slapped me and walked out of the room.
When I told Pat about the abuse in our house, it was Christmas time, I remember looking at the tree as Randy pleaded for mercy from Pat, and of course he got it. She looked at my brother Randy and slapped him across the face with her slipper. She said, "I will do the disciplining in this house." I was 9, and I was rocked with fear. I knew he was going to come for me.
Later that night, we helped Pat dig out the car and get her off to her night shift, and Randy turned to me and the look...pure evil. He walked me into the house and let me walk up the stairs to the living room, he then grabbed me by my hair and pulled me into my room where he beat me with a wooden spoon. You might think, that's not so bad. He hit me where my clothes would hide the marks. He started with the top of my head....I had a friend who was beaten with a broken kettle cord, she taught me to wait a couple days until the bruises were the worst, then talk to your parents. So I did. I waited until Pat was sitting at the table and Randy was across from her, they were having coffee/smokes. I walked into the dining room and stripped down...the bruises were from my head to my knees, all down the front and back of me. She looked at Randy and once again, said, I will discipline the girls. I don't have a recollection of what happened after that, but I remember the next night shift. He went from just molesting me to trying to rape me. Fortunately, I was a very small 9 year old and I am a scrapper. When that was unsuccessful, he pulled out a piece of wood from under my bed and beat me. I remember being unable to walk to school the next day, knowing Pat would be sleeping off her night shift, I stayed home from school. This time, there were other bruises and swellings that were more obvious, my face, arms. I don't remember what the outcome was for Randy, but I would bet that he had beat both Pat and I into submission....I wasn't going to tattle again until, the final time.
The last time Pat and I were face to face, we met for Breakfast in the mid-90s. We had a really pleasant breakfast, then as we were leaving, Pat just couldn't leave something good -- so she picked a fight, I fell for it.
About 15 years ago, my sweet Grandma Biddlecombe asked for me to call Danielle for her birthday. So, we debated it I thought she would tell me to leave her alone and she would cut off all relationship with her Step Mom for about 9 months.
I called, Danielle and Pat told me to stay out of their lives, I then called Grandma and her line was already busy. I think Pat was dialing a phone while she was telling me off. Again, she cut off her mom from any relationship. So I decided to honour her in that -- I would stay out of her life.
I am not sure where Pat is right now, I hope she got to see her life in review and saw the torment she put people through. I don't remember a kindness from Pat ever as a child or adult. Not one, except for this: When the abuse was really found out -- she told Al, either you chose her (Kim) or me, we won't both live in the same house. Al said that Randy was no longer allowed in the house, then they chose each other and I got a new loving family and a peaceful life.
What I know is, she gave me life, she gave me the opportunity for a second life and for that I am grateful.
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