That'll be a hard NO

Kent and I met with a surgeon on Wednesday last week, for the sake of his reputation, I won't post his name.

He saw us at the end of a very busy day -- he had spent in the Endoscopy Clinic.  I assume he went from one patient to another to another....

When we met him he seemed hurried and stressed.

He got me to change came in and used terms like advanced disease, metastisized disease, you get the picture....but we had never heard that from ANYONE else.....like physicians we have relationship with!

We left the office feeling bleak, hopeless, I can't even form the words to describe what we were feeling.  I started to cry, and cry hard, so much so my face contorted into a cramp and I looked like some crazy Jim Carrey character, (think 'the mask').  That in turn made us laugh because I couldn't get my face to stop cramping....

That night we slept very little.

Thursday, I had a day of training in Victoria, so I hopped in my car at 7.30, bleary eyed and set for the Capitol.  Let me tell you, it was probably not the best time to drive, but I work with some of the most amazing women, they are incredibly encouraging...so there was no way I wasn't going to go.  I did have trouble staying awake as I drove.

On my way through Duncan, I called my oncologists office.  I knew that this would be a long shot that he would call me back, but I had to know.  I left a message with his MOA and wondered if I would hear back from him.

At lunch.  Driving with 2 coworkers to pick up lunch, I got the call back.  He told me, we don't have a plan yet, as we don't have your tumour markers back yet.  So the plan that the surgeon came up with the day before wasn't THE PLAN.

Dr. Poonja, talked me off my ledge, but left me with one thing:  the cancer has moved.  It's in my lungs.  The plain facts are this, you can't cure metastasized breast cancer.  I'm looking at the end -- but not yet.

I was encouraged well by my coworkers and at the end of the day, driving home, I updated Kent.  That night, I dreamed I was laying in bed, saying my goodbyes to my kids.  I woke and said not yet.  I'm not ready to go, I'm not ready to give in.  I am going to fight.

I've made a call to go back to the surgeons I had for Fred and for the original Earl.  They remembered me when I called in -- and that was so comforting. I have called my GP here in Nanaimo to turn the referral back to Dr. Alison Ross, she was amazing, comforting and kind.  That's what I need right now.