A Spritual Battle

I am fully aware of the spiritual battle that rages around me.  I do blame a lot of things on Satan and know that God has allowed things in my life, for my benefit, character development and maturity.

This week seemed to be a little of a free-for-all.  At one point this week, I had a serious talk with both of them, God and Satan.

I told Satan I had had enough.  I told God, I knew He knew what I could handle but I was really beginning to believe that I was nearing the end of my rope.

I come from addiction.  I know that my parents were drinkers, they did drugs, they were swingers…they were pretty much as hedonistic as middle class can get….without looking dirty to an outside-looking-in kind of view.

This week I found myself taking the narcotics for my post surgical pain longer than need be by about 4 days.  Then I realized I had “doubled” my sleeping pill for 2 nights for absolutely no apparent reason.

I woke on Tuesday morning still feeling high.  I knew immediately, if I didn’t take action I would be in trouble.  So, I stopped cold turkey taking anything.  I didn’t sleep Tuesday or Wednesday nights.  Thursday morning I was at the lowest point I have been at in years.

I showered took Max to school and went to my local pharmacy to pick up some Melatonin (and Vitamin D since it seems it might be a while before I can get to Hawaii).  I needed help and I was hoping this would be the answer.  Literally, I had done *everything* I could to get to sleep—none of it working…including prayer…generally I can fall asleep mid-sentence….I told you this was going to be truthful….

While in the parking lot I had a fender-bender..well, my car had a fender-bender the woman’s little car that hit me…not so lucky.

I jumped out of the car to see if she was ok, we exchanged information and I went home with a bruised ego, but was tiring of the battle.

I was buoyed by a visit from a long time friend, Sandy, who has known me for more than 25 years.  We laughed, prayed, she challenged me, she encouraged me—we were together for about 3 hours—I went for a walk to process the words that Sandy had challenged me with—and the conclusion I had come to this week was exactly what she had come to as well.

I slept fitfully Thursday night, woke, took my Vitamin D and set to getting my house arranged for a week of work.

While making dinner….I was steaming some vegetables on the back burner of my gas stove when POOF! The front burner lit.  I have a nice gas stove, but it doesn’t start easily, the knob at the front has to be pushed in, set to “light” it clicks for a good long time before starting…and I was wearing a scarf—that was beautifully draped over the burner.

I backed up quickly and patted down what I envisioned to be flames leaping off my scarf.  There were none, but it rattled me like the car accident—and I had it out right then and there with Satan.

If I was wondering if I was in the midst of a spiritual battle, that completely confirmed it.  I am under attack—but I know who owns the victory and I am leaning heavily on this knowledge.  I know that when I awake at night, my pulse raging, stress pain in the side of my chest, sleep just a fleeting fancy, that I need the coverage of the blood of Jesus to make it through every day.

I could let myself become overwhelmed with fear, and the situations I am facing, but my Hope is in the Lord.

Today I was reminded of a scripture from a good friend Kari-Lynn, Revelation 12:11, we will overcome with the BLOOD OF THE LAMB and the WORD OF OUR TESTIMONY.

I honestly can’t wait to see what kind of testimony is being written right now—can you imagine?  My testimony with the blood of the lamb DEFEATS the enemy.  That puts my word on par with the blood of the lamb, together we are a formidable force and I will not be silenced.

The dumbest thing to do at 2 am.

What's the dumbest thing to do at 2 am?  Watch a bone marrow biopsy clip on youtube.com.  I have decided youtube is not my friend.

For that matter, anyone who has to do that procedure on me is not my friend.

The BC Cancer Agency called to book my initial consultation with my new medical oncologist.  I see Dr. Fitzgerald on April 5 for an hour and then I am off to the lab for more blood work, a work up for a bone marrow biopsy.

That statement stopped me in my tracks today--I was making dinner.  All I could think is from what I know it's a stupidly painful and a somewhat barbaric procedure all while the patient is awake.

I was swimming with this idea in my head when the receptionist said, I just want to confirm information.  I know this is all part of protocol, but I am a little tired of repeating the same information over and over again, and now, with the knowledge of a bone marrow biopsy (BMB), I had not a shred of patience left.

For me, that's pretty amazing.  I am a very patient person.

Then, when giving my birthdate, address, and spouses name for the umpteenth time, I hear, "I know you."

My first reaction was how the %^&*()_(*&^ do you think you know me?  I am new in town, I don't know many people....

She then said, "Do you know who this is??"

Ya, I am in the mood for playing games.  That's all I could think, thank you Jesus for a 43 year-old filter on my mouth--what was swimming in my head would've made a sailor blush.

I said, "I have *no* idea who you would be."

She then says very happy and friendly-like, "I am ***** from Kelowna!"

Really?  Seriously?  Really?

I was stunned and shocked.  She *never* wanted to be my friend, in fact reminded me on several occasions that I lived in "Old Shannon Lake" and she never really wanted our kids to be together--after years I realized she had a daughter the same age, who eventually became friends with my daughter in High School.

In fact, I left a small group from Emmanuel Church because I just couldn't fit in.  Even the dude with fetal alcohol syndrome and milk farts fit in better than I did--you might think I am exaggerating, but I am not, everyone in the group talked to him....it wasn't long before they moved out of Shannon Lake and moved to a different church and then a different city

Stunned.  She's being *really* friendly.  And all I could think is I am being nasty--I justified it because I was so suddenly scared.

That's it, I said it.  Scared. Fear-filled, frightened, terrified--and having to be pleasant was just beyond what I thought I could contend with.  The beast raged inside of me and I couldn't say a word.

Reality kicked in as she started asking all kinds of questions about my life, both here and in Kelowna.  My mouth wouldn't obey my head, I heard myself saying, uh, uh, then I said rather stupidly, "Do you have any more information for me?"

And then I heard the familiar condescending voice of a former neighbour, "Well, I am still waiting for you to get a pen and take down the information."

Right.  In an instant, I had my head on straight-mouth co-operating with my brain.

I told her I had it all down, repeated it back to her, then said, "If that's all the information I need than thank you for your call, I will be there on April 5."

I don't remember saying good bye.  I don't remember her saying good bye.  I generally wait until the other party has hung up the phone, it's something my Mom taught me about phone etiquette.  That I should be the one to hear the disconnect, or clunk as the phone is hung up--never the person I am speaking too.

It's interesting to me how fear works.  I am terrified of pain.  Although I cracked jokes in labour with both my kids, and so far with every medical person I have met along the way of my journey, it seems that the BMB set me over the edge.

I didn't get emotional until I got to the CT Scan, and that was just a flipping scan--but now it's almost 3 am and I can't get the idea of what's ahead of me out of my head.

I am wavering between, I am not strong enough to do this and I've got this.  No worries, I have this one in the bag.

I think I just need to stay off youtube.

My very present help in time of need.

Yesterday was a tough day.  I think some of the weight of this all came down on me at once, well, more than once.

I had gotten a call to confirm diagnosis and that CT booking would be calling, they did and in a matter of an hour I had a CT booked for yesterday.

I am not good at "new things".  I am not good a meeting new people, new experiences, even new food....although, I had a attitude earlier that I should try everything once, that wore off very quickly in my late 20s/early 30s.

Kent took the afternoon off to take me to the CT.  He has been exceptional through all this and I know this has been incredibly difficult for him, his Father passed away from Lymphoma.

Waiting for the CT a nurse brought out 2 glasses of water.  She said drink this in the next 15 minutes, I will come get you in 40 minutes.

15 minutes, to drink 2 glasses of water?  I looked at Kent, he lovingly looked back at me, with this little grin.  I CAN'T drink THAT much of ANYTHING in 15 minutes.

I picked up the cups, played with the lid, the straw, looked at Kent.....he smiled sweetly.

I looked at the glasses and excused myself from Kent, went to the bathroom and started to cry.  I am not sure why THIS was so overwhelming.  I pulled myself together and went out to see Kent.

He said, "I am going to go to the bathroom...."

So, while Kent was gone, I decided I can do this, I chugged both cups before he got back--there was a colossal GAG! but other than that, I made it relatively unscathed.  Although, I cleared my part of the waiting room.  There was a poor woman across from me--waiting for what I assume is the same procedure.....she was slack-jawed and wide eyed when I gagged, asked me if I needed help, I said no.  Then a nurse came out and brought her 2 cups and gave the same instructions.  I said, have fun--it's yummy, I swear, smiled at her, she didn't know what to do.

So, Kent came back and I asked him to ask if I could have some tea.  I know Kent and he knows me well, so he looked at me, picked up the glasses one at a time.  I know what he was thinking.  I am not getting you tea until you finish this.  He smiled and went and got me tea.

I win.

So they took me back for the CT and and again a meltdown hit.  I changed out of my clothes, was given an IV for more contrast, and that's when I lost it.  The nurse asked if she hurt me, I said no, that I was just overwhelmed.

As I went into the CT, now, having experienced it, easy peasy.  The only annoying part is having the contrast makes a person feel like they are wetting the bed.  I am over 40, I have had kids, this could be a reality!  (I don't pee the bed...), but the Tech said, it would feel like it.  So when the contrast hit my arm, it warmed me up -- I felt like I was on a beach, it spread over to my chest and instantly I was warm from head to toe!  They could sell this to people in the winter to keep people warm!

While I was waiting for the CT to come, I was on the stretcher and I had a moment of why.  Why do I have to go through this?  I have been faithful, I have honored God, I have worked diligently for Him.  I just started to heave at one point.  I don't want to walk through this, I don't!  And as it escalated into a nearly full blown temper tantrum, I had this suddenly appear in my head: You are my Rock.  My Fortress.  My Deliverer.  My very present help in time of need.  My Portion, My Rock, You are my Shield.  You are my Shield, My Rock.....over and over again.  As I recited a portion of the Hillsong United Song, that comes directly from Scripture, I found myself gaining strength that I thought I had all but left in the car on the way to the hospital.  As the CT wound around me, I basked in my head, the words of my Lord, sung to me by my loving Husband--I was calmed, I was fortified, I was suddenly placed on the Rock with a Shield about me.

Lesson learned.  I am allowed moments of frustration, fear, disillusionment--but I know who is holding me up in this.  He is my very present help in time of need.

Hillsong-He has made me glad

I will bless the Lord forever
I will trust Him at all times
He has delivered me from all fear
He has set my feet upon a rock.

I will not be moved
And I will say of the Lord
You are my Shield,  My Strength, My Portion
Deliverer, My Shelter, Strong Tower
My very present help in time of need.

Whom have I in heaven but You
There is none I desire beside You
You have made me glad
and  I will say of the Lord

I will not be moved!
And I will say of the Lord
You are my Shield,  My Strength, My Portion!
Deliverer, My Shelter, Strong Tower
My very present help in time of need.

Urgent Call To Prayer

Yesterday was a day with little rest from news.  It was a good day I was super careful about needing sleep and getting it.  I feel like I am watching life from the sidelines, I have said no to jobs at work and I have hardly been out of the house.

Yesterday, the pathology results came in--I was a little astonished as to what I was hearing.  "Diffuse B cell Lymphoma.  Ya, I knew that already.  I actually thought that it was going to be negative.  I honestly thought I was going to get this call, "I am sorry Kimberly, we can't explain this--your results are negative....you don't have cancer."

That's not what happened.  In the moments that followed I thought of the guy in the bible, who's friends and possibly family members lowered him through the roof to get healing.  I am not sure why I thought of this, but it's all I could think about. I just couldn't shake that image.

Minutes pass and my phone rang again, the Surgeon's Assistant was saying that the Doctor had put through an urgent referral to the BC Cancer Agency and for a CT.  She wanted me to be sure that I knew what the next step was.

I was still thinking of laying on a cot, being lowered into a room from the roof....

We went through the remaining of the day, into the evening, I got a call from a woman--she was just about to leave her post, she got my referral and wanted to book my appointment before she left for the day.  I told her, name the date and time I will be there.

.....she checks her schedule.....

How about tomorrow at 3?

So, off to Victoria General Hospital I will go today for my CT appointment--we are off and running.  I don't know why I have to walk this out, but obviously God wants me to walk through all of this out in obedience, in trust, faithfully knowing that He has gone this way ahead of me.

So, back to the cot through the roof.  (Matthew 2:1-8)  I have been actively thinking about how many times in Scripture, when God heals it is because a family member or a friend asks for the healing, not because of the request from the afflicted.

It makes me very thankful for family, church family, friends and friends of friends who are willing to bring me before the throne of God.  I believe I will be healed, I believe there will be days that are highlights as well as I-can't-get-out-of-bed-days, but on each and every one of those days, I will have a Saviour walking out ahead of me, a faithful husband walking with me and a host of family and friends laying me before the throne of Grace.

What more could a girl want?  I simply can't think of anything else I'd want.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/320460341335975/  This is a link to a prayer group on Facebook.  It's called Urgent Call To Prayer.  Please add yourself!

Oh, my.

I am a terrible sick person, it's true, I turn into a 2 year old.

This morning I woke with a swirly head, dizzy and sick to my stomach.  I think I need to vomit, but I will do absolutely whatever it takes to make sure that doesn't happen.  I hate being sick like that.

Yesterday, we had a wonderful day, my sister Arlene and Brother-in-law Andrew came down to visit.  We had lunch together and I napped, it was a great day!

Sometime around 9 pm--I went to bed for the night and slept straight through.

Maybe I am not feeling well, because I have gotten too much sleep?

Today, I have folded some laundry, lifted something too heavy, (left it in its place....it was too heavy to move....) and folded some laundry.  And I am done for the day.

Pippin and I are currently snuggled up on the couch, we are chillin out watching the Price is Right.

Life is good.

Fred has been replaced by Bob.

Bob the Bruise has taken the place of Fred the lump.  I am so happy to see Bob!

The beauty of this week other than the fact that Fred is gone is my Mom and Dad are here.  I am not used to having people wait on me, I am trying my best to be a good patient.  The epitome of this is food always tastes better when I didn't have to make it myself!

I came through surgery on Wednesday--Dr. Ross autographed my leg, with a smiley face and I didn't even ask!

When I woke up--there was pain.  Holy Hannah, there was pain.  I was told that I would be frozen with local and that I wouldn't feel it for hours.....after a shot of morphine followed by a chaser of Tramacet--the pain was tolerable.

I got home and the whole day is just a blur.

I do remember having a nap.  I have napped more this week than I have in years!

The first night, I was up every single hour, even after taking a sleeping pill and pain meds.  Not a fun night.

Last night, sleeping pill in hand, prayer, and pain meds on board, I headed to bed.  I woke at 1 and 5, retook pain meds and slept until 8.  Still tired and groggy -- but I am feeling more human today!

Today, I get to take off the bandages, I am concerned--they didn't give me stitches, but rather steri-strips are holding my leg together.  If I take off the bandage and it takes of the steri-strips....I would be hooped!

So, in fear, I decided to wait one more day.....Nurses, medical professionals, feel free to weigh in!  Should I wait another day or not?

You must be distracted....

You must be distracted....ah, yup.

This morning bright at early Kent and I dropped Lanette off at the airport.  It was such a blessing to have her here, we laughed, we cried, we reminisced, we reconnected and love abounded.

I miss her terribly already.

My reaction to all the stuff that is going on has been unnerving to people and I think that the people around me have had a significantly more emotional reaction than I have had.

Until today.

About 2 hours after Lanette left, I found myself becoming more emotional and a little angry.  I didn't like being passed over in line ups, my patience had all but dried up and I realized that I was losing my ability for self control.  I recited the fruit of the spirit....over and over again....

Eventually, people became less annoying.  Amazing how that works!

So when people were less annoying I decided to go grocery shopping.  I got a little cart, headed to Safeway--went about picking up my veggies and a few other things I needed and proceeded to the "self checkout".   The self check out fulfills a life long dream of being a check out girl.  Seriously.  I am not kidding.  I love it.

I had stocked the cart a little more full than I had hoped and headed to my line up.  The manager was there helping me as I unloaded and bagged my groceries.

I headed to my car I realized that I hadn't paid for 2x12 cans of coke, a cucumber, 2 lemons, an avocado, 4L milk jug and 2 bags of cooked shrimp.

Sigh.

So, what would you do?  The manager had helped me.  I had escaped and I was free to go home.

Sigh.

I walked back into the store with the goods I hadn't bought.  This is just such a Kim move.

I got odd looks as I walked in with a grocery cart of groceries--from the parking lot.  I found the manager and told him what had happened.  He looked at me like I was nuts.  He said, "You must be distracted..."

I said, "You have no idea."

He said, "Get outta here"

So I got about $50.00 worth of free groceries for being mental.

Bonus!

On the Fred front--since coming home from New York, he has been shrinking.  In the words of a wonderful friend Sandy, "Fred is turning into Fre, which is turning into Fr and soon he will be just an F."

Priceless.

So tomorrow, Fred dies.

I check into Victoria General Hospital at 7.15 am and sometime after than will be put under general anesthetic, and Fred, the vicious creature will be cut from my body.

I can't wait--Fred will die!

The Ultimate Distraction

New York City was a great distraction.  I was busy, focused--it was great to get me through to this week.

There is a new distraction this week, he has come into my life in the form of a little white terrier, I believe he is called a Westie.  He is hyper, he loves Pippin and they play, bark and growl at each other lots.  His name is Tucker.  He is not mine--we are doggy-sitting for friends.   I think he the ultimate distraction.

The other wonderful distraction I have this week is my sister, she arrived a few days ago and I am having a great time talking, connecting and laughing--we really share a brain, we are alike in how we parent, how we love God, how we walk through life....She would've given up her shoes and been barefoot in New York City too, I am sure of it.

Today we had a Doctor's appointment to meet the Surgeon who will be taking care of Fred.  Just moments before we were due to leave, Lanette took my hands in hers and we stood in my kitchen and prayed.  She prayed for peace and direction.  How can you not love a Sister who reminds me of what is important in the moments when my mind is racing--swirling inside my head?  I am truly, completely blessed.

Because of her prayer, I was calm, organized in thought, able to see the humour in all this.

We met Dr. Allison Ross, she was personable, friendly, calming.  She has decided to take all of Fred out.  This is an answer to prayer; I was told only a portion of Fred would be removed.  Sorry, but Fred must die.

Dr. Ross said it would be done this week--I am on the surgical slate for March 22nd.  I have a pre-operative physical appointment with my family practitioner tomorrow and a tea date with my Sister.

We asked Dr. Ross all the questions we thought needed to be asked.  Even asking, "How long can I milk this for?"  I was told a week.  Rats.  I thought I could get more sympathy than that!

I will know about 2 days after the surgery the confirmation of what kind of Lymphoma and stage we will be looking at--then a treatment plan will be formed.

So, here we go--ready to face what right now could be seen as daunting, scary, upsetting, but all is peaceful now.  Odd, I know.

All for the love of a Sister

So, I am now home from New York City.  It was such a great experience, I love the City, I love working with teens, and what a great fusion--the New York School of Urban Ministry.

Each time I go, I have a breaking moment and a I make a life long friend.  Both were accomplished this week.

One of the workers at NYSUM, Ryan, stole our teams heart, he was exceptional at his job -- and his love for our teens was evident.  I have invited him to Victoria for Canadian Thanksgiving.  I think he will come.  The other friend I met was Kimberly Brown-Hill--I met her in Battery Park.  She was also in New York on a missions trip.

The team was amazing, they were good workers and super supportive of my condition and willing to be accomodating while I wheezed up a set of stairs or claimed the front seat of the van because of my car sickness....all good.

The most amazing part of the trip for me, other than ministry stuff was the Memorial at The World Trade Centre.  It has been amazing each trip to see how the area has changed from a pile of rubble, to a beautiful memorial of such an act of hatred.

The day I returned from New York City, Kent and I went to the airport to pick up my sister, traveling from Edmonton.  She was a little nervous about traveling solo, she was a little tired when this dialogue happened:

Lanette:  Do you have a baggie for my liquids?  I don't want them to explode.  I mean blow-up, I mean leak?
Security dude:  No.
Lanette: Oh.
Securtiy dude: Get this lady a baggie, it will protect the plane from going down, that thin layer of plastic....(then he looks at Lanette and says..) that's sarcasm.

So, Lanette is here right now to help me--we were all thinking that when the Doctors office gave a surgery date, they would stick with it--we were wrong!

We now have a surgical date of March 22nd.  Possibly.  Thank you Canadian Health Care System!

So, this week, we get to hang out and be sisters, have fun, drink tea.  I am so excited to have quality time with Lanette!

So, on our agenda for tomorrow, we are making some banana bread to take to Kent's office and then we are going to the surgeon's office to meet Dr. Allison Ross, who will be my surgeon this week, we are going to ask the tough questions, get some real answers.

I will keep you posted.

Robin and Sherry

Each time I come to New York I have had "that" moment that changes my life and I make at least one life-long friend.

I have now made at least 2 of those life-long friendships and had "that" moment.

Robin-Union Square

We were out at Union Square setting up a prayer station--I have to admit, I wasn't sure what the response would be, but I was willing to go with the flow.

At a point, Jamie and I headed to the bathroom where we met Robin.  Robin was tidying herself up -- in the reflection of the mirror I could see she was having a tough time stading up.  She was weaving left and right, and her knees kept buckling out from under her.

I saw she had left her glasses on the counter, so I said, "Dear, are these your glasses?" and handed them to her.  She said yes and accepted them from me.  We began a dialogue, that reduced me to tears.

Robin lives in a shelter with 250 other women.  I am not slagging women, but seriously?  I can't imagine the hell that must be.  I can't see 20 women living together in harmony!  She works a job early in the morning caring for a handicapped child, she then goes to Union Square to sleep.  Standing up in the corner.  Then she heads out to her second job where she does dishes in a diner until late at night.

She told me it had been 33 months since her last good nights sleep.

My heart broke for her.  She didn't have enough money to rent a place of her own--so she was stranded in a shelter.

Jamie and I prayed for her, and while we were praying she went back to bobbing and weaving.  I honestly thought she was going to fall asleep on me.  She then prayed.  She knew what she was talking about and who she was talking too.

It made me realize that no matter how "hard" my life gets, I will never have as hard a time as Robin.  Next time I complain about being tired, I will remember, I have nothing to complain about.

I took a picture of Robin and I told her that I would post it on my fridge and pray for her every day.

Sherry-Relief Bus

I have wondered if I should actually post this--I am not going to do this for my own glory--but rather for the Glory of God.

I was helping at the Relief bus serving soup, buns and apples, handing out clothes, but more importantly talking to the homeless we serve.

We have found over the years that the population of homeless people are actually craving conversation.  Someone to get down on their knees, look them in the eye and have a conversation.

I walked out of the bus and I saw Sherry standing against the fence.  The mom in me kicked in.  I asked her if she had eaten some soup, she had, and so started a conversation, that again, like Robin broke my heart.

She had told me how she moved to NYC for the sake of a man and he dumped her, she was moving out of an apartment when her stuff had been stolen, she lived in a shelter, her teeth were a mess, she was recently off crutches for a broken ankle.  She was being cared for--in care as soon as she was able to be "mobile" enough they asked her to leave.  With all her belongings in a bag too heavy to carry and use the crutches she was shown the door.  The "bed" was for someone worse off than her.

She ended up leaving her stuff at the shelter and took all she could manage to carry.  The bare essentials.  She asked me if I knew where someone could get shoes.

I didn't know.

She then showed me her feet, her present shoes 2 sizes too small, her feet were *covered* in blisters that I felt should've been cared for by a medical professional. 

She said socks were hard to come by and she was waiting her turn for the relief bus to call her name so she could see if she could get some new socks.  She only had 1 pair.

I asked her what size her shoes were, I felt that we were the same size.

She said, 8 sometimes 9.

I slipped off my shoes and socks and handed them to her.  She refused the help at first, but I insisted.  She put on my sock and my right shoe.  She had the look and the sound of a woman -- exhausted from her day, slipping in to her bath.  Ahhhhhh.

She put on my other sock and shoe.  She slipped them off again.  She looked at me and said, no one has been as kind in NYC as I have been to her, or has she felt as "mothered" by someone in years.  I gave her band-aids, she decided to go clean her feet and put on her new shoes.

I started up the street, suddenly aware that I was shoeless.  It seemed so appropriate at the time, but then I suddenly felt so naked...at least my feet did.

I went through the rest of the day -- barefoot in NYC -- aware that I needed to watch where I walked....and what I was walking on.  :)

We got back to NYSUM and I wrote the blog for our team--it felt like I was being stabbed in ankle.  I got up stairs and realized my leg was very swollen from the hip to my toe.  Fred was chaffed, red, raw, uncomfortable and swollen. 

I was scared.  This is a new "thing" in this whole Fred business and I can say, I don't like it one bit.

I realized rather quickly that this "thing" is just a "thing" meant to distract me, scare me, annoy me and make me less productive or encouraging to the girls I am here with.

I went to bed with my leg elevated, praying for release.

Today, for our day off I have walked all over the city, I have had no pain, no swelling and I am feeling really great.

The victory is mine.

New York City--March 9, 2012

I'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE!  Black Harlem

2002, Chris Tingstad gave his testimony, he was wearing a red baseball cap because he had early kitchen duty, his hair was going in every direction, so I told him to leave his hat on--standing in the back, Candy (another leader) was telling him to take it off, not realizing what his hair looked like!

2012, we prepared food, served the food, cleaned and did a service.  Songs, drama testimony.

THEN.

The black preacher took the podium.  And man, could that woman preach.  I took a look around the room, and some kids were wide-eyed-slack-jawed, others were totally into it.  I videotaped a portion of her sermon.

Here's my sermon notes: 

Matt 27:59-65, what stone is hindering you?

Tori hadn't been feeling well, so I took her to the van to lay down, I needed the rest too.  As the team and Marcella joined us, there was an adventure waiting for us.

Marcella is a native New Yorker, who has just been recently transplanted back to NY from Florida.  She had directions to this place on a piece of paper.  So I helped her find the place, but now, getting home, they said not to take Madison to 125th, but rather take the FDR back.  (East side of the Island).  As it was we found ourselves on the South Hudson Parkway, the most complete West side of the Island.

At one point Marcella said, let's turn left on 63rd, or maybe 61st, I said, that will mean we have to go around the park, we might as well aim for 59th or lower, then we skirt the park, back up to 2nd and boom, we will be on the Queensborough Bridge.  That's almost how it happened.

Up 54th, to 3rd, over onto 61, then right onto 2nd, then onto the bridge, whew.

This had the potential to be such a gong show.

We got back to NYSUM and napped.  I have never napped on a missions trip ever, (except when in conjunction with a migraine...)  I decided, I must be sick.

We went by van to the (Brooklyn Tabernacle sponsored youth event in Queens) AfterShock youth service, 800 teens in attendance.  They did youth really, really well, which got our own kids talking....how to improve what we do back home.  They actually had kids lining the block to get in.  Can you imagine this at your youth service?

The music was great, very polished, word was bang on, the people, were so, so, welcoming.

New York City, March 8, 2012

Home.  It feels just like home.  I love this place, I love this ministry.  I could hardly wait to show the teens the city.

We partnered with John, (who sounds like Sid the Sloth), who has been here for 10 years, he remembered the name of our group, although he couldn't remember me.

We went to a Spanish Men's Rehabiliation Centre called WAY OUT.  We did a service, drama, songs, then Avril stood up and told the teens his story.  It was amazing to hear how God had moved in his life to bring him here.

Then, a man named Alex stood up to give his testimony, he wanted to say it in Spanish and get it translated, but he kept flipping back into English--they were both great.

Then, the group sang us two songs.  Everyone had some kind of instrument.  It was upbeat, with Spanish feel/tempo and was beautiful to watch.

They fed us lunch, which was so humbling, then we went out into the back yard to hang out in the sun and play basketball and soccer.  John, our leader from NYSUM said it was time to go back, but the men didn't want us to leave, so I negotiated that I would get the teens back to NYSUM.  I have never done Bronx to Queens on my own, but -- seriously -- how hard could that be?

It wasn't.  We left at 1 pm--as we were walking up the street, as we'd pass, people would raise their hands, shout GLORY!  It was really amazing.  As we crossed one street, a man shouldered me.  You know that side tackle that leaves a girl breathless?

I immediately checked my bag, nothing was missing, but it took me time to gather myself.  As I look up a lady is arms raised, saying Glory, Glory, MMmmmHHHmmm!  Glory Sistah.

I took the teens to 5th and Lexington, purposefully came out the 7th Ave exit, so we could walk up to Madison and then to 5th street.

They all needed to tee-tee so we stopped at the first McDonalds we see, and they wanted food.  So after some time, I said, Up and At EM!  We didn't come to New York to see the McDonalds!

I walked them up 5th Avenue, past 30 Rock, St. Patrick's Cathedral (we went in for some time), FAO Schwartz and the Apple store.

By the time we'd done that it was time to go back to NYSUM for dinner--all were very happy to get off their feet!

Our evening ministry is and has always been a favourite of every team we have brought here.  We pack the van with food, toiletries, clothes and blankets and we hit the city.  We don't just throw the stuff at the homeless, but stay and talk.  More often than not, you hear them say, I haven't talked to anyone in a month.  No one will make eye contact with me.  We stay as long as they are wanting us, then we move on.

Our destination was Penn Station, which is under Madison Square Gardens.  I stayed at the van to make sure that we didn't get a ticket and if needed, I would circle the block until the teens, Ben and Daniel our leader came out.

Several people came to the van looking for help, I directed them into Penn Station.  Once again, the teens were not nervous, weren't shy, they just jumped right in and did what they needed to.  Again, it was a favoured night. 

New York City-- March 7, 2012

We arrived rather bumpily at JFK--we gathered our luggage and met Wendy at the NYSUM van (brand spanking new van!  Can't get hit by a garbage truck in this one!) to collect all our luggage.  We were told that Maria would come along shortly to pick us up.

Minutes later, Maria arrived and we headed out to NYSUM.  It was a beautiful clear day--couldn't see much in the way of smog at all!

We had our orientation, room assignments--we had missed NYSUM dinner.  I asked if we could unload the luggage after I had fed the kids, because Delta didn't feed us, and the last food we had was 6.30 am PST.  We decided to gather and go to Piazza Pizza.  We did a head count, twice, and headed out.

We lost Ben.

If we were going to lose anyone, that would be the one to lose.  Ben ended up walking to Gino's pizza and ordered a garlic chicken pizza, which arrived with Ceasar salad atop a pizza crust covered with tomato sauce.

Piazza was much better.  :)

We got back to the rooms, divided the girls up and went to bed....lying in bed I am thinking, how good it feels to be back here, it's just like home, how much I am missing Kent, Melissa and Max and how did I end up with all the noisy girls in MY ROOM?

Victoria-Seattle

It's been a while since I have seen or been able to use a computer.  It's been liberating and daunting at the same time.  All I can think is, how much blogging I have to catch up on.

March 6, 2012

Leaving for Seattle, my ticket in hand for the Clipper, I find out that the ferry is broken and that they Clipper is making alternate plans.

I find that I am due 2 hours early than planned downtown Victoria, to take the Coho Ferry to Port Angeles, (yes, I looked for Vampires and Wolves....) then we would be going by bus to Seattle.

Alls good right?

I pick up my suitcase with minutes to spare, it breaks.

I get to the ferry, forgot my migraine meds.  I quickly text Kent, he runs it back to me, one last kiss and I am off.

I hadn't gotten very far, when the tears came.  I missed my Kenty and decided that other than for work or family situations, this is the last time I will be leaving him for the sake of other peoples kids.  I love my kids, I love their parents, but its time for another woman to step up, take time off work, time away from seniority, time away from family, lose 2 weeks vacation time, and pay for the opportunity to go.

I know that I just made the missions trips sound terrible, they are amazing opportunities, but I am feeling my time in doing this WITHOUT Kent is done.

We arrived in Port Angeles, customs was a joke and then boarded the bus again for Seattle. 

The bus took the scenic windy route, along the coast, which left me a little queasy.  I thought it would be a great time, since the sun was going down to catch what little sleep I would be getting for the night.  I tried but two female Asian travellers were cackling like chickens, and man, were they loud!

We arrived at Pier 69, I hailed a taxi, all the ladies were standing on the sidewalk, I walked out, adopting my other culture (NYC culture) and hailed a cab.  A lady behind me said, hey, we were waiting here longer than you!  I said, we were on the same bus, and if you want a cab, leave the sidewalk.  I was loading my bags surrounded by women flailing their arms.

I negotiated a price with the driver, a flat rate to $32. 

THEN.

He took off doing 60-70 MPH through the downtown streets of Seattle.  At the point we hit the I5 I couldn't see the speedometer, but the cab was shaking and I was getting air in the back seat.  I looked and at one point, I thought I saw 100 MPH.

And he missed the exit going southbound.  He turned on his GPS to naviagate us back to the airport, which lead us down some very dark secluded streets.  I wrote down the number to the taxi complaint line.  We then were headed North on I5 when, he missed the turn off again.

I told him, that I was scared and angry.  Get me to the airport now.

He did a turn around on an overpass, we got to the airport and he said, that will be $72.80.

I said, it will be $32.00, a complaint to the taxi line.  I don't pay you to get me lost.

Oh, yes, he says, $32.00.

I went into the airport, Delta told me I could check in upon arrival, check my bags and hang out in the Sky Miles Lounge for preferred travellers until the teens and Ben arrive.

So, I go to the desk, the attendants states, not until after midnight. 

Ok, I think, I will hang out here for 2 hours and check in.

At midnight, I walk up to the counter, state that I am here to check in for the flight to NYC today--she stared at me.  Blink.  Blink.  Huh?  So I said it again, told her what the lady on the Delta Airlines phone said, what the attendant said at 9.50 when I got here, she said, No Ma'am.  You must check in at 3.30 am.

So, I argued my point, she refused and I went and found a seat, in a corner, behind a bank of phones....for the rest of the night.

I listened to music, read, tried to sleep, but the announcements kept startling me.

At 3.30 I went to check in and they gladly would accept it--along with $25.00.  I said, what?  I waited to talk to Ben about it all.

At 4.30, the team arrived, it was a great reunion, Jordan S's birthday, we paid the extra $400.00 for the priveledge of flying Delta. (I swear, never again).

We made it through security, no problem, even with Sebastian's metal bar in his chest. 

I had a wonderful breakfast catch up with Jamie and Jordan, something we had planned a month ago.

Right on time, we left Seattle for New York City.

Seriously?

Those of you who know me well, know that I love Facebook.  It keeps me connected in so many amazing ways to people that more than likely, because of distance and time, I'd probably not have a relationship with now.


Case in point:  The connection I have to some of my friends from my school years.  I have an amazing and wonderfully encouraging friendship with a beauty in the states named Cindy.  We were friends in Grade 4, by Grade 8, we had lost contact, and through an amazing encounter, we found each other at a Starbucks in West Kelowna. 


Another Case in point:  Bear.  Bear and I were friends in Middle and High School.  We had a mutual friend named Gordie, that for the first time publically I will say, I had a huge crush on in Grade 11 and 12.  :|


Bear, sent me this message on FB yesterday:


"I have honestly had a lot of things "Test" my faith lately, and had a lot of private soul searching, but want it or not (I WANT it) the path always leads back to Jesus......undeniable."


Exactly how I feel.  


I have in the past been criticized for being "hyper-spiritual" -- that I blame everything on Satan and give God the honour....but like Bears comment, I believe that no matter what is facing us in life, it is there to point us back to Jesus.  Everytime. Completely.  Totally.

Through this journey I realized that this is the biggest spiritual battle that I have ever been in.


On the way home from getting the MRI, I heard, "Namewitheld, is going to be so disappointed in you."


I was reduced to tears.  Sobbing in my car on the way home, I was stuck at a stupidly long light, thankfully, because I had to figure out how to see clearly enough to drive.  There was absolutely nowhere to pull over.


Then, like a bolt of lightning I realized.  (here it comes....the blame thing....), I said out loud, Satan, you will no longer have dominion in my mind.  There is nothing I could do that would make "namewitheld" be disappointed in me.  He is always proud of me, encouraged by me......"


This fight is bigger than just a health scare.  It is a battle on so many grounds, for my heart, for my head, for my body.  I know that I will never walk away from the faith I have in God, that stands and will not be shaken, no matter what trial I face.


Since that day, I have remained focused on the positive, bouying myself with scripture, song and encouragement from others, but  more than that prayer.  


Jeremy Camp once said that when he needed it God was his crutch, but he was also his stretcher.  While in this process when I need it, He will be my stretcher.


Today, I am in the last moments before leaving for Seattle.  I am packed, ready to go--then I get this email, my ferry is broken. 


It made me laugh out loud in the kitchen.  Of course it is.  Satan, doesn't want me to go to Seattle, to be met my my kids and Pastor Ben, to get myself to New York, he's dead set against it!


So, I called the ferry, they said they would have more news at noon, but not to worry, we'll put you on the ferry to Port Angeles and then bus to you Seattle.


See people that's how this is going to work.  Satan blocks me, I have no worry or fear, God WILL ALWAYS make a way for me.

Mamma said there'd be days like these....

She did, I am sure of it.  She also said, "just because they make it in your size doesn't mean you should wear it."

She is brilliant really.

The day hasn't been the problem, but rather the night last night.  For some reason Fred decides that he is going to act like a terrible two, but only at night.

As dawn was approaching, my eyes WIDE open....frustration building, I realized something of very grand proportions.

Two weeks ago, I went forward for prayer, for Fred to leave, (I know, what a rude host I am...) and that the pain he was causing would cease.  And cease now.  I had been about 2 weeks in a drug induced fog and the pain was not being controlled.  I had had enough.

I was lovingly prayed over my by hubby, my kids, my community group and pastors.  As the day progressed I realized I still fogged out had forgotten to take my pain medications.

It was the last time I took pain meds for Fred.

I believe and I stand on the promise that God healed me--the pain was hard to describe, the over-riding sensation was burning, nerve pain with pulsing, twitching pain that would double me over.

Last night, I refused to take pain medication.  I know, that I know, I was healed and that the pain is gone and I am clinging to that.

Then all of a sudden, I had streaming in my head, "Then He said to them all, " If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross DAILY, and follow me."


Daily.


Since the Sunday I was healed if I felt a twinge, a burn, an ache, I literally rebuked it--Kim style.  You've GOT to be kidding me, I'd say, I am not taking this back!  Screw you Satan.  It's not mine any longer, it's under the blood where it belongs.


Pain would be gone.


So this morning in the very small hours of a Sunday morning, I crept out of bed, took an ice pack back to bed with me, Fred likes a good ice pack, and began to pray.  When the verse Luke 9: 23 rambled through my head When about 10 minutes had passed the pain instantly vanished.


Lesson learned.  It is mine.  Daily I will pick up my cross, the one You have chosen for me to bear up--and follow after You.  I will not deny my faith in this time, I will not turn my back on what I know is right.  You, O Lord, have allowed this to happen to me--I refuse to ask why me, but rather why not me?

Pajama Day with Fred

Every about 10 years--I grant myself a pajama day.  I mean--other than when I am sicker than a dog, puking...

Today was pajama day for this decade--Fred (the lump) and I just took a day off.

After yesterdays emotional upheaval I needed today--yesterday was very demotivational.

Today, I had to get some serious stuff done, but for some reason or most excellent excuse, the most I got ready for today was my teeth.  My hair remained in a ponytail, my pajamas, stayed in place.

The most serious of my tasks was to get myself packed for a trip I am taking.  I am sure this is going to be a shock to most people, but it makes perfect sense to me.

I am headed back to New York....I am so excited to go, so disappointed to leave Kent.

The Emmanuel Church Next Gen Ministries Elevate group, along with leaders Dan Massey, Pastor Ben McGilvray and I are headed to New York, Wednesday morning.

The Dr. Biberdorf gave me the go ahead (and yes, I checked his first name is Darren, not Justin...)  He said, avoid large crowds, get rest, protect your immune system, it's compromised.

I asked him if he's been to New York.  Sometimes, you run into a crowd.

I will do my level best to protect myself, I have a great excuse for getting out of work, its been working like a charm here at home:

• While trying to back up the car yesterday, Max was mocking my ability, I answered: Hey, it's because of the cancer.
• After dinner last night, I said, I can't do dishes, I have cancer.

I can't wait to use this on my team!

So I am taking stuff from the health food store to bolster my immune system, I am in good spirits, despite the hair and pajamas, and I am getting plenty of rest for these last couple of days before we head off to New York.

I arrive home from New York on the 17th and then I am slated for surgery on the 18th.  I know the health care system well enough to know that I may be bumped from that schedule--but I can't help but think that this is all so providential.  I think this is just such amazing timing.  What a great distraction this trip will be!

I won't be sad to see Fred go, but he is a part of me.....not a welcomed part of me but attached to me he is!

While in New York, I am not sure if I can post everyday or even every other day.  When at the New York School of Urban Ministry (NYSUM) in 2008 they had dial up.  :(

So, prepping for New York it is, I can't wait to see my kids, it's been a terribly long 7 months without them!

http://nysum.org/

http://www.emmanuelnet.ca/next-gen/

And. So It Begins.

A number of months ago, I thought I should be blogging about our very recent move to Victoria, BC, the capital of British Columbia.

It was a super eventful process, full of stubbling, bumbling, near law suits, crazy situations.  Finally when the truck pulled in front of our new home, it honestly felt like the family heaved a collective sigh.  The stress was over.

As "Mister" established himself at work and M2 into high school, I found that the busyness of our former life was seriously missing from my new Capital Life.

I found that the most demanding thing to do with my day was plan dinner and I didn't need 10 hours to do that!

I decided to start walking Pippin everyday.  Some days, he had a 2+ hour walk, depending on where we went.  Our favourite is still near Fonyo Beach to Clover Point.  Pippin can walk the dog walk -- leash free -- he thinks it's his park.

I started work, and my walking became a little more sporadic, but I stuck to the schedule of 3-4 times a week.  In January, Pippin began begrudingly walking, so he got to stay home, while I laced up my runners and began running most of the walk, and took to running along the Gorge Waterway Park.

The second week of January began I had felt like I had sprained or strained a muscle in my leg.  The third week of January it was bruised.  I decided to quit running for a time.  Only I could prove that running was dangerous to my health.

The fourth week of January started and my leg was burning.  I pushed through that final week of January and on the 29th decided that I would go to the Doctor's office the following week.

Getting into bed that night at about 10:30--I realized my leg was swollen, it hadn't been in the morning, I felt it--it was hot AND there was a lump.

I thought I had a DVT (blood clot) and Kent and I got dressed and went to the ER.  In a city our size, we had 2 to choose from, so we went to Victoria General Hospital.  Miracle Number One: We were the only patients in the emergency room.

The ER Doctor, Carly Cooper ruled out a DVT and lymphoma based on labs, and sent me home with pain meds and  a sleeping pill.  I slept soundly.  12 hours after meeting Carly Cooper, I was getting a new ultrasound.  Miracle Number Two.

The Tech was looking at the picture and I said, it looks like it has it's own blood source.  I read a little too much while working with Dr. Lewke.

They couldn't pinpoint the problem, so an MRI was ordered.  Miracle Number Three: I had an MRI in 9 days.

The Radiologist said and I quote,"Kim has a funny lump in her leg."

Miracle Number Five:  I was in a specialists office 20 days after finding the lump and he performed an aspiration biopsy.  The lab work came in two days ago.

Lymphoma.  Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.

I called Mister and he met me for dinner, we were stunned, shocked, but not alarmed.

We told our kids, we told our friends.

I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of support from my friends and family.  So, on a friends recommendation, the blog has been resurrected!

I will write the progress, set backs, all with honesty--there could be days that are great, followed by days of despair, but I know that all along, I have friends, family and God to lean on.