The dumbest thing to do at 2 am.

What's the dumbest thing to do at 2 am?  Watch a bone marrow biopsy clip on youtube.com.  I have decided youtube is not my friend.

For that matter, anyone who has to do that procedure on me is not my friend.

The BC Cancer Agency called to book my initial consultation with my new medical oncologist.  I see Dr. Fitzgerald on April 5 for an hour and then I am off to the lab for more blood work, a work up for a bone marrow biopsy.

That statement stopped me in my tracks today--I was making dinner.  All I could think is from what I know it's a stupidly painful and a somewhat barbaric procedure all while the patient is awake.

I was swimming with this idea in my head when the receptionist said, I just want to confirm information.  I know this is all part of protocol, but I am a little tired of repeating the same information over and over again, and now, with the knowledge of a bone marrow biopsy (BMB), I had not a shred of patience left.

For me, that's pretty amazing.  I am a very patient person.

Then, when giving my birthdate, address, and spouses name for the umpteenth time, I hear, "I know you."

My first reaction was how the %^&*()_(*&^ do you think you know me?  I am new in town, I don't know many people....

She then said, "Do you know who this is??"

Ya, I am in the mood for playing games.  That's all I could think, thank you Jesus for a 43 year-old filter on my mouth--what was swimming in my head would've made a sailor blush.

I said, "I have *no* idea who you would be."

She then says very happy and friendly-like, "I am ***** from Kelowna!"

Really?  Seriously?  Really?

I was stunned and shocked.  She *never* wanted to be my friend, in fact reminded me on several occasions that I lived in "Old Shannon Lake" and she never really wanted our kids to be together--after years I realized she had a daughter the same age, who eventually became friends with my daughter in High School.

In fact, I left a small group from Emmanuel Church because I just couldn't fit in.  Even the dude with fetal alcohol syndrome and milk farts fit in better than I did--you might think I am exaggerating, but I am not, everyone in the group talked to him....it wasn't long before they moved out of Shannon Lake and moved to a different church and then a different city

Stunned.  She's being *really* friendly.  And all I could think is I am being nasty--I justified it because I was so suddenly scared.

That's it, I said it.  Scared. Fear-filled, frightened, terrified--and having to be pleasant was just beyond what I thought I could contend with.  The beast raged inside of me and I couldn't say a word.

Reality kicked in as she started asking all kinds of questions about my life, both here and in Kelowna.  My mouth wouldn't obey my head, I heard myself saying, uh, uh, then I said rather stupidly, "Do you have any more information for me?"

And then I heard the familiar condescending voice of a former neighbour, "Well, I am still waiting for you to get a pen and take down the information."

Right.  In an instant, I had my head on straight-mouth co-operating with my brain.

I told her I had it all down, repeated it back to her, then said, "If that's all the information I need than thank you for your call, I will be there on April 5."

I don't remember saying good bye.  I don't remember her saying good bye.  I generally wait until the other party has hung up the phone, it's something my Mom taught me about phone etiquette.  That I should be the one to hear the disconnect, or clunk as the phone is hung up--never the person I am speaking too.

It's interesting to me how fear works.  I am terrified of pain.  Although I cracked jokes in labour with both my kids, and so far with every medical person I have met along the way of my journey, it seems that the BMB set me over the edge.

I didn't get emotional until I got to the CT Scan, and that was just a flipping scan--but now it's almost 3 am and I can't get the idea of what's ahead of me out of my head.

I am wavering between, I am not strong enough to do this and I've got this.  No worries, I have this one in the bag.

I think I just need to stay off youtube.