My very present help in time of need.

Yesterday was a tough day.  I think some of the weight of this all came down on me at once, well, more than once.

I had gotten a call to confirm diagnosis and that CT booking would be calling, they did and in a matter of an hour I had a CT booked for yesterday.

I am not good at "new things".  I am not good a meeting new people, new experiences, even new food....although, I had a attitude earlier that I should try everything once, that wore off very quickly in my late 20s/early 30s.

Kent took the afternoon off to take me to the CT.  He has been exceptional through all this and I know this has been incredibly difficult for him, his Father passed away from Lymphoma.

Waiting for the CT a nurse brought out 2 glasses of water.  She said drink this in the next 15 minutes, I will come get you in 40 minutes.

15 minutes, to drink 2 glasses of water?  I looked at Kent, he lovingly looked back at me, with this little grin.  I CAN'T drink THAT much of ANYTHING in 15 minutes.

I picked up the cups, played with the lid, the straw, looked at Kent.....he smiled sweetly.

I looked at the glasses and excused myself from Kent, went to the bathroom and started to cry.  I am not sure why THIS was so overwhelming.  I pulled myself together and went out to see Kent.

He said, "I am going to go to the bathroom...."

So, while Kent was gone, I decided I can do this, I chugged both cups before he got back--there was a colossal GAG! but other than that, I made it relatively unscathed.  Although, I cleared my part of the waiting room.  There was a poor woman across from me--waiting for what I assume is the same procedure.....she was slack-jawed and wide eyed when I gagged, asked me if I needed help, I said no.  Then a nurse came out and brought her 2 cups and gave the same instructions.  I said, have fun--it's yummy, I swear, smiled at her, she didn't know what to do.

So, Kent came back and I asked him to ask if I could have some tea.  I know Kent and he knows me well, so he looked at me, picked up the glasses one at a time.  I know what he was thinking.  I am not getting you tea until you finish this.  He smiled and went and got me tea.

I win.

So they took me back for the CT and and again a meltdown hit.  I changed out of my clothes, was given an IV for more contrast, and that's when I lost it.  The nurse asked if she hurt me, I said no, that I was just overwhelmed.

As I went into the CT, now, having experienced it, easy peasy.  The only annoying part is having the contrast makes a person feel like they are wetting the bed.  I am over 40, I have had kids, this could be a reality!  (I don't pee the bed...), but the Tech said, it would feel like it.  So when the contrast hit my arm, it warmed me up -- I felt like I was on a beach, it spread over to my chest and instantly I was warm from head to toe!  They could sell this to people in the winter to keep people warm!

While I was waiting for the CT to come, I was on the stretcher and I had a moment of why.  Why do I have to go through this?  I have been faithful, I have honored God, I have worked diligently for Him.  I just started to heave at one point.  I don't want to walk through this, I don't!  And as it escalated into a nearly full blown temper tantrum, I had this suddenly appear in my head: You are my Rock.  My Fortress.  My Deliverer.  My very present help in time of need.  My Portion, My Rock, You are my Shield.  You are my Shield, My Rock.....over and over again.  As I recited a portion of the Hillsong United Song, that comes directly from Scripture, I found myself gaining strength that I thought I had all but left in the car on the way to the hospital.  As the CT wound around me, I basked in my head, the words of my Lord, sung to me by my loving Husband--I was calmed, I was fortified, I was suddenly placed on the Rock with a Shield about me.

Lesson learned.  I am allowed moments of frustration, fear, disillusionment--but I know who is holding me up in this.  He is my very present help in time of need.

Hillsong-He has made me glad

I will bless the Lord forever
I will trust Him at all times
He has delivered me from all fear
He has set my feet upon a rock.

I will not be moved
And I will say of the Lord
You are my Shield,  My Strength, My Portion
Deliverer, My Shelter, Strong Tower
My very present help in time of need.

Whom have I in heaven but You
There is none I desire beside You
You have made me glad
and  I will say of the Lord

I will not be moved!
And I will say of the Lord
You are my Shield,  My Strength, My Portion!
Deliverer, My Shelter, Strong Tower
My very present help in time of need.