Melissa

Radiation therapy starts on Wednesday.  Horray.  At least I can see an end in sight.  20 treatments to go--hopefully this works and wipes out this cancer...I'd like to be Cancer free by my birthday--September 9th.  I'm giving it another month, then, that's it--I am kicking it out of my body.

Today marks the big countdown to Melissa's wedding.  4 more sleeps with my daughter under my roof before she heads out on Friday night with her bridesmaids, maid of honor and other great girlfriends for her bachelorette party and sleep over at the hotel.  I will join them early Saturday morning for the push to get ready for the wedding.

Then, that's it.  She will be married and off on her honeymoon with Jonathan -- to Amsterdam and France.

How did this go by so fast?  I have always said that I wished that she took 2 years to turn a year older.  I have cherished all my time with her and this week I feel like I am desperate to hang onto the moments I have left with her.

A little upset with Jonathan for taking her from me--but I can also completely understand.  She is an amazing woman and I can see why he loves her so much.

It's just so flippin easy.

One of my fondest memories of Melissa was going through a Starbucks Drive Through.  We ordered our drinks, headed somewhere important I am sure.  The Barista handed us our drinks and she leaned out the window--recognizing us she said how much she loved watching our relationship--how amazingly close we are and how much fun it was to watch us.

My daughter--she wasn't something at 23 I was sure I wanted, I actually was sure I didn't want children but Kent changed my mind.

When I got pregnant with her I immediately started praying.  I was amazed how God had changed my hard heart and warmed me to the idea of my baby girl and being a Mom.  By the time the nurse laid Melissa in my arms no Mother could love her daughter more.

Really Melissa redemeemed my prejudice of a Mother-Daughter relationship.  My own mother and I didn't have a relationship--in fact as a small child I remember doing things JUST to irritate her.  I really did hate my mother.  When I was adopted at 13, my new Mother started the redeeming process.  I just new that I couldn't ever be a mother like her--she loved EVERYBODY.  No one was on the outside of the love my Mom had.  She is full of grace and just so noble and honourable.  I wanted to be just like her.  I had a really hard couple years when I first got to their house, I just couldn't imagine why she would love me....I was pretty much unloveable.

Back to Melissa, I appreciate having her in my life so much.  She has brought into my life not just Jonathan, but I have had the opportunity to be Mamma Kim or Jim to so many other kids because of her-- my heart is full of love and the older I get the more I am realizing that I am so grateful and thankful for my daughter.  She continues to teach me so much, stretch me and challenge me.

Doing Wife Things

I laced up my runners yesterday, got my iPod and went for a walk, about 4.5kms.

It felt really good to be doing something so normal.  I didn't have a ton of energy, but I was thinking about how something at rest stays at rest, something in motion stays in motion...I decided to get moving.

I walked Pippin through the dog park, but he was behaving so badly I didn't take him off the leash.  When I do--I have to walk Pippin speed--which is really slow.  So, I decided first day back, he'd have to re-learn how to walk my speed.

Getting into the car we were both so thirsty, so I got out our water bottles as I closed the door of the car....on my phone.

I knew what I had done immediately.  I pulled my phone out of my pocket and sure enough all the screen but a little corner is black.  Sigh.  Life isn't life without spending money....more money.

So, then the debate, iPhone or Samsung?  I already have an iPod, I don't necessarily need and iPhone for music, I just need a phone that will phone and text....oh ya, and the 300 contacts I have....

I was so tired by 9pm, I also slept solidly until 5am--my normal pre-cancer routine.

Melissa's last day of work was yesterday.  She came in the door last night and felt really good not to have to be working at Murchie's her boss was really tough this summer--she also felt bad that she isn't going to be working for weeks and weeks!

I told her that I need her this week, next week she is getting married, then on her honeymoon, then setting up her house, doing wife things....(not what you are thinking....), then before she knows it she will be back to school!

I have been having lots of talks with her this summer about marriage, relationships and doing wife things.

I have always considered wife things, the things that feed my husbands soul.  Not just his tummy.  Not just his physical needs.  I remember the day I discovered this--I made him an apple pie.  He came in the house after work and said it smells like oatmeal!  He came around the corner and was absolutely amazed that I had made him a pie.  He loved it!


I try to do things like that for Kent every once-in-a-while.  A while ago, after Kent had a long week, I was sick, he was stressed.  I got up on a Saturday morning made him breaky in bed and turned on some Soccer for him to watch.  You could see him starting to relax.  Then I said I have a job for you to do today and I could see the weight re-establishing itself on his shoulders.  I then said, there is a lunch on the counter, take the kayak and don't come home until 4.  He had a great day on the water and returned at 3.  


That's doing wife things.


When he got home the laundry was done the house cleaned and *if* he wanted to do chores he could but it was not expected of him.


The weight for a day was gone.

The idea of doing wife things has been something I have always had in my mind.  It wasn't until I moved to Victoria when I brought baking into work when a co-worker said to me, I'd still be married if my wife did wife things like that.

Such and easy thing, making cookies, sending Kent out to kayak, joining him in the backyard with lemonade for him while he is working, what do you do that would be considered a "wife thing?"

Sears the new Shaw.

Sears was coming today to look at my 3 month old dishwasher.  The dishwasher was clanking, not stopping when I opened the door and it would beep endlessly but not start the load--until it was unplugged and plugged in.

Sears told me they would be here on the 24th between 8-4.  Seriously?  Are they now taking cues from Shaw?  They eventually made it at 10.30 and left at 11.00.

They repaired the dishwasher door and fixed the beeping and said that was on warranty.  Then they said the pump had a piece of plastic in it---possibly a bread bag tie.  That wasn't covered under warranty and it would cost $90.50.  I told him I would trade him the chocolate chip cookies I had just made.

And that's how a deal is made!

I didn't pay for the pump repair, he walked out with cookies in his hand, one in his mouth.  He was pleased.  He said he'd like to get paid in food more often.

Excellent news to me.

I was most distraught about being stuck at home because I have 4 coupons to use today.  Must be used on July 24th and I get all 4 items for free!  I am far too cheap to let the coupons go unused.

I am now off to Safeway to get my extra Air Miles and use my super coupons!

Boobstraps, Tattoos, it's been a busy day.

Ok, it's sad, I don't even know how to spell Tattoo'd, Tattooed?  I am so not the biker broad, cool chick I think I am.

Today was an incredibly girly day.  Melissa and I spent the day together and although we are not girly-girls, we had a fabulous day.  Does that sound girly?

After I had my CT and Tattoos done Kent and I went and had coffee this morning.  I guess that's our Wednesday morning coffee date, 2 days early!

When I got home I picked up Melissa, we went and got make up for her--it's hard to believe that MY daughter was lacking make-up.  It's a sad reality that now has been remedied.

I then convinced her to go visit Lyndsey (pronounced with an I not a Y) to get her eyebrows done.  We giggled most of the way through it..if you are in Victoria and you need to see someone, go see Lyndsey at Chatters in Tillicum Mall.  She was....wait for it....fabulous.  :)

We then got groceries.  (Fun day continues!)

We ate lunch together and chilled for a bit then decided, we needed to go out for more.

So we went to Canadian Tire and bought new cushions for the table outside, we were thinking of recovering them with material...I couldn't be bothered.

We went to Decade downtown Victoria--got Melissa outfitted for the honeymoon, and a ... fabulous dress for the wedding rehearsal!

Ok that's enough fabulous for one day.

We then went to Mayfair Mall.  You'd think for girls like us this would not be enticing or a trap but it was.  I bought Kent some clothes, Melissa bought some for Jonathan, then I found a sun dress.  Shannon G you will be happy to know--it will be amazing with my blue hat!

So, while we were in the Gap buying the clothes for Jonathan I was completely faklempt.  The girl behind the counter was wearing a dark bra under a light and see through shirt.  I know that's the "style" right now, but that's not what was so disconcerning.

It's that the bra simply. did. not. fit.  The girls were HANGING OUT.  And not in a good way....if there is one.

So the MOM in me kicks in.  Someone, (pointing at myself) should tell her.  She probably has no idea how bad the girls actually look.  Then it hits me.  I am Jean Fricker.  She would *SO* do this.

Then it also hit me that hearing this from a girlfriend would be so much better than a total complete stranger.

So I found her co-worker; who agreed with me.  She is a friend and was thinking she should talk to her friend...She also said she would take her out for drinks and let her know that she needs to "hoist those mother's up."

So as we left I told Melissa that on a number of occasions, after being married a while, after having kids, sometimes women need to be reminded to put themselves first.  So I said, sometimes you need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and put yourself first....Melissa says, Boobstraps?

As a fit of laughter consumes us....we fall into the car..where this quote is concieved, "Sometimes you have to pull yourself up by your boob-straps and hoist those mother's up."  A mixture of Melissa's quote and the co-workers.

Tonight we ended our evening with Danny and Shalia Bakker and little itty bitty Liam.  So thankful when my kids come home.  I don't think they know how much it means to me.

So, back to the tattoo.  I was tattoo'd today to mark where the radiation will be concentrated.  Two small dots on my right leg, one on the left.  Sorry it's not more exciting, but I have decided when this is over I will complete my life long ambition of tattooing myself.  Kent and I tried to take a photo of at least one of these tattoos, but it just didn't work.  Sorry.

I have always wanted a tattoo but I have never done it because I just can't decide what to do.  For a girl who is usually so decisive--I have not been able to settle on a design.

When I was in my 20s and 30s, I wanted a Tasmanian devil tattoo'd to my butt.  So, when I was in the nursing homes and needing my diaper changed--it would be a little surprise for the nursing staff.  Always thinking of how to give back...that's me.

In my 30s and 40s it has been more about a life statement.  I have sort of settled on "One Way, One Truth, One Life."  What the design would look like I have no idea.  Where the design would be has been declared today by the BC Cancer Agency.  Thanks guys.  Who knew that they would actually tattoo me?  I sure wasn't ready for this little surprise today.

My Squishy.

Last night, my scalp was hurtin.  Seriously hurting.  And I couldn't stop rubbing it.  Today the pain in my scalp has subsided and I am about done with these weird days of pain, headaches, nausea--done!

But it got me to thinking....could my hair be coming back?

So I went to the bathroom and looked, my scalp was just red.  Nothing of consequence--just red.  I looked again this morning....nothing.

July 17th my eyebrows departed.  I still have some eyebrows and eyelashes left--mostly because I have been doing my UTMOST to keep them.

One day, my friend Shannon was over and she was looking at my wig and I had told her that I don't touch my eyelashes and eyebrows because when you touch hair--it falls out!  Shannon helped me get my  hat back on and it grazed my eyebrows, we both yelled OH NO THE EYEBROWS!

Fortunately, my eyebrows were pretty secure that day...they didn't fall out.

Today, I was drawing in my eyebrows when I saw it.  My squishy.  I have the CUTEST little eyebrow just poking through my skin.  I have an eyebrow growing back!!

It's tiny and little, but it's mine and it could mean that my hair is on it's way back!

To come full circle. Almost.

It's a beautiful sunny day in Victoria, my deck out back is hot!hot!hot! And I am freezing.  Seriously, cold.

The wonderful part of being me is I can't be in the sun for too long before I start to go pink.  This is a new thing for me....I can't stay in the sun long enough to warm up and if I move to the shade it is too cold.

Grrrr.

It took me a couple days to process my moment with God on the kitchen floor.  You see, I feel like I have come a little bit of a full circle in my process.

January 26th, I had a very similar God moment on my kitchen floor.  I had just dropped Max off at the Ferry to go to Kelowna for the weekend...I had gotten home and was praying for my son.  I told God in my brokenness and my desperation for my son that I would do whatever it took for God's glory and REALITY to be revealed to Max.  I would walk through any trial, I would submit myself to whatever God decided was needed to get Max's attention.  I was on the kitchen floor, worship music in the background and I wept before the Lord and laid my life down, all of it, for God's use.

It was 3 days later that I was in the Emergency Department at Victoria General Hospital checking out this little lump in my leg--which was named Fred, the lymphoma.

As the process has gone forward I have used humour (What do you call a person who compulsively gets lymphoma over and over again?  A Lymphomaniac...), I have leaned hard on the Lord, His word, (coffee and the word.....), His provision of encouragement from friends through music and scripture and prayer.  I have leaned hard on Kent, Max, Melissa and Jonathan.

I have only had a few low days.  When I think that the miracles that I have had in my life since January 26th -- it is mind boggling.

I have had moments where I think I can control this, organize this and then I slowly realize that I am at the mercy of the Drs and God's good sense of humour.

So, my moment with God on the kitchen floor--it feels like it has come full circle from Janauary 26th to July 17th.  I went from I will do whatever it takes Lord    to    Do whatever it takes Lord.


My surrender Tuesday was sweet, it felt like it was all falling into place.  Finally letting go of it all my stuffs, my health, my fears, my concern for Kent who is doing so much, Max, Melissa and Jonathan's wedding, all of it so that God can take it ALL and use it for his Glory.


I have experienced overwhelming peace in the last couple of days.  It's my life but there is this feeling of freedom and release that I just can't process into words.

God is great, He is so much more than awesome.  And all he requires of me is to act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with my God.

I wish I had gotten this lesson so much faster--but I wouldn't give up the process to be here today for anything.

I'll go with it....

I <3 Jamie Nearing.  I do, it's very true.

For those of you who are wondering Jamie is an 18 year old beauty that I had the best fortune of meeting and being a part of her formative years in Kelowna.  We've been on missions trips together, I was her small group leader, Sunday school teacher, mentor and friend.

She is mostly and best-ly my friend.

And I just spent 2 hours on the phone with her.

I love her to pieces--and I have tried several times to convince her to move in with us, but alas, she will more than likely be staying in Kelowna.  Victoria's loss for sure.

We reminisced about our last trip to New York, Phoenix...(not the city).....sigh, how amazing our team was, how easy the trip was....we both decided we would do the trip over again in a heart beat.

We talked serious stuff too.

I miss her tons and I wish that I could be her Mom, but I can't.  I can only be her Kimmy.  (And she is the ONLY teen that has EVER gotten away with calling me that.....)

I loved our call -- it brought to the forefront of my mind how much I miss my kids.

I am hoping that the radiation oncologist gives me my schedule for my next part of treatment shortly, I want to plan a August trip to Kelowna.  We want to deliver Melissa and Jonathan's stuffs.

Then I could see some of my kids.  Like Lexi and Ashley, we have a date to do the canal this summer....and bald or not, I want to float with my girls.

On a completely unrelated note I got a text from Kent today.  I know you'll all agree with me, he is the most amazing husband ever.  He has been under a great deal of stress and feeling pretty worn out--but he still found time to send me this text today:

Today is our  25 1/4 anniversary of when I asked you out.  Enjoyed our coffee date.  :)

How can you not love that?

Kent had to let me down easy this morning that we had missed 2 Wednesday morning dates the last 2 weeks.  I had honestly, no idea it had been that long.  Thank you Chemo brain....at least I can announce with assurance, Chemo is over.  

Yeah!

On a serious note, my eyebrows decided that yesterday was the day to depart en masse.  I have not wanted to be that girl that has to draw in her eyebrows, you know that look unless done really well, can look really bad!  I have friend, (nameless) who draws in the best eyebrows ever and seriously, I had no idea until she told me.

So, the eyebrows.  How thick, how long, how bushy, how arched?!  Agh!  So I've decided to go with this:

Except I don't have blonde hair....

:)

A God Moment

This morning I woke -- I'd had a nightmare of sorts.

I dreamed last night of a medical emergency that lead to a death and I actually had a little bit of an out of body experience.  I went along with the person to Hell.

I didn't see much--I was just very aware of where I was and how incredibly sorry I was for the person.

I woke with this "mantra" of sorts running through my head today.  Lord, do whatever it takes.  Today, I am completely surrendered to this all--all of it, my life, my health, my family, my marriage, my dog.  :)  All of it is yours to do with it what you will.

I am your pencil.  Write.  Draw.  Compose music.

As I have gone through my day so far, I had a beautiful breakfast on the back deck with Melissa, Jonathan and Max.  Chilled, relaxed.

I then went to Safeway, to put together a picnic for Melissa and Jonathan to have tonight.

All morning I have been repeating, do whatever it takes, Lord, do whatever it takes.

As I went to the basement to get a cooler for M and Js dinner, I wobbled on the stairs....my feet are incredibly numb, but it wasn't that kind of feeling of wobble.

I walked into the kitchen, Jesus  Culture was singing in the background.....and I wobbled again and realized what was happening.

I feel fine.  I am not ill.

Tears came to my eyes and I felt a compulsion to be on my knees before God.....Now.  There was such an urgency and before I could really think it through I was staring at my floor.  With lots of tears and my heart leaping inside of my chest.

Do whatever it takes.  Please Lord, whatever it takes.

I was on the floor for over 20 minutes when I looked up and realized my foot was cramping me back to reality.  Thanks Chemo--you had to show up didn't you....

The Holy Spirit has hit me like that a couple times in my life, I don't know if someone else was praying for me or if it was just between God and I, but I was rocked by his presence this morning.  My God is a great God.  He knew exactly what I needed this morning.

Isaiah 57:15
For this is what the High and Exalted One says— He who lives forever, whose name is Holy: “I live in a high and holy place, but also with the one who is contrite and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite."

Only in my life.

I feel at times that I should have been blogging my whole life.  I honestly don't think people would really believe me when I tell them some of the things that happen to me....or that I allow to happen to me.

Today was one of those days.

I was feeling well enough to meet Kent for lunch.  We missed our Wednesday morning date and man are we spoiled.  It was apparent by Wednesday night that we had missed out on our one-on-one time.  Basically what I am telling you is I was grumpy.

So I met Kent for lunch and I can honestly tell you he is looking weary.  Today watching him I was longing for the times when he'd get up at the crack of dawn, steal away to the Okanagan Shoreline with his buddies, do a little skiing and prayer.  Those times of prayer and connection did so much for Kent.  His job has never been easy, his burdens never simple or uncomplicated.  Today as I stared into his face I realized the amazing burden he has been under.

He needs his friends.

I asked him about it and he simply stated, "too many problems, not enough life or time." (I think that was the quote).

I told him he could easily bump me off, then he'd been one more problem down....I smiled up at him--I know money would not cure what is ailing him.

I told him in 23 days he will be down 2 children, Melissa and Jonathan will be gone....He said he would miss them, which is true.

Nothing really lightened his load.

I kissed him and sent him back to work.  Really at a loss as to how to help him be unbridled from the burden he is tethered to.

I went to Safeway, I needed to grocery shop back on Monday--I haven't been keeping up my end of the house at all--part of he problem for Kent--I am just not sharing my part of the load.

I wander into Safeway and walk almost into a little old lady.  She is adorable, little, spirited and new to Victoria.  We immediately begin to talk.  She had just moved to Victoria, she's lived in Vancouver since 1948, near Point Grey, where Kent's family is from.  It was a beautiful conversation....and as she starts to walk away......

I hear the Titanic Movie Theme music.  Ahhhha ahhhha ahhhha!

I am not kidding and I am not making this up.

I literally grab my grocery cart for support as I am not sure if this is medication related, the lunch hitting my system and about to be rejected, sensory overload, or a co-incidence.  It could have been all of the above too..

My mouth hanging open I look at the lady at the floral department as Rose Dewitt-Bukater is 3 steps from me and I am panicked as I say, do you hear that music?

The Floral Designer looks up and is LAUGHING OUT LOUD AT ME.  Replete with tears and knee slapping.  

She had watched our whole exchange--when the music changed she didn't even think about it--I sure did!

So I start to gather the fruit and veggies I need--thankfully I didn't need a lot--because the next situation was hot on my heels.  Literally.

I seem to always find the one person who is in a hurry, frustrated, irritated and me and my cancer, we could shop all afternoon and we do!

Ok, so most days it's the same lady at Safeway.  (With about a 4 year old in tow....) I am starting to think I need to change the time I shop at....At least today, she only ran over the back of my feet once.  I asked her to go around me--if I am too slow, I am really sorry.  She bangs her cart back and forth around me until she makes it and she is off, like stink she is in a BIG hurry!

I head to the check out unload my cart, I chose a little line at the end, there's maybe 50 people in the whole store.

aaaaaaaaand who gets in line behind me?  Really???

I had all my stuff out, so I said, "Do you want to go ahead of me?"

She snaps, "NO, I can't find my ^&*() card."

I said, "You could give the cashier your phone number?"

"Not that ^&*()(*& card!  Why are there no express line ups?"

I said, "I don't know I don't work here.  :)   But you could use the self check out."  :)

She said, "Maybe you didn't hear me...I don't have my CARD!"

And just because it's me......I said, "you can punch in the number?"  I was just trying to be helpful and get her away from me--she was seriously angry.

She glared at me.  My bravery was momentarily impeded -- momentarily.

By that time, I am at the front of the line....and I am humming in my head...."have patience....have patience..."

The cashier and I slowed a little, she asked if I needed help out--I should say yes more often, but I don't, I can walk.  As I am waiting for my receipt....the woman behind me starts pushing her cart toward me.  I got out of the way of her cart and I turn and put my finger up and I calmly say, "Do not hit me with your cart.  If you break my skin, I could get a nasty infection."

She said, "Move!"

I said, "I am waiting for my groceries and my receipt."

She said, "You're useless."

There was a collective gasp in my area of the store.  I couldn't believe it if I had not experienced it myself.  I was completely at a loss as to what to say.

I stood there for a moment with tears in my eyes.  I looked up at her and said, "I may be completely useless to you, but I am never useless to those who know and love me best.  (Big Tears) I will get through this but unless you learn some big lessons you will always be rude.  (Big tears and sob...) I hope I was one of those lessons for you today."

I turned and walked right into Rose Dewitt-Bukater and her little friend.  They had finished having tea at the front of the store.

She waved at me and saw my face and said, "Are you ok?"

I said, "Yes, I just ran into a bully."

Rose said, with a big smile, "Let me at her!"

I love new friends. Rose and I will always be tight.

Beauty And The Broken

And no, I don't mean the Starfield Song.

I am having more and more difficulty typing, my forearms and hands are very numb...it was supposed to get better not worse.

I woke today, about 11 am, I have lost 2 days.  It has been a long, long 2 days.

The last REAL thing I remember is sitting in a BC Cancer Agency class learning how to apply eyebrows...and wham.  A migraine hit slightly after that.  I was learning new beauty techniques.....then brokenness.

Chemo effects with a migraine, I don't recommend.

In fact, actually it started the night before that.

We were headed out to celebrate Grad with Max, take him for dinner, shower him with gifts...when I tried to tell the family something in the car.  Sometimes, the effects of the drugs are that I JUST can't form a coherent sentence.  It's irritating, it's frustrating and I was called a pharisee a couple months ago because I couldn't form my thoughts.

So, in the car there is laughter and mocking.

I retry to form my sentence in a different way,

More. Mocking. More Laughter.

And I was reduced to tears.

I should've known to stay home, I had pushed hard all day to get wedding stuff done.

The next morning I had all the symptoms for a migraine, but I have also had them since March...so now biggie I just headed out in my day like normal.

Now, I have lost days.

One of the big events of the past couple days that I literally think I slept through was my appointment with the Radiation Oncologist and Kent.

We arrived at the BC Cancer Agency for our appointment and I was stupidly disappointed to be back there.

The Rad Onc stated that the lump has been reduced by chemo, but it hasn't completely gone away.  So, they are now counting on getting rid of the cancer with Radiation.  So, I will have 20 treatments of radiation,, 5 days a week for 4 weeks or so.

Joy.

They are not sure of the date and time it will start, they will start with a non-contrast CT and then go with treatment.  She said, "You will be tired."

Really, don't know what that is like.

Oh to hit a wall, part two

So, part of my wall hitting yesterday, I realized I didn't even vocalize.

After seeing Max in the basement, I went to the bathroom to finish getting ready for church.  I have not worn make-up much at all.  Looking in the mirror I have very few eyebrows left and about 6 eyelashes.  So I tried and failed to get any make up on my face, it's hard to know where to put eye liner when there are no eye lashes....

It was hard to face.

There is a beauty class that I can take at the BC Cancer Agency--and I called several times to get an appointment and this week it seemed more pressing to get through to them.  I have a wedding in 3 weeks to get myself together looking presentable for pictures that will stand for eternity.  Sigh.

So, I called today.  Several, several times today.  I called originally and was told I had to call the Canadian wide number to book an appointment.  I told the woman that seemed really unlikely--was she sure??  She said yes, so I called.  No luck.  Call the original number back to book an appointment.  I was near tears.

So, I called again starting at 3pm, and still no luck, although I was told there was an appointment time at 10 am tomorrow--by the Canadian wide agent.

So, to go or not.  Do I just show up?  Hi, I tried to call yesterday to book this time, but you guys couldn't answer me and/or didn't answer your phone?

The other thing, I have an appointment at the same place at 2.30 with the radiation oncologist.  I am wavering between hearing her say 2 things.  The Pet Scan showed positive uptake but the person reading the exam couldn't say whether it was "inflammation" or "cancer".  So, I think you know where I am leaning towards.  I really don't want to do more treatment.  I am *really* feeling done.  I am hoping that she states that it's nothing, it won't take much to get rid of, maybe it doesn't even have to be treated.

I know I am dreaming.

Today as well we are celebrating Max's grad.  I know it happened a long time ago, but it has taken us this long to get his grad gift together.  So, we are now waiting for Kent to get home so he can get his gifts, which after what we have had to go through to pull together, I hope Max is super excited for....

And for Kent.  He is a hero at work but this week is really taking it's toll on him.  Today, I bought him some of his favourite licorices and then picked him up with Melissa this afternoon and took him for an iced coffee to give him a bit of a break from the office.  He seemed to be quite relieved with the break.

On the wedding front, Melissa and I made a list of what we needed to do today, it took us most of the day, from about 10-4.  We have been knocking things off the list gradually....very gradually.  It takes me days to recuperate from Melissa's days off--they are all worth it!

We went to the reception site -- looked at where we'd be placing some decorations, looking at how much flipping space we have (bonus!) and checked out the private bathrooms--where I left my keys.

When we went to leave, I couldn't find my keys and my lack of brain is seriously getting me frustrated.  I have NEVER been this bad, yes, I forget things, when I am not busy I seem to be worse, but I couldn't even remember having my keys.

Melissa found them and we continued onto our day--slowly embracing my new life....my new brain....my new body.

Oh to hit a wall.

The best place to hit a wall, emotionally or otherwise, seems to be in church.  I didn't want to go this morning, I knew I was overtired and yet, it seemed that I was really needing to be there.

One of the things in my life I have kept quiet on here is the fact that Max a number of month's ago stated that he no longer cares to shares our faith and in fact he was now an atheist.  I have not advertised this, I am hoping he is just searching.

As per the original discussion I had with Max, as long as he lives with us he was go to go church with us and he agreed with it.

So, today going down to make sure he was up and ready to go...I found him playing his guitar in his pjs, either unwilling or unready to go. I told him that he'd have to mow the lawn and he was up for dinner, it needed to be ready for 6.

We got to church and it was just overwhelming.  All of it...the disappointing news this week, wedding plans, Max's decisions, the tough road he has ahead...ugh.

We had a great morning in church, we left feeling really rejuvenated.  I wept through worship.  We had friends pray with us, Pastors pray with us, the sermon was for me...it was all good.

We had picked up a neighbour on our way to the church--we were asked a number of weeks ago to do it, it's really not out of our way at all.  When we left the church she seemed very upset.  Angry even.  We weren't even 10 minutes from the church when she was calling us out.  Kent for not being vocal enough and she had let us into her life, (boundries...she said she had crossed them) and we hadn't let her into ours.

At almost 2 pm, we had her dropped off, relaxed and I was now OVERDONE.  I was needing to pee and eat like crazy.

We went home and relaxed.  It is the Sabbath after all, and we needed some rest....and rest is what we are getting!

Chemotherapy Diploma

I have my chemotherapy diploma.  Weeeee.  I graduated.  I am done chemo hopefully for the rest of my life.

Through the process I had decided to put my name forward as a volunteer for the BC Cancer Agency.  There are a number of jobs that volunteers do there that I am sure I can do.  In fact, one is to bring your dog to the Cancer agency.  Pippin and I COULD work together.

When I went through last month I asked for my file to state that I would not accept care from a perceptorship or student.  I have had 2 student/perceptorships in my chemo treatment and I have to say that neither were ok.

A comment was said to me by my nurse and it was also said to me by my Medical Oncologist, Dr. Fitzgerald.  When Senz my nurse said it yesterday--I thought I should share.

After my disappointing news about my Pet Scan, a scripture came to mind that I hadn't thought of in years.

Isaiah 55:12 -- You shall go out with joy and be lead forth with peace.  The mountains and the hills will break forth before you and the trees with clap their hands.

So, as I left the house yesterday and I opened the door and I thought, I will go out with joy.  I am sure I didn't look like it, but I was joyful, I knew this was the last days of chemotherapy.

When I got to the hospital and Senz introduced her self--she said, "We tell Dr. Fitzgerald that we like when her little lady comes in, you are always a joy to work with."

Sigh.  Dr. Fitzgerald told me that a couple months ago.

I walked into this thinking that I was sure these nurses have people they work on that are cranky, unwell, frustrated....I mean you name it you can feel that way.

I decided that I would walk in there without putting on any "airs" but be myself.  Crack the occasional joke, I put up with the pain, (they really don't have an easy job with IVs....I have the track marks to prove it....)

So, I will never (I pray) have to go back there.  Although I want to bring them some yummy cupcakes....but I hope that my presence is felt long after I leave.

Disappointment.

I had an appointment today with the Medical Oncologist to go over my last round of chemo and to set up for tomorrow.  I asked if the Pet Scan results were back and they are.

So, the Pet Scan is positive.  I was incredibly disappointed.  That means more treatment.  I was really hoping that this would be the end of it all.

I will do my next round of chemo starting tomorrow, then I meet with the Radiation Oncologist July10th and at some time in the next 5 weeks they will start with a 5 day/week radiation schedule.  I am not sure for how long this schedule will be for--that is to be determined by the Radiation Oncologist.

My heart is hurting.  My chest is hurting.

I can see that this schedule is amazing--the radiation will start AFTER Melissa's wedding--according to the Medical Oncologist.

There is always a silver lining -- sometimes it's harder to see than other times, but I have to say I am so incredibly disappointed.

I am thrilled that they are working toward a cure.  Not just to prolong my life.  I am submitting to their knowledge that there is some more things to learn, more dependence to gain.  Yes, I said dependence.  I have spent a lifetime trying to be independent.  To be a strong, courageous woman of faith.  This whole sickness has taught me that it's ok to lean on my family for support, to be weak and to be cared for by them.

It really has been a significant time of growth for me.  I am thankful for that, but I am so, so ready for this to be over.

Happy Birthday to Kent

Yesterday was Kent's 47th birthday and in an attempt to have some "normal" in our lives we decided over a month ago that we should have some people over for a BBQ.

I put out the message to a handful of people, including some of Kent's co-workers from Vivitro Labs and we set to making the plan.

I cooked  and baked for days and at 4 pm, I was *SO* ready for people to arrive I sat down for the first time all day.

At 4:30 I got up to get the corn on the cob started and put out the salads and get the last minute things done.

At 4.45 Kent comes in and says, I broke the BBQ.  I need to get to Canadian Tire to get a part.

Stress causes me to have chest pain and I shake.  It's a new thing since the chemo started.  So, honestly for the first time since we started prepping -- I got chest pain.

One of the best parts of being in Victoria, people don't arrive RIGHT on time.  They mingle in, which is a blessing when the BBQ is torn apart across the deck.

Sigh.

Kent got it back together and it worked beautifully for the rest of the night.

I had a number of people comment that they would have thought I would've had his party catered. I could never do that...

It was a good night, full of a lot of laughter, we have really been included in some really great people's lives.

The past couple of days I have been feeling pretty melancholy about July 4th, its the start of my next round of chemotherapy.  I have a pretty bad attitude about it.  I just don't want to do this again.  I am done with this, tired of this.  I really want my life back.

Last night I dreamed that I was on some sort of youth outing, there were buses all over the place and I got a chance to wave at the EC bus -- I saw Shelby, Kirsten, Lexi and Ashley and we were making faces at each other and laughing.

Then our bus decided to stop somewhere for dinner and I went to find some coffee with a dark-haired youth leader that I was attending the event with.  I was finding that the lot of the youth leaders were being cliquey and not hanging out with the teens, I was feeling very frustrated.  I walked out from the coffee shop, around a bunch of buses, feeling sorry for myself, tearful when all of a sudden someone runs up and wraps her arm around me.

Pammie.  It was Pam Hanson.  I was so overcome with happiness and relief I burst into tears.

I woke immediately -- sure that I was just anxious about tomorrow and possibly today.

I need to leave in a few minutes to go to a Drs appointment at the BC Cancer Agency and do lab work to set up for tomorrow.  The Drs appointment is to go over how the last round went.  I can't wait to talk to them about it all.  It was not a fun month.